he's not done shopping yet. I know how that is.

11:08 AM 12/20/10

I saw Curtis today, but only for a very quick talk. It was one of the times when I almost started crying, so I guess that's not completely stopped happening yet. I looked for him yesterday too, but didn't find him, but I think he was waiting in the break room to be picked up to go home, because just as I was leaving yesterday, I saw someone who looked like Carrie driving into the parking lot. I am learning that I have to go pretty early, because he doesn't usually work a full shift, he often leaves early. I feel like he's not getting a lot of hours. I know how that is, it's happened to me at many jobs.

But today when I went in, I went in early enough. I walked in on the 'hidden' side of the store, instead of going in the door that opens directly into the produce department. I picked up a couple of small things to buy. Then I got over there and I saw that he wasn't in the salad bar, he was out working with the asparagus, and someone was talking to him while holding a clipboard. People holding clipboards are usually a manager, so I didn't want to interrupt him.

But even so, I walked right up to him, and didn't interrupt, I just stood somewhere nearby so he could see me. I picked at the little perforated holes punched in the bags of apples, while he continued talking to the clipboard guy. That's when I was about to cry, while I waited for him. Then we talked for a few minutes, and I told him I was just there to check on him and see if everything was okay, if nothing new (and bad) had happened recently. He said no, nothing new. I mentioned his driver's license, and he said it would be about a year and a half till he could get it back.

I asked him if he had finished his Christmas shopping - no, he hasn't. I used to hate feeling like I had to buy presents for people. It seemed pointless, especially if I was giving something to my parents, who had a lot more money than I did, and they could buy whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. I didn't buy gifts when I was living with Eric, and we fought about it, and I told him not to buy anything for me, but he always bought me a bunch of stuff anyway, and then got mad at me when I didn't buy anything for him. Anyway I said I was glad I didn't do gift-buying anymore.

I don't like buying gifts for people at all. It doesn't have the meaning to me that it has to other people. It's complicated. I won't go into the whole thing now, but I have a big belief system of how gifts should be, and it's almost impossible to achieve these rules of gift-buying for me.

It has to be something unique that I never thought of before. It has to show that you know me better than I know myself. I didn't know that I would like this thing, until you bought it for me, and then I discovered it for the first time, and liked it. You know me so well that you can anticipate what I WOULD like if only I knew it existed. I could have bought it myself, but I didn't think of it. And I must not have any reason why I DON'T want to buy this thing. For instance, there are a lot of things I don't buy for myself, but I have a reason why I don't want them, even though I do want them. I'm not buying another bed, because of the drug residue contamination that ruins everything I buy, but I would like to have a better bed. I don't want to have to throw away nice things. That's just one example.

This is an example of a gift. I'm thinking of Curtis because I just saw him. He used to call me a special nickname that I had never heard before. I don't know if he made it up himself, or if it's something he heard from other people, but it was new to me. I was always flattered and embarrassed when he called me the name, and it was very special to me. He called me another nickname a couple times and they were too flattering, too extreme, too good to be true, so I often laughed out loud when he said them. Those names and the way he made me feel, that's a kind of gift.

Anyway that's all that we talked about. I didn't want to keep him long when he was in the middle of working and there were other people around and some clipboard guy who might be a manager. I didn't really look at his face, but I think he was the guy who I talked to when I finally broke down and asked someone if Curtis was there, when I was originally trying to find him. I told that guy that I knew Curtis from Weis.

So I said I would let him get back to work, and he told me to keep in touch, and I left. I will keep in touch. He's on my to-do list. I am actually planning deliberately to go visit him as a routine activity, something I do regularly.

When I was walking away, I started to cry harder, but I swallowed the sobs, I wouldn't let myself start crying. Sometimes I have just started crying openly in the middle of the store, a couple of times, because I couldn't control it. This time I was able to suppress it as I walked out the door. I cried a little bit in the car on the way home. I'm going to see him again. I need to go more often.

I was complaining about bad music, but I heard a good song today that I never heard before. Katy Perry, 'Firework.' I don't know how I never heard it before, because this web page says it's at number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100.