you were able to put up with hell

10:58 AM 12/29/10

This was a bad morning, but I won't have much time to write about it because I'm going to work in about half an hour. Some of it may have been triggered by a drug residue reaction, but for whatever reason, I was in a crying mood.

I want to convey the feeling of something, but it's hard to convey. I want to put it into the story, in order, like 'first this happened, then this happened,' but instead of doing that, I'll write the main idea first, before telling the story. The main idea is 'you can put up with hell because of this person.'

All my life, I've had crushes on somebody, at all times. When I was in elementary school, I always had a crush on *somebody*. I could look forward to going to school, because of that crush.

When I was working with Curtis, there was a time period when he and I had a lot of time alone together. That was when he worked in the evenings and so did I. We were both unsupervised. If we had a spare minute now and then, we could take a little break and go talk to each other. Or he would sometimes come over and ask for help if there was a problem, like the drain in the back room getting clogged up and there was water all over the floor, that kind of thing.

I don't like hourly wages, because of this. You can't take a five-minute break to go hang out and chat with someone, because you're worried that you'll get in trouble. They don't want you getting paid to talk. So I was only able to have these moments with him when there were no managers around. If nobody could see us standing around and talking, it was okay.

But then a few things changed. He moved to the morning shift. I hate the morning shift - I used to work morning jobs sometimes, during all my years of having various jobs, and I always found that it was hard for me to wake up that early. I could get up for the afternoon shift, but not the morning.

Because of my two-job schedule, I couldn't work the same shift he was working anymore. So I might see him briefly for an hour, and we'd never be alone. If other people were there, I couldn't go talk to him much anymore.

So that time we had together was all the time we ever had. It ended, and it was over. It ended when he went to the morning shift. It ended when he started working a shift where there were always people around.

I'm glad that he is working a shift where he has people to keep him company. I don't like working totally alone for long hours either. It's much easier to work if other people are there. So it was a good thing for him. But it meant that I couldn't have any of his time anymore.

I did something really hard to do. Well, but first, let me explain what else happened. I tried text messaging him, and later, emailing him, and calling him. But there were problems with that. Sometimes he would answer a text, but he never knew who I was, even though I had texted him before. And I was being forced by 'them' to try to send him these stupid, annoying messages worrying about this or that, messages that there just wasn't an answer to. I don't like talking on the phone, myself. I don't like to do it unless you have something specific that requires a specific answer, like 'Do you want to come over and play?' and yes, I know that sounds sexual in this context, but I'm remembering back when I used to call my next-door neighbor Jeremy on the phone, and it was a very brief, purposeful phone call, and that was all I would ask. Do you want to come over, or, can I come over there. Then we would hang up. I didn't do these long, chatty, worry-about-this-and-that type of messages or phone calls. I was being forced to write a bunch of garbage in my text messages and emails to him, without a specific purpose.

But then, even if I tried to ask specific things, I still couldn't get an answer. I was fighting, being controlled and forced to do something that I knew wasn't working and would never work, and I was struggling to protect myself and stay out of jail and out of the mental hospital, because I knew that I might freak him out with all my letters and he might call the police on me. So I would sometimes beg him to discuss this problem with me and I would beg him to tell me a certain time and date when we would be able to have a conversation and get everything settled, but even then, even if I were asking for something specific, I still couldn't get an answer at all. Only random, occasional answers to my text messages, and when he did answer, he never knew who I was, and I would have to explain that it was me, and then, I was being forced to text him at the worst possible moments anyway, so I never expected a real conversation.

I don't have enough time to write all this.

What I did was, I changed my schedule. I stopped working night shift at McDonald's - I had wanted to do that anyway. I hated the night shift. So I went to evenings at McD, and mornings at Weis. I hated mornings at Weis, too. There are a lot of reasons why I hated my job.

I was driving my car this morning, and I tried to go visit Curtis. I was going to give him a note. I walked in, and I saw a group of five or six people standing around, kind of in the general area where I have often found him. It was some kind of meeting or something. I waited a couple minutes, far away, wandering the aisles, and looked again. They were still there. It was the worst possible moment to go looking for him. So I left.

I drove my car around, in a crying mood, and I remembered him. I remembered working in the mornings at Weis. I changed my schedule, and finally, I was able to see him all day long, for more than just a minute or two when he was leaving. When I worked evenings at Weis, he went to the mornings, so I would occasionally see him just as he was leaving... or not at all, for many days.

But when I went to the mornings, suddenly I could see him again, all day long. I couldn't go over and talk to him. I was surrounded by managers and other people who required me to stay in my place. And he was surrounded by people too, and I didn't belong over there.

Things got worse at Weis. We lost a couple employees, and so somebody had to go take over the work in a different department, the hot foods bar, where the Chinese food was. For a lot of reasons, we all hated working over there. So I would sometimes have to go over there. And I hated my regular job at the other food service section, too, and I hated working up at the front of the deli slicing meat. I just hated the entire job, and I was having to do more and more of the worst parts of it.

Then some crazy new managers came in and everything went completely to hell.

And still, I was able to put up with it, and go to work every day. How on earth was I able to do it? I would look across the room, and see that he was over there. I might not even be able to make eye contact. I might just see his back turned to me while he was stocking the shelves. But I would look over there and get a glimpse of him for a few seconds while I was working. And those brief little glimpses were enough that I could put up with going to hell every day, doing a job that I hated, during the worst possible shift for me, the morning shift, with crazy managers making it impossible to work.

Then he lost his job. He didn't show up for work a few times. I don't know why. He was sick, or drunk, or depressed, or something. I don't know why. And he didn't have his own car anymore - he had lost his license. For whatever reason, he lost his job.

I only lasted a couple weeks after he left.

I went through a crying phase, which actually began BEFORE he left. I was crying partly because a few things had happened to destroy the trust in my relationship with him. I was crying for a lot of reasons, and it was the season of the year when I start to get depressed, and I was having other health problems too, and working too many hours. Everything at once. I would go into work and then walk around in tears, for hours, just crying while I worked. This began just before he left. And I felt like I knew he was leaving, too.

I was crying every day at work and then I started not showing up. I would call off, of course, but I couldn't explain why I was sick. And yes, I was actually sick. I was sort of having a breakdown from working too many hours, while also having a reaction to pesticides or something. Everything at once. But I stopped showing up, and then I told them they should probably not try to schedule me for work. Then I just didn't do anything for a while, but I kept working at McD.

As I drove my car around this morning, I was crying because I felt like I needed to cry. I wasn't able to go see him. I couldn't walk into a place where I don't belong, even though he invited me and said he would like to see me more often. I don't belong at his workplace. I'm an unwelcome intruder, an outsider. I have no claim on him. I'm barely even a 'friend.' I'm just some lady who used to work with him. That's all that I am.

I never managed to get him to say 'yes' to meeting with him away from work. It would be something where I would know what time to go see him, what day, how long I might stay, what we might do together. I never got him to agree to doing anything like that. I've always had to see him at work, and nowhere else. He just didn't answer letters or emails or text messages, and he would give a sort of negative answer when I asked him things directly. I could go into detail but I don't have any time left.

So today I drove my car crying, remembering what it felt like to look across the room, to just know that he was nearby, in the same building, and I could get a glimpse of him. We lost the time we had together, when we could spend several minutes talking or doing something together alone, when he worked in the evenings. Then he got a new girlfriend, his fiancee, his future wife, and there was even less chance of meeting him outside of work.

That was the theme of 'you can put up with hell, just because this person is there with you.'

I have to go to work now......