how st. john's wort affects my social behavior

2:03 PM 12/13/10

I'm using SJW this morning and feeling somewhat better. I haven't done anything yet today but read a book. I'm off work, so I don't have to worry about how the drug will affect my social behavior and my friendliness.

I don't like being inconsistent, friendly some days, cold and aloof other days. I also don't like being 'not myself.' I feel like the drug makes me into something different from myself, and also, it makes me a puppet, too, so that I say whatever words 'they' put into my mouth, and that's DEFINITELY fake.

It's inconsistent, unsustainable, and unreliable, because someone else is making you say it, and it doesn't represent your real thoughts and feelings and goals, and they could stop forcing you to say it at any moment, and it isn't based on any overall goal or plan known to you. If they force me to say something, that means that I never made a conscious choice to 'express my opinions about every little thing at least twenty times a day,' or something like that. It's like having a goal to express twenty opinions about whatever random event happens to be going on, or whatever random conversations people are having nearby, even if those people aren't your friends and you have no intention of having any kind of relationship with them.

If I were required to tell the truth about every conversation that I hear people having near me, then I would have to express disapproval about almost everything that they do and say, and about the assumptions and beliefs and values behind it, and then, I'd have to have a goal for doing that, as in, why am I bothering to tell these people about every little thing that I disagree with or disapprove of - am I trying to CHANGE them, and if so, isn't there a better way to change people's ideas than just complaining and disagreeing about everything they say? And a lot of times, the things that I'm disagreeing with are things that are just 'not really me,' but they're not actually 'bad' either. They're just things that I don't like, or things I don't do. It's just the way people talk to each other and things like that. I don't even bother trying to verbalize it anymore, to verbalize the reasons why I don't like any of their conversations. And I'm usually not interested in whatever they're saying, either. But when I'm a drugged puppet, 'they' make me try to put something into other people's conversations if I am standing nearby, to make me more sociable. It is pointless and misleading and unsustainable.

I don't want to do this but I should change the thing on the side of this blog to say that I'm a Three instead of a Four. I don't like changing it over and over again because it makes the enneagram personality type system look like it's no good, like there are no real types, like you can interpret anybody based on a random guess.

I will probably have to change it again in the future, too. Also, they've been trying to convince me that I'm a So/Sp instead of a Sp/So. But I think I already wrote on that page that I'm not sure what my instinctual type is.

I'm going through another phase of wanting to hire an assistant, or a secretary, or a servant, or whatever the word would be. I'm only half joking when I call it a servant. 'Servants' lived in the house with you, and I need someone who will be here frequently or live in the house, but I have to make the house livable first, and I'm not in the mood to write all about the drug residues and why it's not livable right now.

I'll go back to reading my book for a while. Tomorrow I'm taking the car to the mechanic. I hope that the muffler isn't having a bad enough problem to cost a lot of money. I'll have enough to fix the crushed bumper though.