I just got home from work a little while ago.
I fixed the problem with the cardboard where I sit at the computer. I'm not reacting to the new stuff, so the hypersomnia will hopefully not happen this week. There is still a mild reaction to a few things, but nothing like it was. My work clothes have something on them that seems like St. John's Wort, but that's probably because it's been three or four weeks since I washed them, since I've spent all my time sleeping and barely surviving.
I was told to look up information about post-traumatic stress disorder because I don't want my friend to go into the military. I assume that, in reality, he will do whatever he wants to do, regardless of what I want or what I tell him. But 'they' still think that I can convince him not to go. I don't even know his reasons why. There is something about jail that is so terrible, he would rather go into the military to avoid it, and I haven't had enough time talking to him to find out what it is. (I still haven't reesarched to find out about this, whether it's possible to go into the military instead of jail, and which types of crimes will let you choose that option.)
I could email him (for free) now, instead of texting, since we're on facebook now, but I hesitate to do that, for several reasons: I get the impression he doesn't want to write or use email, and also, I won't ever know whether he's getting my messages or not. No matter what it looks like on my screen, I could still be deceived: for instance, I wrote something on his wall, but for all I know, it isn't really there. People don't necessarily 'reply' to things that you write on their walls. I don't know how often he uses Facebook or the internet in general, or which email is his preferred one, etc. I don't know how often he checks his mail.
I spoke to him the other day - I told him that I had emailed him. Surprised, he said, "On Facebook?" From his tone of voice, it sounded like he had just been there and had seen nothing. He said, "I'll check it." No matter what I do, I will always wonder whether he's actually getting the message or not, so, like I said, I hesitate to try asking questions in email. I told him, "I had just asked if you heard anything from them yet about the jail thing." He said no, he hadn't.
I'm afraid of two different things: 1. that sooner or later I'll cause a problem, embarrass him in front of his friends, write something that he doesn't want me to write up there, cause a fight with his girlfriend, that kind of thing, or 2. I'll be invisible, with messages not really appearing, and the hackers making it look like the stuff got posted or sent when it really didn't.
June 10th is the day when I requested to drastically change my schedule. There are two weekends left until then. Mopping the floors is something I won't do as much anymore - only a little bit. It's not so bad mopping the floor at Weis. But it's bad at McD. The McD floor is very large and my arms and shoulders hurt badly while I'm doing it, especially because I have to hurry.
Nobody has said anything to me about the requested change, but there's a reason: the guy who makes the schedule is on vacation this week. I didn't know he was about to go on vacation. It is going to be a horrible shock when he comes back and sees my schedule change request. I tried to give them a few weeks of extra time because they will have to hire new people for overnight, but because he went on vacation, that 'extra time' disappeared. He'll come back and find out that he's got only two weeks to find another overnight person. We have some people, but they don't have a good work ethic. This particular store has very bad morale. I've worked at other stores, and people at other places are much harder workers, with better morale. People at my store right now spend a lot of time sitting and doing nothing. This store is the worst one in town, with equipment broken and falling apart, bad morale, people sitting there doing nothing, and all that.
A few months ago my friend had asked for an application to get a second job at McD, and he turned it in but never got called. I would want him to work at a better store if he ever worked at McD, because he will get a terrible impression of them if he starts out working at this store. I'm not joking, I really do like McD the best of any place I've ever worked (any food service type job), and I would want him to like his job. Working with him at the same store would be wonderful, but he would also dislike the job itself if he worked there. I don't want him to work someplace where he is going to be miserable all the time because the job sucks. But I would love to be with him there and spend more time with him. He would have to figure out how to make it work with his other schedule, because he would end up with zero days off in a week, and that kind of thing, working one job and then the other every day. I would talk to him about it and help him figure out what kind of schedule to ask for, because I've done this myself (working two jobs, but still getting days off) and I know it can be done. He can even work a very small number of hours, because the scheduling there is so flexible, if he wants to work only ten hours a week or something (I don't know the minimum number of hours you can work - I forget). But that was a few months ago when he was thinking of working there.
*******
Things that the murderers won't let me do:
1. Clean out the storage unit. I want to go through my contaminated belongings and get rid of things. They argue with me when I try to think about doing it. They don't want me to get rid of that stuff. They want me to keep paying $55 a month for storage. They want me to postpone all the various projects that depend upon having gotten rid of the drug residues. They want the drug residues to linger for many more years or decades if possible, because the drug residues make me become an easily controlled puppet, and they like it if I am easily controlled. There are voices who pretend to be 'helpers,' 'advocates', or 'supporters' in various ways, but so far, none of them really believe that the drug residues are real, and they won't support all of the procedures I need to do to get rid of the contamionation. Eventually the 'supporters' always give up and they stop helping me. The supportive voices are temporary and they are always skeptical - they believe that the drug residues are just an imaginary delusion of mine, and their goal is always to change my psychology to get rid of the delusion or to see some deeper, symbolic meaning in it, instead of taking it literally: the drug residues are nothing but drug residues; they are real, they make me a controllable puppet, and they are ruining my life and my health.
2. Fixing the refrigerator problem - the bone marrow poison vapors. I can't buy grocery food and put it in the fridge, because it gets contaminated with the poisonous vapors that won't come out of the fridge. (I bought a small fridge from Wal-Mart, but it didn't work very well - it wasn't able to keep cold enough, because of the type of refrigeration system it uses, so I have to return it and buy a better one. It stays around 50 degrees or something - it's awful. The food kept spoiling. Its instructions tell you not to use it in a warm environment, and not to put perishable food in it. The photo on the box shows a bunch of non-perishable beverages in bottles, like soda and water, in the fridge, things where it doesn't matter if the temp is high because you can keep bottled water and soda at any temperature you want. It was the cheapest fridge.)
The murderers want me to keep wasting money on fast food, and they want me to continue being unhealthy. They don't want me to be frugal with my money, because money leads to empowerment, and they want me to be helpless forever, without any money. They destroy all money and power. Frugality (spending less money and saving more) is the best way for an ordinary person to gain more money if they aren't working at a high-paying job. The murderers will destroy money anyway even if you DO have a high-paying job - they'll just find more expensive ways to destroy money (forcing a deer to jump in front of someone's car, etc). Not only that, but about food in particular, I want to get on a healthier diet, based on Weston Price and also the Feingold Diet, to prepare for pregnancy, and the murderers don't want me to get pregnant - they want to destroy my life's only opportunity by keeping me unhealthy and contaminated and malnourished for the next couple decades until there is no more chance to have children.
(On a slightly different topic, they are also encouraging me to chase after 'hard-to-reach' people like the guy at work who I love, who has a girlfriend, and he's much younger than I am, and we never see each other, etc, etc, and they want to make me believe or hope for things that are unlikely to happen (or if they did happen, it would probably be a bad idea), such as marrying him and having kids with him. I think he's probably better off with the girlfriend he has now - I assume that they are going to be together for a long time. Anyway, they are making me chase after guys who I can't reach, instead of marrying someone right away - although, I partly agree with the idea of this, because I would like to be with someone who's actually attractive, before I get married to some ugly, boring guy who makes lots of money, or whatever kind of person I will eventually marry. I dread marriage because it's either 1. the ugly boring rich guy who is sexually repulsive and unattractive, but a good financial provider, so that I can stay at home and have kids, which is the plan, or 2. an abusive, emotionally unhealthy person who is somewhat attractive but has lots of problems and is unstable in various ways - that describes my previous relationship with Eric - I could marry someone like him, and have horrible fights all the time, but at least he would be somewhat sexually attractive), or I can think of lots of other scenarios of how the marriage could be awful with different types of people...
...so the idea is that, before I get married, I should at least get to be with someone I find really attractive and exciting, at least for a little while before marrying. So that's the theory behind why they're urging me to go chasing after late teens/early twenties guys who are impossible to reach and who have other girlfriends already.
I already mentioned that I enjoy looking at magazines. There was one called 'Women's Health' where I sometimes found advertisements, pictures, and articles that I enjoyed more than the other magazines (the guys had longer hair and a few days of beard stubble, etc; the images of men and women together looked more natural, comfortable, sensual, happy, and real - the overall spirit of the magazine was more 'human' to me instead of the 'insane robot' images of women in the other magazines). One article talked about (sorry for mentioning this...) 'cougars.' I had never heard the word 'cougar' other than the actual animal, so I learned something new. Cougars, panthers, pumas, etc - older women going after young men. I am 35, so I am in the 'puma' category, based on what I read. My feelings are a combination of sexual, friend, and also nurturing/protective parent feelings. (When I was 23, I was temporarily seeing a 41 year old married man, and then, in my mid-twenties, I was seeing Eric who was something like 11 years older than me, so now I am in the role-reversed position.)
I know I haven't finished everything I was going to say, but I need to sleep.
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