Don't know if my battery will last to write this. I looked at Carrie's facebook page and saw all the happy birthdays. So many people. I changed my mental image of our situation. Suddenly it feels like I have to compete against a huge crowd just to get in the door at all. My tiny money gift to Curtis is nothing. I plan to give more over time, to show a long term commitment, but still, even that feels like nothing. My tiny show of goodwill and support, of accepting his family, of accepting that he loves another woman, that he needs material help - it feels like not enough. (why can't my spell check figure out that "enouh" is the word "enough?")
She was grateful in the letter and thanked me several times. A drastically different tone than the first couple of letters (at first it was a "get over him, he's mine, go find a mature guy, you need to shave your mustache and take care of yourself" kind of tone). Now she seems to believe that I really do have intense, strong feelings for him, real and legitimate feelings, after several emails back and forth, and my money offer. I told her in the email that I'd help with his child support bill. She thanked me.
I see it this way: I am an untrustworthy intruder who wants to fuck your (bisexual) husband, and will do it if you leave us alone together, if he lets me, if we're comfortable and I'm ready for it. How could she even consider calling me a friend? Even if I warn her ahead of time, it will hurt her badly if she sees it happening. I can be open and tell her why I'm there, what I want, but she might be in denial that a nice, honest person like me would actually do it for real. I have to tell her about Peter and Tammy, because I have a history of fucking people's husbands for real.
I'm not rich enough to really help them enough to make it worthwhile. If I gave them a thousand dollars a month or something she might say okay, do what you want with my husband. But it's a tiny amount I can give, and I'm planning to give it directly to him. There's not much left to give to her.
I had offered to help him with money, in a real conversation one day. I looked deeply into his eyes and said, I'm not joking. I emphasized it. He said, I can't take your money, that's YOUR money. I threw my head back and laughed out loud. What else is my money for, but you? Why would I want money for anything else? Nothing is more important than giving my money to you. I didn't say those things but I was thinking them.
Why else would I want to be rich, but to buy what I want? If my money convinces you to stay connected with me and be part of my life, to let me see your beautiful face once a week and not lose you, what else do I want money for? Even if there's no sex, even just to be close to you and hear your voice, even just to look in your eyes while my heart aches and I want to touch you, even if that's all I get, you are still part of my life and that's what I want.
When good fortune comes to me, if it does, If I improve my life, then I'm bonded with them and some of my fortune will go to them. There is a possibility of future benefits even if I'm poor right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment