rainbow

I saw a rainbow when I was driving home this morning.  I thought it was a fogbow.  The clouds were very low and the rain was visible in front of the hill, and it looked like fog.  I didn't have my camera.  I haven't uploaded any pictures recently because 1. my cable that connects the camera to the computer is still buried in one of these boxes, and 2. I also need to set up the things that I use to transfer them from the laptop to the PC (or to a PC in the library if I want it to upload faster).  Anyway, no picture.  The clouds were blues and grays against a cloudy gray-white background, with spaces of bright gold sun and clear blue sky behind all the clouds.  When I got out of my car to go inside the house, I looked up and the cumulus clouds were so low I could see the swirling particles of the cloud.

Martin's still been loyally reading my blog and he found a 'rise to greatness' song - thanks Martin.

It's very hard to connect this blog world with the real world, connect it with real people, and admit that I actually believe, and am doing, the strange things that I write about.  It really is true that I hear voices and they've been building a new religion with me; but it would be hard to explain that to anyone, since I also say that the voices are my enemies.  There is this scary feeling, a feeling of denial - when I'm writing, it all feels safe, but when I connect it to the real world and real people, it becomes scary.  I can pretend it's not real, if I'm only writing about it.  When I'm suffering all alone, I get used to it, but then, if I tell it to people who don't know anything about it, I have to see their shock and horror and confusion and all of those things, and it reminds me of just how strange my life is.  So there is still a big wall between the world of my writings, and the world that I live in where I talk to real people.

Another torture incident last night.  Here is what happened.  I went to work with a paper note in my pocket, and, in my mind, an 'order' that I had accepted.  I had said yes, I would do this.  I was going to try to do something.  However, I was anxious and dreading it, and I didn't think I really would do it.  We've been experimenting with 'giving orders' and seeing if that makes me feel like I can get something done, if I see it as a command that comes from an authority outside myself.  I am doing it with trivial things, such as, doing some kind of a chore at home, or an errand or project.  It only works if I agree with the overall spirit or intention behind it.

But instead of giving him the note, I decided to talk to him for a few minutes.  In order to give a note, I have to summon up a whole lot of courage.  Then, after I give the note, I become very embarrassed and awkward for a while.  That embarrassment and shame makes it impossible to have a real conversation with him afterwards.  And having a conversation was important, because I needed to find out what was going on in his life.  I couldn't afford to go up and give him a note and then go hide away from him the rest of the night in my shame.  So I didn't give the note, and instead, I interrogated him about what's going on.

So, he got arrested for drunk driving and underage possession of alcohol.  ('Phebephilia' is the word for being attracted to teenagers in the upper teen range, 15-19 or so.  'Hebephilia' refers to liking all teenagers but it also includes the younger range.  I said they were calling me a pedophile, so I found out what the technical term was.)  He is waiting to hear what they are going to do with him.  The paperwork and everything is still in process.  He will lose his driver's license for a while.  He may go to jail again.

He said he absolutely would not go to jail again if it would be a long time (like, several months).  He said that he would go into the military instead.  I hadn't heard of that before - you can choose to go to the military instead of going to jail?  That upset me even more.  Going into the military is worse than going to jail.  They violate their contracts.  They send people to Iraq and then keep them there longer and longer, and longer, and longer, and you're not allowed to leave if you decide to quit.  You can't quit.  If you quit, you go to jail.  If they violate their contract - and they did this already, with the people in Iraq, they violated their agreement, saying they'd keep them there for six months, and then it went on to a year, and a year and a half, and two years - I had heard that people were supposed to stay only six months and they stayed there longer than two years.  It's like being in jail, except people are shooting at you.  And if you try to leave, YOU GO TO JAIL.  You go to jail no matter what you do.  So now I see him coming home with post-traumatic stress disorder, getting all drugged up on antidepressants - that's the other thing they do to the soldiers, they give them lots and lots of psychiatric drugs.  And if you stop using those drugs, then you go into withdrawal, and you shoot your wife and kids and then kill yourself, which is another thing the soldiers have been doing.  You don't even have to be in withdrawal, it can happen just from using the drug, and being ON the drug.  Those drugs cause murder-suicides.  So he comes back with PTSD, on drugs, or in withdrawal from them, two or three years later than he was supposed to, maybe with some body parts missing, who knows.

People think that you can just go into the military and 'it won't happen to YOU.'  All of that bad stuff won't happen to you.  You'll get to TRAVEL.  Wow, travel!  I'd love to travel and see the world.  You get to travel, see the world, get paid LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY, and do nothing.  You get to sit around and maybe do push-ups or something, big deal.  You learn how to use some other guns that you've never used before, and maybe do some jogging.  You get some USEFUL SKILLS that you'll bring home with you to your new job, like, for instance, how to operate a tank.  How to kill innocent people.  How to obey orders without questioning them.

So he's telling me about this, how he's thinking of going into the military instead of jail.  That was bad enough.  Then he starts getting text messages while he's talking to me.  (I wasn't able to get text messages through to him, except occasionally.  I'd ask him if he got them, and he'd say no.)  So someone's texting him, and I thought nothing of it, and I just kept talking with him.  I had only a few minutes.  If I talked to him too long, I'd get too far behind and I'd end up leaving work late, and then people would want to know why I left late, so I had to hurry and get my tiny little crumbs of time spent with him, since I had hardly seen him at all for the last couple weeks.

So he starts texting back to this person, still talking to me.  Then a few minutes later his girlfriend walks in.  I'm guessing she was texting him to say she'd be there soon or something.  I saw this girl walking towards us, and I vaguely recognized her, but I've only seen her a couple times and I wasn't sure it was her.  I also forgot her name even after being told what it was several times (although finally, last night, I asked him again, and I do remember it).  So I didn't do anything, I just stayed there talking with him while she walked up to us.  As she got closer I realized, yes, that's her for sure, but it was too late.  So he goes up and hugs her right in front of me.  I've just recently told him that I loved him in this letter I wrote and he has responded to it by, at least, continuing to be nice to me.  But I can't get any time with him, not even at work, and not outside work, and this other girl can spend as much time with him as she wants, and she can hug him or do whatever she wants, and I can't even get the courage to tap him on the arm with my fingertips.

So what did I do, I slinked away.  It was obvious that I was 'slinking.'  I didn't walk away with my dignity and my head held high, I slinked away.  This was as obvious as you can get.  Oh no, it's her, I'd better walk away.  I couldn't even pretend to be nice to her, although she's been nice enough to me each time I've seen her.

She left a few minutes later, and he beckoned me to come over and finish talking with him.  So I stayed a few more minutes.  I just wanted to find out what's going to happen to him.  I don't even have a chance to negotiate with him about whether there's anything at all that I can do for him, and what I would be willing to do.

When he left work later, he had a sort of upset look on his face and I didn't know why.  I wondered if she was saying something to him about me.  I just said 'see ya' and waved at him.  I probably won't get to see him again for a few weeks, unless he goes to jail, in which case I won't see him for a few months.  I don't know if I could visit him in jail or not, but that probably wouldn't work very well, since there would already be a bunch of people waiting in line before me.  (He has his current girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend is still connected with him because she has his son, and there's another lady who works with us and she's his friend too - I had a 'slinking away' incident with her, too, once when she came over to talk to him while I was there - and all of his other friends and female friends and family members, and whatever.)

So, I made it through most of the night, but around maybe 2:30 AM or so, I started crying.  I saw 'the hug' being replayed in my mind - it was probably the attackers who were reminding me of it - and I know I wouldn't be anywhere near as jealous if I only had some time with him.  When I say that I believe in polamory, I mean it.  But with polyamory, it means that the other people are actually GETTING some time with the particular person, and not being left out.  Jealousy isn't as bad if you are actually able to have some fair share of time.

If I had more time to interrogate him I would ask him how they met each other, where they knew each other from, if they went to school together or what.  I have no idea how they started dating.  I also need to know how serious the relationship is, whether they're getting married or having kids.  Some of that will influence the decisions I make, like whether I'll obey 'them' whenever they urge me to keep trying, or to write another note, or do some other thing.  Sometimes I feel like 'they' are using me to 'test' whether or not he really loves his girlfriend, like whether he'll be loyal to her while some other person tries to seduce him.  I don't believe in 'testing.'  I don't believe it has any value or any purpose.  It's just wasteful and harmful and destructive.  Then again, it's probably not testing, it's probably just sadism.  They want to put me in a situation where I will suffer, and then hack my phone so that only SOME of my text messages ever get through to him, so that I keep trying, and it's futile.

Yes, I'm in a bad mood.  I haven't slept yet and I just got home from work.

'They' keep reminding me of things that I forgot to write in the order.  I wrote it from memory, so there is a lot of stuff left out.  It's all on paper here.  I'll be adding the things that they reminded me about.

I talked to the store manager about my schedule, and he said the same thing, that they don't have anyone to cover night shift.  He recommended that I talk to the other guy again, the first guy I talked to, the one who does the scheduling.  This is a negotiation, and they haven't realized it yet, but I am going to do something whether they like it or not.  I am not asking permission, I am TELLING them that I am going to change my schedule.  Worst case scenario:  I cut back my availability, while remaining on a late night shift.  Cutting my availability, whether they like it or not, or changing it to another shift, is what I will do sooner or later, but I am trying to talk to them about it, and warn them ahead of time, and gradually get it through their heads that I am serious, I'm not taking no for an answer, and that there is going to be a change in my schedule.  This is the nice thing about having two jobs:  nobody can tell me that I can't do something.  I can do what I want.  They can say 'We'll cut your hours back,' and I'm like, 'Who cares?  I have another job.'  It's true, I don't want my hours cut off completely, but if they cut back a little bit, it isn't a problem.

Anyway I'd better go to bed.  I still have to go to work again today.

There was a big stock market crash the other day.  I didn't even know about it.  I just saw it in the newspaper this morning.  I'll have to talk about that some other time.