treasure hunting

2:49 PM 12/22/10

Well, it looks like I will probably be taking another dose of sjw soon, but not today or tomorrow, since I don't want it to affect me at work.

I haven't completely stopped coffee and caffeine, but I have drastically cut back. I am going a few days without anything, and then maybe one cup, and then sometimes a couple of cups in a day, then back off again. I haven't taken the vivarin pills in a while. I tried decaffeinated coffee a few times, and it seems to trigger an intense craving for more coffee. Other times, it satisfies the craving and doesn't cause any problems, and the withdrawal from it is mild. It contains a little bit of caffeine, along with the other unknown active drugs in coffee.

Today they woke me up with intense anxiety. They've been giving me some anxiety that seemed fake, but it can also be triggered by the drug residues and withdrawal, so I'm not sure what was going on.

They were making me anxious about Curtis today. I went looking on facebook and saw that something was going on. He commented on one of Carrie's pictures where one of her ex-boyfriends was sleeping on the bed with two puppy dogs. She must have taken the picture some time ago. The picture must have upset him because he put a question mark and a frown and then wrote 'whatever! goodnight' on his page. I know that he knows about the other guys that she has been with, and I'm assuming that this picture was from back in that time period. But it means something to him and I don't understand. Maybe he just doesn't want her to have those pictures up at all? Or maybe the picture is from a time period when Curtis and Carrie were together, and she had that guy in her room during that time. So then Carrie said on her page that Curtis is mad at her and she doesn't know why.

Several times 'they' have said that she cheated on him, so it should be okay if he cheats on her. I don't think it's that simple.

'They' woke me up and then gave me one of the 'inception' urges, one of those ideas that I have to do something, I must do something, and I know that the urge was planted in my mind by them, but this particular thing I agreed to do, because it was my current initiative anyway.

They urged me to go back to the storage unit and go look for a particular box. They wanted me to find my coins. I started buying old silver dollars a few years ago, but I haven't bought many recently. I wanted to buy them recently whenever I had two jobs, and was working 72 hours a week, and had lots of extra money, but 'they' forced me to buy some electronic devices that I don't really need and hardly use - another laptop, an ipod, and two mobile phones (by accident, because I was intending to return one of them, and never got around to it). I didn't want those things, I wanted to buy coins instead, but I was forced to get the urge to buy new electronic gadgets, and yeah, I was right, I hardly use the things I bought. I remember arguing with 'them' when they were giving me the forced urge to go buy those things.

I had a couple coins here and a few still in storage. To get the box out, I had to move a whole bunch of things, so I ended up taking some boxes home in the trunk of my car. I think that was probably the point, to get me to take boxes out of storage besides the one I was originally looking for.

I dug through boxes and boxes of stuff. A lot of the boxes are lightweight, because I stuffed a few things in them quickly when I was in a hurry to move out. I didn't have to open them and look inside, because the only box I wanted had a label written on the outside of it.

I couldn't find it anywhere, and I was about to leave. 'Maybe it's at the house?' I said. There's a small storage closet here at my apartment with some stuff in it, and I thought I might have the box there. But then 'they' made me look down at the very bottom of a stack, the lowest box under all the others, and there was the box I was looking for. So I moved all the others and got the one out from the bottom.

It was really heavy. I couldn't believe how heavy it was. I was surprised because I knew I didn't have THAT many coins. There were a few, but not enough to make it that heavy. I couldn't remember what was in it until I got home and saw that it also contained the silverware from Granddaddy, the forks and spoons and knives. I forgot about that. It also has my (non-valuable) jewelry in a box. I bought a lot of jewelry in college, with multicolored glass beads, semiprecious stones, and things like that. The box also had my marble solitaire set. There's a circular board with holes in it, and you make the marbles jump over each other until there are no marbles left on the board. It's really hard, and I think I only won it once, because I never figured out the strategy. I bought it because the marbles are beautiful semiprecious stones.

They were anxiously wanting me to give Curtis notes and tell him that I love him. I haven't said those words lately - I was usually writing it in email during the time when I believed he wasn't getting my emails at all. I thought if he wasn't getting them, it didn't matter what I said, and 'they' always wanted to urge me to express myself to him, and yes, I do love him, although it is hard to say it, and it's hard to explain to anyone who questions whether it's 'real love' or 'just attraction' or something else.

I decided a while ago that it's possible to love someone that you're attracted to, even if you might not want to marry that person. You can still call it love, and every type of love is different, and every relationship is different, and we just don't have enough words in the English language to describe the subtle differences and nuances of love. It's hard to explain exactly what type of love I feel for him, but it is love.

But I haven't been writing to him, partly because the facebook page is malfunctioning, and he doesn't look at his yahoo email, so I haven't written to his yahoo email either. And I haven't texted him, although I think I could send an email to his text number, but I'd have to know the phone service provider, and I can look up the address you have to type for it. I don't want to abuse the privilege of texting, and anyway we've had some bad experiences texting in the past, because it's not like a face to face conversation, and because 'they' made me send him dozens and dozens of messages. I'm afraid that will happen again if I'm allowed to text him at all, so I'm not even trying.

But 'they' keep telling me that Curtis is worried because I haven't been saying 'I love you' and reminding him of it. I haven't given him lots of notes or emails or texts lately either.

The one time when I saw him I almost hugged him. It was very close to happening. That was the time I wrote about when I got so excited that I felt like I was going to throw up, and then, later on that day, I decided I actually had a stomach virus for real, and getting overexcited was too much for my stomach to handle when I was already getting sick. (Yes, the voices have been telling me that my blog should have categories and tags and a search box, so that people can look up all the blogs about Curtis, and so on. This blog wasn't really 'planned,' and it's not very reader-friendly.)

This last time that I saw him, I didn't get close enough to hug him, and we were out in the open, and not really alone, so I stayed for a very brief moment and didn't talk much. I was too scared to even move closer to him.

The 'fantasies,' or images in my mind, and I assume that 'they' put the fantasies there, because I haven't been able to fantasize on my own ever since I started getting attacked - in the fantasies I sometimes kiss him on the cheek or nuzzle against his face, and he has grown a stubble beard recently, so I would brush against the bristles, and lay my head down under his chin, against his neck and chest, as he's only a little bit taller than I am. I'd love to do that, but I can't believe I would do it in the real world unless something drastically changed in my fear level. I am still so scared that whenever I do give him any notes by hand, my hands shake while I'm giving it to him, and I get so terrified and excited that I can hardly speak, so I mumble quietly. I have to be close to him to do that. I've avoided looking him deeply in the eye, too, because of fear and pain and distrust and grief, and because I can't relax, and also I tend to do that more easily when I'm on drugs. I want to trust him and I want to look him in the eye. I want to touch him again too.

It's strange, I must have really avoided looking at him. I hardly could see him at all. I don't remember whether he still has his beard or not. I was surprised that he started to grow one and surprised that he kept it as long as he did. It was a couple months. I only saw him with a couple days of stubble in the past. But this last time I visited, I was so scared that I couldn't look at him, couldn't see him, and I really couldn't see whether he still had it or not. And I have normal vision, so it wasn't a problem of not being able to see. I think he still has it.

He did say that he wanted me to visit more often and keep in touch. I will, and I'll keep trying. It won't always be easy to do.