awake again

1:51 PM 5/9/10

I'm not supposed to be awake right now, but 'they' woke me up, and then I used my cell phone to listen to my voice mail, forgetting that it wakes you up even more if you put a cell phone right next to your head. I've read that the frequency of a cell phone's radio signal can cause insomnia, and I've actually experienced it, using my cell phone and then being totally awake for several hours afterwards.

They reminded me of a couple things. First, in case he reads this, I wasn't saying that 'they,' he and his girlfriend, were being sadistic to me. I meant, 'the voices' or 'the attackers,' the people who urged me to try to be aggressive, to try to get into a relationship with him. I don't know if he reads this or not, but he does have the URL in one of his notes.

Even if they hadn't forced me to try writing notes to him and to steal his phone number off the wall in the back room, I still would have had feelings for him, because I couldn't help it. I was already having conversations with him - it was unavoidable. I couldn't help the way I feel. That had already happened. So, whether or not I had made any attempt to start communicating with him outside work, I still would miss him when he left. It would be different, in that he wouldn't have gotten the handwritten notes, and so he wouldn't know how I feel about him, if that's important to know.

Also, 'they' were saying the word was 'ephebophilia,' not
phebephilia.' I forgot, I'll look it up again. I wrote the word wrong.

I was lying awake thinking about him going to jail. I know that movies aren't exactly like real life, but nevertheless, Shawshank Redemption is one of the very small number of videos that I have (it's on a VCR tape, and I don't have my little TV/VCR out of storage yet). So I've watched it a hundred times or so and have it memorized. Even though movies aren't like real life, the basic idea is that prison is a violent place where bad things can happen to you. He said he refuses to go back to prison. If he's seeing it like that, then he may think his chances are better if he goes into the military. He'd be in the military for only a short time.

My fear about him going to the military is that he wouldn't be there just a short time. He'd still be enlisted for an unknown length of time afterwards and he could be called back. I don't know the details of how it works, but I don't think you can just join temporarily and then quit and never get called back. I think it lasts for years and years and years. It would be important for me to know the exact details of how it works.

I'm going to look up the penalties for whatever crimes he listed, whatever I can remember. I want to know how long the jail time would be.

I don't want them to destroy his bargain. He told me he stopped drinking. I see that as a bargain. He got caught, he went to jail for a couple days, and going there for a couple days was enough to scare him to not do it again. His bargain is that he stopped drinking.

I keep getting voices saying, 'the question is, who called the cops?' He said that he had been at his ex-girlfriend's house, and he'd started drinking while he was there. He left, in his car, after getting drunk, and I guess he continued drinking. I got the impression, after asking him why he was doing this, is that it was because of stress and restlessness from fighting about money, about not having any money and his girlfriend's mother brainwashing her to believe that all men are evil, and he said that her mother was the reason she had requested child support payments from him.

So he went wandering in his car off into the woods, down the back roads. I know where they are because I've driven in there too. It goes into the State Forest, and all of a sudden I can't remember the name, and I want to call it 'Rockview State Forest' and I know that's the wrong name, I'm thinking of Rockview Prison. Maybe it is rockview, I forget. Anyway, he drove in there and then had a minor accident, but he was so drunk that he couldn't really understand what was going on, because he got out of his car and was walking around, or something, and he couldn't find his car, at one point. Maybe he tried to walk somewhere to get help, but he was too deep in the woods. Somebody drove up behind him and he said they were parked there for a while. I don't know if he was with his car at that point or not.

So that person called the cops, and they tested him and he failed all three of the drunkenness tests. They offered to take him in an ambulance, but he wasn't hurt, and he didn't want to have to pay for an ambulance, so he didn't go in that.

'Who called the cops' makes it sound like I should be angry at the person who did that. However, I myself have called the cops once in a while whenever I've seen an emergency that I didn't know how to handle. There was an incident once when I worked at Uni-Mart years ago. An Asian guy came in, and he couldn't speak English, and he was crying and acting very upset about something. I gave him some money of my own to help him. There was someone else working with me at the time, and we thought that somebody stole his car, or stole his wallet, or something. I called the cops because I couldn't understand the language he was speaking. They were able to get an interpreter, and he spoke to them on the telephone. That was why I called them.

However, they came and took him away, and I don't know how they treated him. But after a while, he came back and then he asked me to write down my address on a piece of paper for him so he could maybe keep in touch or send me my money back or something, later on. When he came back, he looked exhausted and miserable, which tells me that they spent a lot of time talking to him and trying to figure out what was going on. And they would have been worse to him because he was foreign, and they hate all foreign people. I wrote down my address, and there were a couple other people's addresses on there too. So, I hope that they didn't mistreat him - I don't know if the cops took his money away from him or anything, the money I gave him - anything could happen. After reading about how the police are in some other countries, I know that our police aren't the worst, but they're not always really nice either. They could be worse. But I don't know what happened.

So sometimes people call the cops because they just don't know what to do and they don't know who else to call. We don't have a free-market authority figure, some kind of security agency that people could call for emergencies, something that wouldn't get people involved with 'the law.' I call myself an anarchist now, but before that, I called myself a libertarian, and I've read the books by the big famous libertarian authors, Harry Browne and all the other people. I can quote from them the general idea that 'government doesn't work.' That's the title of Harry Browne's book, 'Why Government Doesn't Work.' (That's from back in the days when I bought books and read them because I actually had free time to sit around reading books, and they weren't getting contaminated by drug residues in my apartment.) Everything government does is going to be inefficient and bureaucratic and ruthless.

I was thinking to myself, government is government and it always will be. They will do things that you know are the wrong thing to do, and they do it anyway, and nobody stops them. I don't know what it's like inside a prison, but I do know how it is in the mental hospital. I was at risk the whole time I was there. They could have decided to force-drug me with Haldol, which is the drug they said they wanted to give me, and Haldol causes permanent disabling side effects like twitching. If they had decided to force-drug me, they would have done whatever they wanted and nobody would have stopped them, because nobody ever does. You pray and pray and pray, and still nobody stops them. I was lying in bed, almost praying, hoping that nothing bad would happen to him.

It doesn't matter if you argue that no, I don't need Haldol, and I'm not acting violent and I'm not freaking out, I'm sitting here calmly and I'm not even attacking anyone, and I'm having a calm, quiet, conversation with you. It doesn't matter. If I had been unlucky, I would've been force-drugged with Haldol anyway.

Now that I know about drug residues and transdermal absorption, I can tell you this: a psychiatrist is ALWAYS using the drugs that they prescribe, because they handle them, and they visit with people who are themselves using drugs. The drug residues are on the chairs and tables in the office. It happened to me when I went to the doctor a little bit ago about my chest pains, so I could get a doctor's excuse to go back to work. I got some kind of psychiatric drug residue on my skin just sitting there in the office at the table where the lady had me filing out forms. I was messed up for days and I had to get rid of the clothing.

The point is, I've said that those drugs cause murder-suicides. Those drugs cause the psychiatrists to become unfeeling robots, ruthless people who have no humanity inside them. I know how the drugs feel. They make you completely numb, and nothing matters. If a psychiatrist was already a cold person, they become even colder when they are touching drug residues all day every day. And they might even use the drugs themselves by prescription.

Drugs were involved in the Holocaust. This is something I watched on TV when I was at Peter's house. They did a show about one of the guys who was involved with the Holocaust. I don't remember who it was. They had caught this guy after the Holocaust was 'over,' and they were deciding what to do with him, in terms of going to jail and getting the death sentence and all that. They said that he had red painted fingernails or something, and that he had been using some kind of drug. It was one of the extreme, dangerous, hardcore stimulant drugs, and there may have been more than one drug, and he was addicted to it. He was one of the top people responsible for the Holocaust, one of the leaders. I'm saying that if you are on drugs, it makes you even more ruthless, destructive, and unfeeling than you ever would have been otherwise. Drugs make people do crazy, insane things.

The other day the voices were saying that if you don't accept that transdermal drug residues are real, then these problems are going to continue, and they made it sound like 'these problems' meant a large number of problems all around the world, in modern society. It's always hard to talk about the transdermal drug residue theory, and how important I think it is, and how much it explains, especially about things like unexplained mood swings and other strange symptoms. I already know about diets and food sensitivities, and that explains a lot about moods, but transdermal drug residues explain a lot of other stuff.

Well, the people who make the decisions are in a position of power, a position to do terrible harm and nobody stops them, just like the doctor who was pushing to get me drugged with Haldol when I went to the mental hospital. 'Nobody stops them' is the key idea. They know they are not going to get caught and punished for doing what they do. They don't have to pay for the consequences and the harm done to the people who suffer from their decisions.

So this situation now is that he can go to jail, and you can't tell them, 'Hey, guess what! He stopped drinking already! No need to go to jail now!' That's the bargain I mentioned up above.

I have to get ready for work; I'm trying to remember if that's all that I had wanted to say. I kept remembering things because I was lying there unable to go back to sleep, and when I lie there awake, there are always voices talking to me after they force me to wake up. But I have to go get ready now. I just wanted to emphasize that he and his girlfriend weren't being sadistic to me, I had meant that 'they' had been sadistic to me. 'They' means the attackers.