about Martin; my work schedule; the 'temporary workplace friend'

5/4/10 3:43:56 PM
This is about a bunch of things that I haven't mentioned yet. I'm not in the manic mood of the blog I wrote Monday morning, so this one is more boring.

Religion: This week I will update the page so that there aren't any more 'dummy' pages that don't say anything. I have a couple of unfinished sections or too-brief sections. Some of them say silly things like 'this is a web page!' or whatever - I forget what I said, it was just commenting about how to make a page, or something.

Other stuff: A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I was thinking about Martin, and that if he ever wanted to be a friend or be part of my life, I said the door was open to him. Well, I actually saw him a couple days after writing that. He must have been visiting to go to the football game. There was some game that I didn't know about, where Penn State did tryouts or something, and they were only playing against themselves. To everybody else, this game was a big, huge event, but I didn't even know about it all, because I don't watch football. Someone was making jokes about how Penn State was going to play against itself, and it would lose. That kind of thing. (That was from somebody who didn't like Penn State.) And I shouldn't even say that, because this wasn't the right time to be complaining about Penn State - that wasn't what I was trying to do. When I talk about Martin, there's going to be a lot of 'puppet' comments, and things that will sound like insults, and that's not from me. I really am not trying to insult Penn State, or Martin himself, right now.

So anyway, he was here, probably for that game. He was at Weis and I saw him when he was looking at the hoagies. I don't know if he bought any. I saw him and I was too shocked to be friendly. I ducked into the back room and said, 'Oh my god, what the hell?' I wasn't expecting to see him. (Yes, I'm an atheist, yet I still always say 'Oh my god' all the time.)

So when I say 'the door is always open to him', I mean it, but I might need to have more warning before seeing him. I actually would talk to him if he wanted to talk, but it would have to be done a certain way. Maybe someone would have to give me a message from him or ask me to talk to him. (I'm not even going to TRY using the telephone or email, that's just impossible. I know by now not to even bother with that.) If I see him all of a sudden like that, I get too upset and I run someplace to hide from him. I can't just say 'Hey Martin, how are you doing?' or something, because that's not me. This isn't just a 'light and casual' kind of thing. This is a 'months and months of torture' kind of thing. Not being able to get a response by phone or email, while simultaneously the mind control attackers were forcing me to try writing letters and calling him, over and over again, especially if I was reacting to drug residues that made me more 'obedient' when they told me to do things.

I assume that he received some, but not all, of my letters and calls. I assume that I received some, but not all, of the emails that he sent me. (There were only a few, in the very beginning.) Other than emails and calls, I have direct observations, things that I saw him say and do, in person, when I saw him at work. His behavior made him look like he was 'not just neutral.' He was reading my other blog at eagledove9 (I had given him the link to my myspace page), and doing facebook pictures based on some of my blogs - but I don't even know if he was able to read each and every blog post, or whether maybe the most important ones were hidden from him and he couldn't see those web pages.

A couple times at work, I said things to him, and he wasn't able to speak back to me. I'd say something unimportant having to do with work, and it might be just a question or comment or 'what do we have to do?' kind of thing, and he would sometimes not answer at all. If he were 'neutral' feeling, he'd be able to talk about mundane things like 'are we taking the trash out' or whatever. He had some kind of suppressed feeling, and I don't know what feeling it was, but it made him unable to speak. That is why, to this day, even now, I see him as a fellow sufferer, a victim of an attack. I have to explain this.

I always used to worry about computer hackers, because I was being harassed and stalked over the computer, and I was being forced to write emails to a particular guy every time there was a hacking incident. Nowadays, I am not worried about computer hackers as much, because electronic mind control and other remote attacks are more important to me. I've decided that computer hacking is a commonplace thing that large numbers of ordinary people are able to do. You just have to go download software and go to some web pages to read about how to do it. There will be different degrees of expertise. Some people will be really good at it, and others will just barely be able to operate the software that they downloaded that somebody else wrote. But it's commonplace for people to get into other people's computers and their email, and do things to it, or read things from it, or whatever. I see it as something that happens all the time, every day.

So, 'the voices' were always trying to convince me that Martin was hacking into my computer and reading the things I wrote about him. Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. I don't know. It's possible. I am not making a big deal about it if he did, because, like I said, I'm more concerned about other things.

But people who hack into someone else's computer can still be the victim of disinformation. Somewhere out there, there are bigger hackers than you. This will always be true. Somebody else out there did it before you and knows more about it than you do. (And 'you' doesn't mean Martin, it means anybody, in that sentence.) When you hack into someone else's computer, you STILL might not be seeing 'the truth' or 'what does she REALLY think of me?' You might still see only what 'they' want you to see. You might see distorted pieces of information that have been sent to you by someone else who wanted to make sure that you got confused or hurt or misled. It might be 'based on a true story' but taken out of context. Not only that, but I am a puppet writer who says what they force me to say. I might say words that sound meaningful or have some 'secret information', as though I know something, when in reality I don't know it. It might sound like I'm hinting at something and in reality I'm just writing what they forced me to say, and I myself don't understand its meaning. (I wrote a lot of things about Martin on my computer during that time period, every detail of little things that happened at work, so there would be a lot for him to read about himself.) They might want to make it look like I know things that I actually don't know.

An example is the blog. In eagledove9, they made me write about subjects that Martin might have interpreted as being about him. I never knew that Martin had a page with the word 'alien' in it, but I was given the idea to write a blog about 'do aliens exist?' or something, after reading FSK's blog. (fskrealityguide.blogspot.com).

They tried to tell me his nickname was 'Martian,' but I couldn't understand the word they were saying because of bad audio quality. I would look at Martin when I saw him at work, and a voice would whisper 'Martian,' but to me, it sounded like the word 'mushroom.' There is a particular type of voice attack, and it's speeded up too much, so that the word is said too quickly and is too short. It ought to be drawled out a little longer so that you can understand the word. This particular voice whispered it so fast that it didn't sound like the speed of a normal voice talking. I don't know the technical reasons why this whisper had this type of bad audio quality, but they needed to make an adjustment to the speed.

I couldn't understand why they were calling him 'mushroom' and it seemed like they were making fun of his hairstyle, because for a while, he had slightly long hair, and when I was younger, years and years ago, I used to describe a 'mushroom' hairstyle that I didn't like. The Amish men's hairstyle could be described as the mushroom shape. If their hair is thick and curly, it sticks out on the sides. (*Yes, I love long hair on men. I am not complaining about that. But in the beginning, when hair is just starting to get long, it goes through some difficult phases, and you just have to tolerate those phases until it gets longer. There's a phase when it's hanging down over your eyes, but not long enough to hook it over your ears to get it out of the way, and things like that. You just have to be patient with it for a while. But a long time ago, I called one of those phases the 'mushroom' hairstyle, that's the point I was trying to make.*)

So all that time, I had no idea that he was nicknamed 'Martian' and that he had a web page that used the word 'alien.' When I wrote blogs about aliens, I didn't know that Martin might interpret that as being about him. It was unintentional. They do that kind of thing all the time. They said they wanted to make him believe that I knew everything about him, that I was watching him, that I was spying on him, hacking his computer, knowing everything he knew, reading his mind - and that I was lying about all of it. Supposedly, I would be saying I didn't know anything about him, but I was, supposedly, secretly lying about that and actually knowing everything. This is what they told me they wanted him to believe. In reality, I hardly know anything at all about what's going on in his life.

I'm going to be blunt about this, but, I like the real world. I like real-world, in-person relationships where I can see somebody, talk to them in person, and touch them and be close to them in person. I don't like long-distance, faraway, hacking-and-mind-control, spying-and-surveillance type relationships. If I want to have a relationship with someone, I don't want to just watch them from afar, I want to BE WITH THAT PERSON. There is nothing for me to gain by watching someone from afar and controlling that person's life without actually BEING THERE. Physical contact, the sight and sound of a person being there with me, all of that is important to me. I don't gain satisfaction by torturing people from far away and watching them while they suffer. That is NOT ME. If you look at my MySpace page, there's a picture of me holding Alexander on my lap. I wouldn't have a long-distance, computer-hacking, email-hacking relationship with my old cat Alexander. Alexander was somebody to touch and pet and look at in the real world. That is the type of relationship that I value, not some god-like spying-from-above type of relationship.

(Yeah, this blog is a little disorganized today. I wonder how much easier it will be for me to write when I'm not living in a moldy apartment anymore? This apartment is nowhere near as moldy as the duckpond apartment, but even so, it has a little bit, and it gives me some fatigue.)

Anyway, that's enough, I just wanted to explain what happened with Martin and how I saw him recently and I hid from him. It's true that I ran away when I saw him, but if he called out my name or asked me to go talk to him, I would do it, or if he sent a message through somebody else to tell me to talk to him, I would. I am not trying to ignore him on purpose. I was shocked and surprised to see him. He would have to actually tell a friend, or give a paper note through a friend, or see me in person and call out to me, because I no longer trust email or phone calls AT ALL. They are unreliable, sometimes getting through, just enough to make you believe that you 'might be able' to get a message through that way, and then they stop getting through, and the person doesn't receive any of the IMPORTANT messages that you send to them, they only receive an occasional unimportant message about nothing, and the ones that really matter the most, they never get those messages.

*****
My work schedule: Still being negotiated. I tried to make an appointment to talk to my store manager at McD about it. He told me he'd talk to me the next day - I had asked him if there was a time tomorrow when I could spend a few minutes talking and not have to hurry, and he said he'd be there, but then, the next day, he wasn't there, and instead he was working at a different store. I don't know why. He had to go to College Avenue McD instead. Then he went on vacation! So he's not even there right now and I can't talk to him. I had asked one of the managers, the guy who does the scheduling, about working a different shift, and he said they needed to hire some night shift people, and they needed me on night shift.

This change of work schedule isn't something where 'I ask permission' and 'they say no' and that's the end of it. Instead, this is something that I am going to do, regardless of what they say. I am going to make a change. This is the whole reason why I have TWO JOBS. People can't tell me that I can't work a certain schedule, they can't have as much power over me, they can't scare me by cutting my hours and that kind of thing. Whenever we go through those times of year whenever they cut hours at Weis, it doesn't affect me if they cut my hours a little bit, because I have a second job. And I don't have to just obey everything they tell me about my schedule and submit to everything they want me to do, because anytime I lose one job, I still can increase my hours at the other job at least for a while. I tell them both what my availability is, and those are the hours and days that I work.

But to make this less painful for everybody, I am still going to negotiate with the store manager at McD. I am going to do something, but we can at least discuss what our options are. The worst case scenario is that I remain on night shift, but I drastically cut and restrict my hours. For instance, I might say that I am only available to work from 10:00 PM until 2:00 AM, or something. That would be the worst case scenario. Then I would increase my hours at Weis. I don't really want to do it that way. I would prefer to move to the morning shift at McD, then work afternoons at Weis; or maybe work mornings at Weis, and afternoons at McD. So I will discuss the options with the store manager when he gets back.

The goal is to make my time at both jobs happier and more enjoyable. The night shift is a boring, lonely shift where all you do is clean, and there's only two other people there, the manager and the other lady who works overnights the same days I do. It's true, we serve customers at night at McD, but I personally don't get to make the food very much. I enjoy cooking, I hate cleaning, and I don't really enjoy dealing with customers directly, although I'm able to do it when I have to. I'd rather cook and make the food, that's what I like the most at McD. On overnight, that other lady works in the kitchen cooking, and she's the ONLY person who works in the kitchen. This is one of those frozen social status situations. She has been there for a couple decades, literally, like more than twenty years. There is NO CHANCE that we could switch places and she would clean the lobby and take orders on headset while I did the cooking. Plus, she has such a thick foreign accent that nobody can understand what she's saying, so that's another reason why she isn't talking directly to customers.

If I worked in the evenings or mornings at McD, there would be a chance that I could do different jobs on different days. Sometimes I might get stuck on headset and order taking, but other times I might get to work in the grill area. There would at least be a chance. I am noticing that there seems to be a 'demand' for people who can use the cash register and take orders, which means that I ought to get paid a higher wage for doing that. And it ought to be a SIGNIFICANTLY higher wage instead of a trivial higher wage (oooh, five cents more, before taxes! yippee!).

Also, I have considered training to become a manager, several times over the years. I've worked at McD since 2005, except for the time when I was fired. You can't train to be a manager when you're only working overnight. You have to start as a 'crew trainer,' somebody who teaches other people how to do things, and I can't be a crew trainer when the only people I can teach are the lady who's been there for twenty years, or the manager who's on duty.

In fact, I WOULD like to tell the lady who's been there twenty years how to do a couple things. There are a few things she does that can, and should, be done in a drastically different way, but because of the 'frozen social status' situation, I am not allowed to command her to do things differently. I am an inferior, I am a newcomer, I am low status. I have tried to tell her a couple times about these things and she dismissed the very thought of it, immediately. NO, we absolutely will NOT do it that way, EVER. That's not how things are done around here. She is an SJ guardian personality type. That means she's really good at doing things according to a fixed schedule: you do X at 10:00, then do Y at 10:30, every day. She's good at preparing for tomorrow, making sure things are set up as needed by a certain time. She's more organized and efficient than I am. But her weakness is that she's inflexible, that it's totally unthinkable to try doing something a different way even if it's a much better way. There is one, and only one, way of doing things, and it was written in the bible by God himself, and it has always been that way and it will always be that way, till the end of eternity, no matter how difficult and inconvenient and ineffective it is to use that method.

For instance, we have these nonstick Teflon covers for the platen of the grill, the part of the grill that closes down over the hamburgers and cooks the top of them so that you don't have to flip them over anymore. When I worked at Nittany Mall McD they taught me to take off those Teflons and wipe them off with a towel while they were still hot, while they're lying on the grill. The grease is liquid and it wipes off easily. We were strictly forbidden to take them back to the sink and wash them there, because 1. the grease freezes up under the cooler water, making it impossible to wipe off, and 2. whenever you scrub it hard to get the frozen grease off, you scratch and scrape the Teflon, so it gets holes in it and it gets worn out more quickly. I agreed with this.

Then I go to THIS McD, and everyone takes them off and brings them back to the sink, and struggles and struggles to wipe off the grease under hot running water, causing it to solidify and become impossible to wipe off, for five minutes, when it could quickly be wiped off in a couple seconds if it were on the hot grill. I tried to explain that to her. She dismissed it instantly. It even SAYS so in the training video which is on the computer downstairs! I could actually take her downstairs and show it to her on the computer, it says DON'T take them to the sink, but instead, wipe them while it's still hot, on the grill. But this is UNTHINKABLE. God himself wrote in the bible that the Teflons should be taken to the back sink, and you should struggle and struggle and struggle to clean them the hard way, while damaging them in the process.

That's just one example. I won't go into more detail, it's all stuff like that. Little things that irritate me.

Anyway, my schedule WILL change. I will talk to the manager, and he and I will decide, together, what exactly the change will be, and how painful it will be for everyone. But I am not staying on night shift anymore. That will change.

****
Quickly mentioning my favorite guy at work: I only saw him for a couple seconds this week. Last week, or whenever, I was very upset, because - and I hardly ever do this, but sometimes, 'they' encourage me to go do it - I went into the office of his department and I looked at his schedule. I hardly ever do that, and I usually have no idea what schedule he's working. But sometimes, rarely, I do go look. And last week, I went and I saw that his name wasn't on the schedule anymore. I thought he had finally quit or gotten fired.

In my meditation book by Lawrence Leshan, the author said that if you had unusual psychic experiences, such as predicting the future or knowing things you couldn't have known, as a result of meditating, you shouldn't brag about those things, and you shouldn't focus on them too much or make a big deal out of them. You shouldn't make that your reason for meditating, because meditation is supposed to serve the purpose of self-knowledge and self-development, instead of being used to make you 'the best psychic.' The same thing happens with hearing voices. Hearing voices is the result of an electronic attack, some person out there pushing buttons on a device and projecting voices into your head. However, sometimes they tell you the truth. Lots of times they lie to you, and I have been lied to many times by the voices, but other times, they tell me information that I could not have otherwise known. This was one of those times. The voices told me he was in jail. They didn't tell me why.

I didn't know whether to believe it. I still believed he had quit or gotten fired. So I was very upset, because I already know that text messages and phone calls don't work, and I haven't looked him up online - I am trying to avoid that, I'm not going to any web pages he has or anything. If he leaves, I won't be able to reach him very easily, unless I do things that are socially unacceptable. For instance, I could ask one of my co-workers to give a message to his mother, because they are friends. That is socially inappropriate, but it is a real possibility if I were desperate. It would be weird and obvious and I would have to explain that he and I weren't really able to get text messages to each other. I'd have to explain that I actually went to the back room and took his number off the wall, and he didn't give it to me. (I could also explain that he - should I even say this? He literally ran away from me after I gave him MY phone number a long time ago.) I'd have to explain that I asked him to go out with me, I'd asked him to meet me someplace, and he said he was too busy, working too many hours and then spending the rest of his time with his girlfriend, a clear 'no.'

Nobody believes me when I say that my text messages are being hacked and intercepted. Not only that, but I don't know for sure how many of my messages he's actually getting and ignoring. He COULD be getting some of them, and ignoring them. I don't know. I can't talk to him enough to find out. He is somewhat saying 'no' to me, but not totally, and he also gives some 'yes' signals. I don't know enough to understand.

Anyway, if I sent a message to his mother, through my co-worker, I would have to explain that I'm not really sure whether he WANTS to receive messages from me, or whether I am in the role of 'creepy stalker.' And that's hard to explain. Am I a creepy stalker, or am I someone he'd love to talk to, but he can't get my messages? Don't know. This is why I had originally NOT EVEN *TRIED* to contact him by phone or text message, until 'they' FORCED me to do it. I already knew it was futile and hopeless to try to reach him by any kind of electronic communication at all. I already knew that it was futile to try to start up a real-world, outside-work relationship with him. Right now he is only a 'temporary workplace friend,' and he is barely even a friend, because I only get to spend a couple seconds with him here and there.

Well, I was crying and upset for a day or two, thinking he was gone, and thinking that it was time for me to get used to his absence, and give up on trying to reach him by phone or text. I was grieving and accepting it, thinking it's probably better this way anyhow. I mentioned it to a guy who asked me how I was doing, and he said that this person might be gaming me. I've already read about, and written about, games, and 'the game,' the book about seduction, which I haven't read. I have my theories about some of the events that people believe are mind games. I think that some of it involves people not getting messages you send to them. These people are innocent, they are not playing games, and they would like to be with you, if only they were able to send and receive messages to you. Other times, it's true, people are cruel to each other and they have a lot of motives for doing this. But I always say: Unless they are walking around wearing a shield over their whole body, then they, too, are being attacked and mind-controlled, made into puppets, just like I am, being forced to say untrue things, forced to feel untrue things, forced to be someone they're not, all the time, just like I am. You don't know what really originates from within them.

Anyway, I saw him again, and asked him why he was off the schedule. He said he had been in jail. (The voices told the truth.) He got arrested for DUI.

The next time I saw him, I gave him a big note that I had written, a sort of goodbye note, and I gave it to him anyway even though he wasn't leaving. I told him I loved him and I had cherished all of the special moments we had together, every time we had touched and been close with each other. I told him everything I could remember, every one of those moments.

Did he respond by treating me like a 'creepy stalker?' No, he's still being nice to me and friendly to me. He isn't acting cold, angry, disgusted, or violated. He isn't giving 'ick, that's gross' vibes.

I have an example of sexual harassment. There is another guy I know who is a 'space invader,' and no, I don't mean 'Martian.' This guy walks behind you - and it's not just me, it's ALL the females there. He walks behind you, and taps his hand against your butt when he passes by, lightly, as though it brushed against your butt by accident. It happens frequently, again and again, and it is NOT an accident. We have all talked about it and we all agree that it is being done on purpose. Several people have complained about him. He does other things that are more obvious and less sneaky.

I have to mention something that happened. It's going to sound unbelievable, and it will sound like an 'excuse,' but it is the truth. Because of reading Weston Price, I became interested in eating fish eggs. Primitive cultures ate fish eggs to maintain the fertility of the women. I think that they contain active hormones. It's like taking a pill. Fish eggs will make you throw up, at least, caviar does, if you eat a lot. You have to eat only a couple tiny eggs at a time, like taking medicine. They are almost inedible. But the benefit is that it will make you ovulate, and it might be an aphrodisiac, although I'm not sure if it has that short-term effect. When I ate the caviar, it made me ovulate very strongly, and I *KNEW* I was ovulating, and I felt very fertile and very sexual, as though I was a teenager again. During that day or two when I was ovulating very strongly, I attracted a lot of people, and I was looking in people's eyes, both men and women. It was similar to being on drugs, when drugs make me more friendly or more sexual than usual.

On that day, the sexual harasser guy could tell that I was receptive, and he started pacing around back and forth near me, all the time (we work in a place where everyone is close together). I allowed him to touch me, and we started hugging, and he held my hand, he hugged me many times that day, and he tried to kiss me but I didn't let him kiss me. However, I did actually allow the touching, but only that one day.

Afterwards, I didn't want to touch him anymore, because I am usually not attracted to him. My feelings towards him are conflicted. I do find him slightly attractive, but also, I find him repulsive. Overall, it's a 'no.' That conflict is a weakness, and he knows that I have this weakness, this uncertainty. That is how he was able to get in.

So, after that one day of allowing him to touch me, I had to put the barrier back up again. He kept trying to get close to me again, and touching against me when I didn't want him to. And, as I said above, he does this to ALL the women, not just me.

I started to feel rage. And I'm not the only person who feels this way - I talked to another girl, and she described exactly the same feeling - I started to get a feeling of rage building up, extreme anger, and I felt so angry that anytime this person approached me, I started looking around the room for a sharp object to grab. I am not exaggerating, I actually looked around the room to find a sharp object, or a blunt heavy object. That was my rage. And I swear that this other girl described EXACTLY the same feeling of rage and disgust and revulsion and hatred, that same urge to grab a sharp object when he was nearby. It wasn't only me.

I got angry enough that I quietly confronted him. I didn't yell at him loudly in front of everybody. I talked to him privately. I told him not to touch me anymore. He understood. He stopped touching me for a couple weeks, and I wouldn't look him in the eye anymore, and I stopped even saying 'good morning' or anything to him. So he actually DID stop touching me, for a little while.

Then, after a while, I started to look him in the eye again, a little bit, and say normal 'good morning' type of things. However, he responded badly. I was only trying to treat him like a decent human being, and give him the normal social respect and kindness. He responded by starting to touch my butt again when he walked by. Apparently, if I merely acknowledge that he exists, he thinks it's permission to tap my butt when he walks by. Other times, he brushes against my shoulder, and if other people do that, I don't mind, and it seems like an accident if other people do it - but most people make a conscious effort to avoid even brushing against people's shoulders, they actually make a LARGE space in between when they walk past you. This guy doesn't.

So now, back to my favorite guy: I don't want to be in the role of unwanted sexual harasser, making advances when you don't want them. He's being nice to me, and I don't want to do what the sexual harasser guy did: thinking it's permission to do whatever I want. Just because he's being nice, just because he's being friendly, just because he talks to me and treats me like a decent human being, doesn't mean that he WANTS to be sexually harassed. He could be 'just being nice.' Or he could have conflicts and uncertainty - maybe sometimes he's attracted to me, and other times not. I understand how that is. That really happens. It happened to me. I made a mistake with the sexual harasser guy, on a day when I was vulnerable, and then I had to put up a barrier again and fix the mistake. So I am aware of this and I know I could be in the other role, with my favorite guy, and he could being 'saying yes and no' both, and not sure how to settle it without hurting me too badly. He's nice enough that he would still want to say 'hello' and talk to me in a normal friendly way. He wouldn't want to completely block me out.

I used to touch him, in little ways - a tap on the arm with my hand, that kind of thing - nothing at all - but it was everything, it was a very big deal, it was very important and very special and I was terrified and excited. It wasn't casual, it wasn't easy, it was terrifying. I stopped doing it because 1. I patched up some of the things that I was getting drug residue from, and 2. I didn't want to become a sexual harasser. The drug residues made me able to do things I can't normally do, like touching people.

So I hardly spoke to him at all this week, and barely saw him, and haven't settled anything... However, he now has my address, the time and place where he can meet me, and he knows that I love him (although I would like to define what I mean by the word 'love,' and I don't have time for that right now). I'm doing what I can, and I'm being patient.

I have to finish this up because I'm getting ready to go out to the bookstore now.