trying to quit caffeine, again

12:32 PM 12/10/10

I'm having a bad day. First, I've been trying to quit caffeine the last two days. I didn't completely quit, but I drank less coffee than usual (only two small cups yesterday while at work), and didn't take any Vivarin pills. Usually, I take at least one whole pill, sometimes one and a half, and then, I'll get a large cup of coffee at Burger King or someplace (I don't have my own coffeemaker right now, long story), and then I'll have several more large or small cups during the day at work. If I'm at home I'll have an unknown number of cups, usually several large ones, along with at least one whole Vivarin pill. I've gone through phases with no caffeine at all, but I became exhausted when the pesticide spraying began this fall, so I've been using caffeine heavily. I want to stop again.

I have an unknown substance on some of my clothing and it makes me very exhausted and it makes my heart pound. I've also been gaining weight again, and I have a ravenous appetite, and I'm eating more than I usually do. Some of it, I think, is an antidepressant. Some of it came from washing the laundry when I went to West Virginia. It either spread around residues that were already there, or added something in the laundry. Mom uses Paxil (the Columbine High School massacre drug), so it's likely I've got Paxil on me, along with Dad's high blood pressure medication.

I guess I could go online and look around for fellow sufferers on chemical sensitivity forums. I sort of did that before, several years ago when the drug residue problem began, when I was handling the herbs and the seeds indoors and got it all over my stuff. But I don't just want to go to forums and read people writing about how miserable they are. That's not what I want. I want someone to have a hopeful attitude about it, a perfectionistic contamination prevention protocol, someone who says that this can be done, it should be done, and it must be done a certain way. And their rules must match with my experience and observations.

I have been fighting with the voices because I am trying to find a new way to handle the laundry, and they don't seem to believe me when I insist that washing the laundry just spreads it all around and makes everything much, much worse than it was. They're still insisting that I should just try to wash everything, and not worry about separating things into groups based on which kind of residue they have, and all that. It's really important to know what's going to be all over your clothes - is it something tolerable, or intolerable? Which symptoms are tolerable and which ones are not? Anything that causes severe fatigue, or insomnia, or pounding heart, or fast heart rate, is intolerable. Some of the other drug residues aren't that bad, but I still don't want to tolerate them for a long time.

It sometimes seems as though I get 'new people' who are spying on me, and everything that the previous person learned is gone. If I got one person to believe me, eventually that person will leave, a new person will take over, and they have to be shown the hard way, all over again, from scratch. I don't know if I REALLY am getting new people controlling me, but they act like they're new. Sometimes I go through periods where the voices say new and unusual things that they've never said before.

Anyway, my fatigue is terrible today, and I don't have any clean new clothes to put on. And I would like to also clean out the car some more too, but I can't do anything. And I'm trying to quit caffeine at the same time, so I can't just take a couple of pills to force myself to get up. I am very frustrated about not being able to get anything done.

It wouldn't be so bad, except I want to have children before it's too late. That means I have to have some kind of compromise about marriage and family. I have been thinking about why I don't want to get married. But everything that I value, and the things that I'm trying to avoid, get into conflict over and over.

For instance, it would be nice to just keep working, if I became a mother. I would provide the money for the family and not have to depend on the husband.

However, I believe in breastfeeding, and this is something that I won't compromise on. I believe that it is life-or-death important to do that, and so, I am going to have to stay home, because our STUPID CULTURE won't let you bring a baby to work with you and carry it around on your back while you're working, and take a break every once in a while to go feed it.

So I will have to stay at home, and either 1. not earn any money except what my husband gives me, 2. earn money from a home business, although I don't have any well-developed skills and I can't make any arts and crafts or do any kind of useful services, so I don't know what I could do that would make money, and I'm disgusted at the thought of being a prostitute, which is what the voices have tried to force me to do over and over again, or 3. learn how to hunt and forage, and get the food for 'free', quote unquote, in other words through directly working for it instead of paying money for it.

But I would still need to pay the rent, unless I want to take the risks of squatting on vacant land without paying for it, and then getting arrested, in order to avoid paying rent for a little while. Or I could make some other arrangement, and I'm sure there are lots of options, but the murderers won't let me think very deeply about all the options that I have, because they want to control every little detail of the actions that I take, and they want to make sure that I die without ever having any children.

That's only the beginning of the conflicts between the things that I believe I must do, and the ways that I can do them.

And I don't want to take money from my husband, because then, he will have a say in how I spend the money. The money he gives me will have strings attached. I won't be allowed to spend 'his' money on my own projects. There are lots of things that he would never approve of, for instance, having to buy new clothes every time my clothes get contaminated, because nobody in the world, except me, believes that drug residues really exist and that they cannot be washed out of the laundry and that the symptoms that they cause are intolerable (such as, neverending insomnia) and that the drugs never biodegrade, so they will still be here ten, twenty, and thirty years from now, and that only a few molecules are needed to cause a severe reaction. Nobody believes any of that except me, and other fellow sufferers of chemical sensitivity. I could demonstrate it, but nobody cares enough to walk up to me and say, 'Hey, would you give me a demonstration of what drug residues can do?' And I wouldn't want to give a life-ruining demonstration by using their own belongings; it would have to be done in a separate house with separate clothes and they would have to stay there and not go touch any of their own belongings until the demonstration was over.

(Ravenous hunger. I've already eaten several things this morning, yet I still feel an intense desire to eat again, and there's no real food in the house, just a couple of small things that I don't want, so I would have to go out someplace to get food. I am probably going to have coffee when I get to work, even though I don't want to, merely because it acts as a hunger suppressant. I am having a reaction to this antidepressant or whatever it is.)

Meanwhile, it's getting to be winter, and I don't have anything prepared for an emergency, and 'they' won't allow me to prioritize a shopping trip. I need chains to try to put on the wheels of my car - I've never done that myself before, but if it's like last winter, I will need something to get in and out of here. I need a sleeping bag and other warm things in case we lose the electricity. I have NOTHING. If we lose the electricity, if it snows, if the roads are too snowy to drive on, I won't even have any food in the house to eat, because 1. I can't go shopping, and 2. I can't use the big fridge (long story), and other problems. Mostly because I can't go shopping.

Yeah, I can already tell, I'm going to have coffee right away as soon as I get on my way to work.

I did at least one small thing. I made an appointment to get my car's bumper fixed. I hope the insurance check gave me enough money, because the inspector guy didn't know that I was hearing some louder noise than usual, because I think my exhaust pipe might have gotten hit a little bit, and if I have to fix the exhaust, that could be a lot more expensive. And I don't like to call 'making an appointment to fix the car' 'progress.' It's recovery from a disaster, not progress. It's not really doing something. It's not making my life better.

I should get ready for work now. I am not in a good mood at all today. It literally HURTS to move. (That's probably because they made me sweep the floor yesterday at McDonald's, which I don't usually do.) And I still haven't gotten to see Curtis yet either.