Consent; other sexuality topics; internet communication; interrupted thoughts

This blog is disorganized today and it has several different topics.

This was originally something I tried to write on somebody's blog about hebephilia (http://hebephile.insanejournal.com/), but for technical reasons, I wasn't able to get my browser to let me see the anti-spambot image.

Comment:

I have wondered about the idea of "consent" too, especially in very young children and babies. Children don't consent to be born. You create them without their consent. Then you pick them up and nurse them on your breast, and they don't consent to do that - you force them to, because they're helpless and unable to move. However, they enjoy it, but you couldn't know that ahead of time. In the USA, many people are phobic about breastfeeding because they think that sucking nipples is an "adults only" sexual activity, and breastfeeding is like some kind of pedophilia, having sex with babies.

And then, simply touching babies at all, wiping them off when you take off their dirty diapers, and carrying them and holding them - all of this is done without consent. The babies can't speak. They can only indicate "lack of consent" by expressing feelings, like screaming or crying, but they can't say "yes" or "no" or explain what the problem is. Anytime you initiate physical touch, you are doing it without consent. You can only watch their responses to see if they liked it or not.

-retmeishka

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It's funny that I'm trying to talk to this other blog author by posting comment replies on my own blog.

This wasn't on the comment, but I've also been thinking about using the internet or any other electronic form of communication to either GIVE consent or REFUSE consent.  When everything I send is getting hacked, intercepted, and messed with and distorted, I don't know whether people even receive the messages I send over the net, and I don't know if I get their messages, and if the messages say what we originally wrote in them.

It's easy to understand that you can't GIVE consent over the internet, but I started thinking (while talking with voices) that you can't really REFUSE consent over the internet either.  In all the incidents where they force me to try starting a relationship with somebody who then stops answering, doesn't reply to letters and phone calls, etc, (and now, with this particular most recent person, says he doesn't get the text messages) I start to get hurt feelings when they don't reply.  But you can't assume that those hurt feelings are legitimate, because for all you know, that person might really want to talk to you.  The lack of response should not be taken as a refusal.  It can't be taken as consent either.  It can only be taken as an uncertain piece of information with an unknown meaning.

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Bisexuality:  They finally made me go look for him on the net.  Whenever I facebook someone, I always used to say that meant I was saying goodbye to that person, or else that they were someone I had known a long time ago and had no real-world contact with, because the only people finding me on facebook are my old West Virginia school friends and Shepherd College friends, and I don't use facebook for anything else, like playing games.  However, this person would still be in the real world with me, at least until he quits/gets fired and inevitably becomes unable to be reached by phone or email.  He himself is passive about communicating with me anyway:  I've told him several different ways that he can reach me to talk, and he hasn't done it yet.  He won't even write a note to reply to direct questions that I've asked in notes, and I strongly requested a reply to a couple of things, and he didn't do it.

I am trying to get my emotions to settle into a realistic relationship with this person.  The murderers were opposing the point of view that I tried to create while lying in bed this morning.  I was trying to accept that he is mostly passive, he doesn't initiate, he doesn't reciprocate, he only responds a little bit, temporarily, if I myself am initiating, by writing notes and being aggressive.  I am trying to get a settled viewpoint, like I said, and it involves getting through a grieving process, so that I can accept the reality of what kind of relationship I can have with him.  The murderers, as always, wouldn't let me create my mental interpretation or viewpoint without being disturbed - they started telling me I was wrong, telling me the opposite of what I was thinking, and all that.

If you have ever read anything about 'active listening,' or how therapists and counselors, teachers, parents, and other people need to listen - any kind of listening skills discussion will talk about how you shouldn't just interrupt people and tell them they're wrong whenever they're trying to express a feeling.  They might be sitting there crying and saying, 'wahh, he's gone, he'll never talk to me again,' and you get the urge to interrupt them and say, 'yes he will!' or something like that.  It seems unthinkable or unbearable to accept the reality, or the imagined reality, of what they're saying.

It happens to me at work with this one particular girl.  She often blurts out self-insults about how fat she is.  She isn't really huge, she's just in the 'pleasantly plump' category, but she's always calling herself fat and insulting herself.  When she says these things I sometimes jump in and say 'no you're not' or something, and it's almost automatic.  It's very hard to listen to her and endure the feeling of her calling herself fat.

It's even worse when people are putting the voices in your head to interrupt the thought-feeling when you're alone.  You can't even process a feeling or emotion until it's all the way finished.  In person, in face-to-face interactions, it's understandable, because someone is next to you talking and you can't help hearing and responding to what they say.  But alone in your own house, you should be able to think thoughts and feel feelings all the way through without being interrupted.  Thinking a negative thought isn't the end of the world.  They, the soul-murderers, behave as though the universe will end if you merely think a negative thought (or if you have any free will or any soul expression at all).

Anyway, I have been trying to grieve and accept the reality of this person, and going to his web page and seeing him talk about being bisexual - that was painful to me - I know he has girlfriends, and has had lots of them in the past, but I imagine that I'm not really what he wants, and I never will be.  It's strange, but I am ALWAYS, or almost always, attracted to guys who are bisexual or almost bisexual or bi-tolerant, or somewhere in that gray area.  And my strongest feelings, my most intense crushes, are always towards them.  I dated a guy, in West Virginia, who later was 'discovered' to be gay, when he and his friend were in the army, and they left the army, partly because of that.  My first serious boyfriend, Terry, mentioned sometimes having desires for men and having some uncertainty about his orientation.  I had a big crush on a guy in college who described himself as bisexual.  And I usually like gay guys as friends, more than I like female friends - I'd almost rather be friends with a gay guy than a heterosexual female.  I tend to be drawn to them even though I know they're gay.   They're usually more interesting people somehow and they seem to understand me better.  My brother has had bisexual 'experiments' in the past but I don't know if he still does that nowadays.  The closest thing I ever did to experimenting was going to a chatroom and having cybersex with a lesbian.  (I don't actually 'do' anything while having cybersex in a chatroom, I just read whatever they're saying and write things back to them, but cybersex doesn't excite me much.  I don't get excited by reading words.)

It is frustrating and yet it happens again and again, I only tend to like certain kinds of guys, however inconvenient they might be, and one of those 'inconvenient' categories is the bisexual guys who might, sometimes, be more interested in men than they are in women, depending on what mood they're in.

(Reading the hebephelia blog I saw him talking about 'small breasted virgins.'  I've mentioned small breasted women before, too, about how they're nowhere to be found in mainstream pornography.  I also talked about 'skinny guys' or small guys, how you can't find them in mainstream porn, and about how the guy I like the most will usually be the smallest, skinniest guy in the room.  I'm not as interested in big, strong, muscular, adult-looking men.)

(However, after having written about this, 'they' will always send me some people to look at, customers going through the store, and they point out this person and ask me for my opinion or reaction to them.  They have shown me long-haired adult men, and I have a positive reaction to them.  Short-haired men are much less sexual to me than long-haired men, USUALLY, but not always.  It doesn't mean that I am necessarily only attracted to nothing but long-haired men, and it doesn't mean that having long hair guarantees that I will be attracted to you - there is no guarantee.  It only improves my overall positive reaction to both men and women.  Both men and women are more beautiful to me with long hair, and yes, I always describe men and boys as 'beautiful.'  Long-haired little boys are 'beautiful angels.'   Anyway, they showed me the adult man with waist-length blond dreadlocks, and my response was a feeling of security and reassurance to see someone else who belongs to my 'tribe.'  He's an occasional customer there, but I haven't seen him very often lately.  The other day they showed me another adult man with long hair, and I can't remember if he had any beard or not - beards are absolutely taboo and nowhere to be found, especially long beards with long head hair (instead of long beards with short head hair, which is extremely frustrating to me) - but this man had a little daughter walking with him - I like to see men with their children - and he also had well-developed cheekbones (you'll never see cheekbones the same way after reading Weston Price), and my reaction was, again, the feeling of security and protection.  He was big and strong and had no resemblance to a child.)

Anyway, the idea was 'being attracted to inconvenient categories of people.'  When I like bisexual guys, I always have that little doubt in my mind that maybe, they like men MORE than they like women, or they're actually gay and haven't admitted it yet.  It gives me the feeling that I have no chance at all, and I never will.  However, I've already had that feeling, since I can't get him to communicate with me outside of work, and I can't get him to understand the concept that 'everything is hacked, and I won't be able to reach you using any electronic communication such as phones, email, or text, because I'm being attacked by people who are intercepting and interfering with everything I do.'  He doesn't 'get' that idea yet.  If he doesn't ever 'get' that idea, then he won't participate in trying to find ways to meet me in person away from work so that we can talk or spend time together or 'negotiate' as I said the other day.  He'll still be thinking, 'If she wants to talk to me, why can't she just call me and make it easier for everyone?'

Phones and emails are unreliable.  You might get a few messages through now and then, but other times, they will be hacked and intercepted, and I don't know who's doing it.  It can be anyone, because hacking is commonplace and millions of people can do it.  Or, it could be 'my' particular hackers, the murderers who are constantly stalking me and ruining my life.  I don't know.

Oh, and by the way, electronic trading is probably a bad idea.  Just so you know.  Putting your money into something that's on a computer is a bad idea.  Your money depends on whether a little dot on a graph goes up or down.  Hackers are able to control that.  This big stock market collapse the other day was an example.  It could've been caused by anything, I don't know what, but it CAN be caused by hackers (the news media are calling them 'cyberterrorists,' but I don't use the T-word, 'terrorists,' because that's a nonsense word that the government uses for just about anything.  If I call people a name, I call them the soul-murderers, and that refers specifically to people who are constantly zapping me 24 hours a day to interfere with all of my functioning and my free will.  The government is calling people terrorists for just about anything at all, and it includes people who commit murder-suicides as a result of drug use and withdrawal.)

I'm going to post this because I am, probably, getting attacked and forced to leave.  I feel hungry so I might go out to eat.  I still can't use my refrigerator - the bone marrow poisoning was circulated through the air fans, into the machinery of the fans, so it's back deep inside the refrigerator where the air comes from.  I've had to turn the refrigerator on, and leave the door open, while blowing a fan into it, to try to air out the bone marrow vapors.  Even just a couple of molecules are enough to make me sick whenever they land on foods and drinks - it already happened, and that was when I decided not to even try using the fridge anymore.  Okay - I'm outta here.