rated G for general audiences

I wrote some of this in small letters because it was originally a bunch of quick notes while I was looking at news articles. I added some stuff to it later. This wasn't high-quality writing, it was just me jotting down a bunch of thoughts quickly and then adding more to it later on. And then, when I added the new stuff, I was writing while on caffeine, which means that it ended up being obsessive about my favorite topics (long hair).

saw an article about pesticides causing ADHD. they tell us to wash our vegetables? to get rid of pesticides? the worst sources of pesticides and other chemicals is AGRICULTURE, along with lawnmowing and other yard care, when they spray herbicides all over the entire lawn. also, weedkillers that drive along the streets spraying the entire town. i get sick every time they do that - sick for weeks. when you live next to farms where they're spraying pesticides, the fumes drift over to your house and you breathe huge amounts of them all day long. if you live in an area with lots and lots of farms, you drive your car through these fumes anytime you go anywhere.

i have noticed 'farmer's deformities' or 'farmer's face' or 'that farmer look.' after reading weston price, i understand that farmers DO really have a certain 'look' because of all the poisons that they handle in their jobs - it causes jaw deformities and face and neck deformities. farmers have the adam's apple that sticks out - norman rockwell often painted people with the big adam's apple on their throats - and they have other recognizable facial shapes that 'look like farmers.' (i guess this means, if their mothers were exposed to poisons during pregnancy.) meanwhile, suburban people are probably exposed to the fewest poisons - not as bad as living in a city with lots of auto exhaust and factories, and not as bad as living in an agricultural area with poisonous farms using pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers, and other chemicals. people from suburban, and also non-farming rural areas, are probably overall the healthiest in that way, i'm guessing, as long as their parents had good diets during pregnancy.

if anyone didn't know this, i'm very interested in the weston price observations of jaw and tooth deformities because i have them myself. i have the long, narrow face, the very small jaw which is highly visible from certain angles, the small space inside my mouth where there's no room for all the teeth, and the crooked misplaced teeth that got braces (or got extracted) when i was young.

it's even more interesting later on in the book whenever he talks about a guy who had - i can't remember the name of it now - mongoloid syndrome, down's syndrome, that's it. this guy had some mouth deformities. they decided that because of his mouth deformities, a part of his brain wasn't able to grow full size. so they did special surgery to move the bones on top of his mouth to make more space for the brain to grow, and within a few weeks, he was showing drastic improvement in his maturity and his ability to do things. if the head, jaw, and skull deformities affect how the brain grows, if they prevent parts of the brain from reaching full size, then that would affect everything else that the brain controls. this is extremely important. it means that moral development, for instance, would be hindered. he talks about that, about how in the healthy primitive societies, they had almost no mentally ill people and no criminals. (unless you define 'going to war against other tribes' as murder, which they DID do.) he said the decline of morals in society was real (not just a bunch of old people being nostalgic about the good old days and saying everything used to be better when it wasn't) and it was connected with the head and brain deformities.

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article: processed meats bad for you. they are saying processed meats are the bad ones, and unprocessed meats are not. then they said, 'it's because of the salt.' no, i think it's because oxidized fat and oxidized cholesterol are bad for you. dried, processed meats are oxidized.

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I am having severe, incapacitating hypersomnia (sleeping too much) which seems to be associated with using my computer. St. John's Wort causes hypersomnia and I always had that problem when I was using it. These cardboard boxes and the computer keyboard and the mouse do have traces of St. John's Wort contamination on them. It's been making it impossible for me to get anything done at home besides blog and sleep. I haven't even done the laundry for weeks, and my work uniforms are in terrible shape.

They wanted me to mention the prophecies. He (my 'temporary workplace friend') got a 'how will you die' prophecy. The first time, it said that a soulmate will stab you. The next time, it said car accident. This must be the reason why I was getting voices (months ago) saying prophecies inspired by Harry Potter, which I was still reading at the time. They were saying 'he will save her, and both shall live'. It was based on the 'neither can live while the other survives' prophecy. They were having 'Harry Potter' save his mother figure, and of course, they were pointing out to me that he superficially looks like Harry Potter (brown hair, glasses, teenager, and, coincidentally, a facial scar, but it looks like a cleft lip scar - yes, I have a feeling that this was one of their 'jokes.' i don't think he looks, or acts, like harry potter at all), and I'm supposed to be his mother figure.

They want him to 'save' me, but what this means, I don't know, because you can't just 'save' someone once and for all, as though you only need to do one small rescue and then it's all over and everything is easy afterwards. My problems are ongoing, long-lasting problems, requiring large amounts of money and long-term maintenance. 'Saving' someone from a temporary, short-term danger (like rescuing them from a burning building) versus solving a long-term, chronic problem (never having enough money, dealing with drug residue contamination on everything I own, having chronic fatigue, etc) are two very different things.

So I was supposed to argue about the computer-generated prophecies, supposedly to convince him not to worry about them anymore, and not to believe them, and not to have a false sense of security (I can't die in a car accident yet, because I'm scheduled to die in a car accident in 2015 or whenever). 'They' don't control everything, and accidents are still able to happen by accident, in spite of prophecies. I was saying, 'nature is more powerful than God.' ('God' is only an idea here. It doesn't mean that I believe in God.) Nature can do things that God can't control or prevent. Nature can make random events happen.

It was the murderers who forced the deer to jump in front of his car while giving him a 'feeling that he was about to hit a deer' which made him slow down and put on his seat belt just before they did it. And yes, they control animals as well as people.

Some people might feel safer knowing that the mind control surveillance people are watching over us and controlling the behavior of animals, controlling material objects, and controlling the accidents that happen to us - I had to argue against that idea in the beginning whenever I started being attacked.  But even though they are able to do things like that, they also can't control every single random thing that happens on earth. They are focused on specific people and things in specific places, while other areas don't get as much attention from them, so it's possible for them to let some accident happen while they weren't controlling something, and it's also possible for them to make mistakes and have things backfire while they're attempting to control events.

They are NOT all-powerful and cannot protect everybody against every random thing. If they were, the world would be a much happier place. But instead, we still have wars and diseases and other things that tell us that 'they' are failing to control everything that happens. The fact that a TI ('targeted individual', what the electronic harassment victims call themselves on the net) suffers and is miserable while being attacked is a sign that they are failing to do what they want to do with that person. If they could control everything perfectly, they would be happy, nice, kind, generous people, able to make themselves and others happy, but instead, they torture people and cause pain and suffering and misery. Happy people are nice to other people. Their cruelty is a sign that they themselves are unable to control things that they want to control. The wars tell us that there are powerful competitors out there fighting against each other, and all of them are being injured. It isn't all just 'one God'. It's a bunch of controllers and murderers fighting each other, and they are able to hurt each other and hurt innocent people, and they can't prevent everything that their attackers do to them.

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I have had a few cups of coffee recently. The severe hypersomnia has completely stopped all my activities for the last few weeks. I am barely managing to get up and go to work, and when I'm at home, I don't do ANYTHING productive at all. I am so exhausted that I can't even do the things necessary to troubleshoot whatever is causing the hypersomnia.

I sleep hours and hours. The murderers wake me up, then I lie back down and try to sleep again. I do this over and over all day and all night long.

I keep thinking of things I wanted to write in the blog, then forgetting them. Much of it is things 'they' want me to talk about.

I have mostly quit coffee, and chocolate too. I wanted to quit those, because I am preparing for pregnancy, believe it or not, even though it doesn't seem like I am, and I want to stop using all drugs while pregnant. I also want optimal nutrition while pregnant, and coffee interferes with nutrition somewhat. I have had only a few cups of coffee over the past couple months during this time that I've been quitting. In the last couple days, I've had several cups now.

I've been hearing voices mentioning Sara S. from West Virginia, one of the friends I have on Facebook and MySpace. I don't know why the voices are mentioning her. They have mentioned her name to me quite a few times in the last couple days.

I have been so severely ADD the last couple weeks that I can't even think of what projects I need to get done.

Another thing causing me some problems is Tide laundry detergent. I used to use 'All,' or whatever the name is, and I was using the mildest one without any perfumes. I'm not allergic to perfumes, I just don't like them, and whenever 'they' controlled me in 2008 and started changing my grooming habits to make them more extreme in the direction I was already going (no shaving, etc), they had me switch over to perfume-less detergents. So I was using unscented All during this time.

But I recently bought Tide and tried using it. I knew from past experience that Tide causes my entire body to burn like it's on fire, or at least, that's what I remembered from the past when I had tried it. So Tide was on my list of laundry detergents never to use. However, it was strong in terms of cleaning power. The idea was to test and see whether Tide was strong enough to remove drug residues in addition to cleaning off visible dirt. 'All' (I have to put it in quotes, because it's a commonly used word) leaves the visible stains on my work uniforms, but Tide cleans out the visible dirt better than All does. Last time I did the laundry, I forgot (or didn't have time, or didn't feel like it, or I ran out of quarters) to re-wash the load of laundry without detergent, a second time. You have to do that with Tide, wash it out a second time to get rid of the remaining detergent.

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'They' were making fun today after I went to Barnes & Noble. They were saying, 'Hey, you with the dreadlocks!' They were pointing out that if anybody had tried to meet me at B&N, anybody who had never spoken to me before, they wouldn't know how to approach me, and they might think of calling out to me something like 'you with the dreadlocks.' I had mentioned a few times, in the blog and in the advertisement on Craigslist a few months ago, that if people weren't able to reach me by email (due to the hackers deleting everything and interfering) they could meet me at B&N. I still go there every week at the same time, Tues 7-8 PM (at least that long, but usually longer). The idea was that I would be in a public, well-lit place full of people and things to do. If someone was trying to reach me they could find me there and talk to me or give me notes written on paper. It was intended to connect with fellow sufferers, interested people who wanted to ask questions or talk, or anybody else who was trying and failing to reach my email and telephone. And in case they felt uncomfortable, they could just walk around and look at books, because there's always something to look at, something for everybody there, so nobody would be bored. It wouldn't be like, for instance, trying to meet me in a restaurant, where you have to pretend you're eating, when actually you went there to meet a stranger, and then, you'd have nothing to do while you were making up your mind and getting the courage to talk to the stranger. You can go to B&N and not spend any money, just look around.

'Hey you with the dreadlocks' also refers to somebody I saw at Sheets the other day. I saw a black guy with hip-length dreadlocks. I liked them, but I was frustrated because, as usual, he didn't have a beard, except just a little bit of a short beard. Why is it that they can question ONE of the rules, but fail to question the REST of the rules? I want to see people who are growing every single hair, no exceptions, on principle, equally, instead of growing some of the hair short and some of it long.

I picked up a book about Woodstock, the music festival, today at B&N. I noticed that most of the hippies didn't have long hair. They had medium-short and medium-long hair, both men and women. They weren't fully committed to decades and decades of long hair growth. It was only a short-term fad, a mainstream fad that everybody was doing because it was cool to be a hippie, and then a few years later, it was uncool, so everybody cut their hair. They weren't really serious about it. It wasn't a religion.

Curly hair was allowed back then.  Nowadays, hair must be absolutely straight without the slightest waviness or curl.  Even a slightly bent wave or ripple is forbidden - it must be perfectly, flawlessly straight.  People are ironing their hair and doing other terrible things to it to make it perfectly straight without the slightest wave.  You could still see naturally curly, wavy, or stringy hair on the hippies.

Women still had plucked, arched eyebrows back then - Ayn Rand herself complained about plucked eyebrows in the 1950s - but in the 1960s, MEN didn't shave their nosebridge eyebrows the way they do now. Nowadays, nosebridge brows are forbidden, and men shave between their eyebrows to prevent having any hairs there at all. Back then in the 1960s you could still see connected eyebrows on men. They also had hairy chests. Nowadays men are shaving their chest and belly hair, and also their armpits and pubic hair. Hairy chests get made fun of. So that was different back then.

About my blog, the voices are quoting from Harry Potter, saying 'oh please.' Let me explain where this came from (and why it's Harry Potter again). I have only a few videos on tape and DVD (and I don't have my tapes right now, only my DVDs, because the tapes are in storage). The only things I bought (on DVD, that is) were The Matrix and Harry Potter, and I got all of both of those series. So whenever I want to watch something, I throw one of those DVDs in, and I have them all memorized. I'm just watching the same DVDs over and over. (Watching HP over and over again is part of what made the voices decide to call me a pedophile. I love children's movies and children's stories more than adult stories, and I enjoy watching images of children and teenagers, probably more than I enjoy watching adults. For whatever reason, I don't think that Daniel Radcliffe, or whatever HP's actor's name is, is attractive. I don't know why. But still I love to watch the movies. It drives me crazy to see the difference between Old Hermione and New Hermione. New Hermione has overplucked eyebrows, and there's almost nothing left. Old Hermione has unplucked, whole, natural, thick eyebrows that go partway across her nosebridge - those are GOOD, and overplucked eyebrows are BAD. I get angry every time I see this. Oh, that reminds me, I was going to look up - what's her name? Dakota Fanning? because I was looking in magazines and I decided she's pretty and she also has nice eyebrows that looked like they haven't been completely destroyed - whatever plucking they've done, they haven't removed a lot of hair, and so her eyebrows still look pretty thick. I was going to google her and find some images.  Yes, here's one.  She still has hair underneath the outer edges of her eyebrows.  It is required that all of the hairs underneath be plucked out, and she hasn't done that yet.  http://thetwilightfansite.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/dakota_fanning.jpg)

I forgot where I was going with that. It was 'oh please.' They got that from Luna Lovegood handing out copies of The Quibbler on the train in the Half-Blood Prince. Luna Lovegood represents me - long hair, eccentric ideas, strange explanations for things, not having many friends ('I sleepwalk, you see. That's why I wear shoes to bed.' Somebody is stealing all of her shoes and she says, 'I suspect Nargles are behind it.' That's like me saying that 'the hackers' and 'the murderers' are doing things to me. In 'The Subtle Knife,' which I just now started reading, the mother in the beginning calls them 'The Enemies.' Also, something about Luna Lovegood's mother: she died because of an experiment she was doing. That's like me, where I have had these terrible accidents that left me stuck with drug residues, because I tried to do something with growing medicinal herbs a few years ago.) Anyway, Ginny Weasley politely says 'oh please' and takes a Quibbler from Luna. She wasn't making fun of Luna behind her back. Ginny is one of the people who are being nice to Luna and treating her with kindness and respect, and they've fought the Death Eaters together. Whenever the voices say 'oh please' it's referring to that, because some people read my blog with the same attitude of friendship, kindness, respect, and curiosity that Ginny had.

And there was something else I was supposed to mention, but I forget what it was.

They keep telling me that it bothers Martin to see me writing directly to my friend in my blog. I don't know whether this is true or not. I am not doing it deliberately. They also keep saying, 'What if Martin came back?' I can't even get Martin on Facebook - I tried, and then I got blocked, and the only way that I can see him anymore is by using a fake name on another facebook account that I set up for that purpose, and I don't even try sending him emails using that name, because 'he' (or else, the person who wrote fake letters to me, and I don't know if it was really him, and haven't been able to talk to him at all to troubleshoot anything about letter-writing) wrote me an email saying that if I wrote to him using any other name, he would ignore it.

If Martin came back, he would be able to talk to me eventually, if he decided that he wanted to, or if 'they' allowed or forced him to do it, and if he either wrote me a note on paper, or got a friend to talk to me, or if he was able to call out my name before I ran away in terror to hide from him, which is what I did the first time I saw him recently. (I saw him a couple days ago too, but he was far away.) And I don't even know if he's graduating or not, and I don't know anything about what he's doing, but I assume that he will be living someplace else, not nearby. Anyway, I would still have to be friends with my other friend (but we're not even doing anything, barely even spend any time together, and we don't see each other away from work) and also with Martin, and, I don't even know how to answer the question 'what if he came back' because I'm not even sure what they're asking about. If he wanted to talk to me someplace, then I would, or spend time with him as a friend ('friend' is one of the controversial words that was being used in the very small number of letters we were able to give to each other, and he had said he only wanted to be friends, since the murderers forced me to write him a bunch of emails containing sexual topics whenever we barely even knew each other, and they forced me to also write him an email where I said that I wouldn't marry him, because the voices were telling me that he and I were supposed to get married - again, everything I wrote and everything I did was bullshit because 'they' were making me do it, and they did it very soon, in the very beginning of the relationship, to destroy trust immediately).

That was one of the things I had wanted to write about. I read some article where they did a 'scientific study' to test something that we intuitively already know about. They tested some people playing games against a computer that was in another room. They told people it was a real person, not a computer playing against them. If the computer betrayed their trust early on in the game, then they never trusted the computer again. But if the computer was trustworthy throughout most of the game, and then betrayed them once near the end, they tended to forgive the computer and they continued trusting it. It was showing that relationships are most vulnerable in the beginning, but you tend to forgive people if you've known them a long time and then they do something bad to you, and you remember that most of the time, they were okay and they were trustworthy. That's how they totally destroyed my attempt to make friends with Martin - they attacked the relationship immediately, in the very beginning, forcing me to do and say fake things to him so that he would never be able to speak to me or trust me again. But with the friend I have now, the person who showed up right after Martin left, they didn't mess up the friendship in the beginning, and they allowed us to get comfortable with each other slowly, over months and months, and I have hurt him a few times but he would still remember that overall, I was mostly nice to him, from the beginning. The bad things that have happened have strained the relationship without destroying it completely.

This is a coffee blog - when I drink coffee, I write for a very long time without stopping. I think I should just post this and then write a separate blog later if I think of more things.

Oh, I just thought of another thing. Two things. I will soon get together the pieces connected to my digital camera, the things I need to upload the photos - I need to find the cable that connects it to my laptop, and I should find the zip drive that I use to transfer the pictures to my PC (although I could also take them to the library, now that I know how to use the library computers, and I don't know if they have a zip drive - that would make it faster, since my home computer is on dialup). They are in these boxes in my room.

Also, I put in a request to change my schedule. That should be taking effect in a few weeks. I gave them extra time because it's a big change. I am trying to get off night shift.

Also - yes, they reminded me, I was going to talk about my dreadlocks. I needed to take some pictures of them. They are a year and a half old. I stopped using shampoo in about January 2009, which caused my hair to gradually mat together. The ends are still loose. The locked, matted part is only near the scalp, and those mats are gradually growing longer and longer. According to the theory, it will make my hair grow longer, because the disconnected hairs remain matted together instead of falling off. And indeed it is true, since I started growing dreadlocks, I NEVER have any loose hairs in the drain after taking a shower anymore. I used to have wads of loose hair catching in my hair catcher in the drain, lots and lots of hair. Now there's nothing at all. It is indeed remaining connected to the mats.

The loose ends: The first six inches or so of my hair, from the scalp, are dreadlocked. Everything below that is still mostly loose. However, it's gotten tangled together in a few places down the hair, but the tangles are mild and temporary and I could easily comb them out if I were patient (and if I used shampoo and conditioner on them, it would be even easier - it's actually hard to comb through the bits of sticky grease and lint that are causing the tangles). Everything below the first six inches is 'pseudo-locks' instead of real mats. They are mostly loops. Loops happen whenever one part of the hair remains taut, while the piece next to it slides upward, forming a loop that sticks out to the side, and then it tangles together with the taut piece. There is actually a type of decorative lacey string made this way, something you can find in fabric and craft shops, made that way deliberately, with one part of the string taut and the other part of the string beside it with loops sticking out. Those are not real dreadlocks.

The locks smell like mildew, and they stay wet for a very long time after I get out of the shower. It smells just like if you walk in the rain, get your clothes all wet, and then leave the wet clothes in a pile on the floor for a couple days. My hair used to dry quickly, within a few minutes. Now it is wet for hours and hours. It's getting thicker and thicker where the locks are. The ends of the hair, on the other hand, are getting thinner, because the loops have pulled upwards some of the hair, leaving less of it hanging down. It's hard to explain, but the loops have caused the hair to become shorter. If I combed out the loops, it would be long again.

The locks are few and far between. I have very thin hair. I have seen other people's dreadlocks and they are usually much thicker than mine. I actually don't really like the way mine look, but I am committed to doing this experiment to see whether it causes my hair to grow longer. The principle is that you grow whatever you have, even if you end up not really liking the way it looks. For instance, I require bald men to grow whatever hair they have remaining, even though it won't ever be as long or as thick as the hair of somebody who hasn't gone bald. It's better to have some hair instead of shaving it all off when you go bald. This is the exact opposite of what the mainstream is teaching nowadays. The mainstream tells people that being partially bald is SO HORRIBLE that the best solution is to shave your head completely. I can't stand this.

The thinning is worst on my right side, near the temple. In my early twenties, I noticed male pattern baldness on my temples - the temples started receding. The left side receded only a little bit, but the right side receded more, and it also got very thin on that side of the head behind the temple area. There are only a couple locks with big spaces between them on the right side. I have some theories about what's wrong with the right side of my head - that's the side of my head where I had the mercury-silver dental filling, for instance, and I also used to part my hair on the left and brush it over to the right, so I might possibly have been putting barrettes or something which pulled and strained the hair on only the right side, and I might possibly have used more hairspray on that side when I used to style my hair.

Okay, I think that's all.

Oh, I thought of another thing. I was amused by something I saw in a magazine at B&N. There was some magazine with a brief advertisement mentioning a book called 'Awkward Family Photos.' This has nothing to do with anybody in particular and it wasn't meant to make fun of anybody, but the voices were afraid that people would be offended by it, so I thought I'd mention it wasn't anything to do with them. Anyway, they showed a couple photos that I thought were quite funny. One of them was mom and dad kissing a little baby, with one parent on each side kissing her cheek. The baby's expression was a look of fear and disgust, like 'Oh, my god, what are you doing to me?' Another photo had three kids, a boy and two girls. The older girl has a smug, bossy look on her face, like she just insulted somebody. The boy looks disgusted and annoyed and is pulling away from his sister a bit, like 'I don't belong to this family.' The little girl is kind of smiling, but it's more like a snarl, showing her teeth mischievously. Every one of those people has a character and mood, like something just happened. They're not just boring, fake faces that we make for the camera. I like those kinds of pictures. It reminds me of a moment that I captured in one of my Flickr photos with a line of children waiting for the water fountain. You can see that a couple of the kids are in a position, doing something, unaware of the camera, and it looks like they're having an argument or something. I like people doing candid, natural expressions instead of 'Yay! We're posing for a photo!' expressions. So I was curious to see that book, but I'm not willing to spend money to buy it.

Now that I'm talking about this, I've noticed that people have a certain blank expression whenever they take a photo of themselves.  It's hard to have a facial expression whenever you're all alone and nothing is going on.  When I've taken photos of myself, I have that same expression too.  Sometimes, in some of my photos, you can see the 'permagrin' caused by drugs, for instance, in some of the photos where I began taking pictures of my dreadlocks outdoors at the duckpond apartment, I have a permanent smirk on my face.  That is a drug smirk.  It's a permanent smile that won't go away until the drugs wear off.   It's in the one where I complained that I had a bit of towel lint stuck in my hair that showed up in the photo.  I think I will go look at those again.

Okay, I think that's all now.