puppets

2:17 AM 5/25/10

Yes, the hypersomnia thing is much, much better. They woke me up in the middle of the night, and again, after waking up, I feel mostly awake instead of needing more and more sleep. I'm in coffee withdrawal now. 'Falling off the wagon', drinking coffee again, was meant to be temporary to deal with the fatigue and the excessive sleep. I am getting back on the wagon. The voices were talking about how badly I fell off the wagon. They said that I fell off the front of the wagon, landed underneath it, got run over by the wheels, and then got left several days behind the wagons and would have to run on foot to catch up with them again. I was drinking a LOT of coffee very quickly after I started drinking it again. I was drinking it every few hours as soon as it started to wear off. This is one of the reasons why I swore (and my brother swore with me) not to ever drink alcohol. I know myself, and if I drank any alcohol at all, I would drink huge amounts of it and become an alcoholic very quickly.

I was supposed to write about puppets, but after mentioning coffee, I need to mention another thing they wanted me to say: Whenever you are in a group of people, and lots of them smoke and chew tobacco, and they're family, and everybody feels that using tobacco is normal, it's hard to quit smoking. It's hard to even think about quitting when you're surrounded by family and friends who are doing it. It would be hard to even understand WHY you would bother to quit.

I've experienced secondhand smoke before, and also, I tried to grow tobacco and I contaminated some stuff with tobacco. Some of the tobacco residues are still in the storage area. I know what low doses of tobacco feel like. They usually make me more cheerful and energetic. If I get only a little bit of secondhand smoke, I feel like I'm able to work harder and I have more energy. If I get a LOT of it, I get insomnia, I feel miserable, my heart is pounding, I get very irritable and moody, and I feel horrible for hours, especially if it's in the air where I'm trying to sleep, and on my clothing. I don't wash my hair with shampoo anymore, so I imagine it would be hard to get tobacco smoke out of my hair. I know how it feels to 'crash' after using tobacco. You start to get hungry and irritable. When it happens to me, I sometimes start crying, yawning, and shivering with cold more easily even when it's not that cold outside. I feel like I don't want to work and don't want to do anything. I get more and more hungry and I look for food but can't find what I want.

So, last time I saw my friend, I accidentally complained about his smoking. I had never seen him do it before - I had only seen him chewing tobacco and snus. I was in a bad mood for unknown reasons - it was one of my mood swings. I was saying things I don't normally say, and putting my foot in my mouth. Chances are, I said what 'they' told me to say, but that doesn't matter - he heard this coming out of MY voice, and he will remember that I'm the one who said it. I asked him, in front of another guy, while we were taking out the trash, - and I can't remember my exact words now. I asked him if it was cheaper to smoke than chew tobacco, or something, and I said I never saw him smoke before until recently, or something like that, and it was just 'different.' I said this in a disapproving voice, with distaste. I wasn't happy to see him smoking. That much is true. But normally I would not say this out loud. He said that he did both (smoke and chew) and that's all he said. Normally, I would have said nothing at all, but if he had spoken to me, I might have had a slightly irritated tone of voice and he wouldn't have known why. That's what I think I usually would have done.

I went away from this and I was upset for a while, and felt like maybe I had been forced to say it, but I wasn't sure, and I felt like I had just said it because I was in a bad mood. I don't want to boss people around and tell them what to do, especially if he has reasons why he's doing it. I imagine that he won't like me anymore if I tell him to do things or not do things, if I tell him to stop smoking, wear his seat belt, and that kind of thing. I always think that he's going to just do whatever he wants anyway and he won't respect anything that I tell him to do. It seemed disrespectful to talk about it in front of the other guy there, too.

My parents sometimes still tell me what to do, and we have major disagreements. One of the big things we disagree over is, they want me to get government money. They want me to get on welfare and get medicare. My mom says that if *I*, Nicole, got on welfare, it would somehow be different from all the other people on welfare - I wouldn't take advantage of it, she says, unlike some people who do take advantage of it. She's wrong. She doesn't understand what it's like to have a million chronic illnesses that make you barely able to survive. If somebody paid me to stay home and do nothing, then I would sit there and do nothing for the rest of my life. So I get angry whenever she starts telling me to apply for welfare and medicaid and every other type of government money that I could get.

They also believe that there is such thing as 'the right combination of drugs at the right dosage' to treat my 'mental illness' and cure my 'delusions.' They wanted me to go to the doctor and try drugs, because nowadays, the drugs are 'better' than they used to be (they're different, but not necessarily better).

That's what I think of whenever I get the urge to tell him to do things or not do things, like a parent would do. I imagine he'll be angry because he disagrees and he has his reasons why he wants to do the things he does. I imagine he'll just stop talking to me, avoid me, and hang out with his other friends, since he has lots of other friends anyway.

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About puppets.

Everyone is a puppet. If you are walking around in the world without a mind-control shield covering your whole body, you are a puppet.

I assume that everybody who did any pranks or penis-related incidents in the past few days was a puppet. Somebody put the ideas in their heads and made them say and do things.

Hackers can be puppets. You can be forced to get the urge to go look in someone's computer. You can be forced to get the urge to go to a website that gives you software and tells you how to use it to read someone's email or get through their passwords. All urges can be forced, especially if you use drugs.

And yes, even electronic attackers can be puppets: they can be forced to get the urge to go get their equipment, learn how to use it, and get the urge to go use it on somebody. They can get misguided beliefs about a person, and go attack that person because of something that isn't true. Nobody stops them from doing it, so they know they can get away with it forever and they're perfectly safe, so they can just enjoy the addiction of talking to someone they want to talk to, while that person is lying in bed - it feels like a real relationship (it isn't). And all the other things they do are an addiction too, and nobody stops them. They are not necessarily doing this of their own free will, because again, they are ordinary people exposed to attacks from OTHER controllers, and we don't know who those controllers are or where they are.

The younger someone is, the more innocent I assume they are: young people do strange, random things, like pranks, without knowing why and without having much control over themselves (it's worse if they're on drugs). However, most middle-aged and old people are clueless, too - hardly anyone in the mainstream world knows about electronic mind control, and they can be easily forced to do something or say something to you. This is not their fault.

This had to be said, because I don't want people thinking that someone is doing something on purpose, when in reality, I don't know what is going through their mind or why they do what they do.