Not long now

I'm getting the feeling when I read his and carrie's facebook pages that I don't care anymore, at least that's how I feel tonight. I see his face and I don't start crying. I have a bunch of photos of him. I can usually look at them and start crying. Tonight I saw his pictures on his facebook page and I felt a numbness. It's still a sad numbness. Distant. Carrie made him befriend me on facebook as a gesture, I'm sure - it wasn't his own idea. He is doing it to be nice to her, not me. She's dealing with her sister who feels rejected because she's giving Curtis more priority than the sister. She is tired of being nice to me and everyone, an enneagram nine peacemaker for sure. I am certain she's a nine. Curtis is probably a three. She's handed me over to him so she can focus on her sister. I am a total stranger with delusions of myself actually mattering to Curtis., of actually playing an important role in his life, of being useful to him. They are forcing him to say things to make it sound like he reads my facebook page when in fact he doesn't. He doesn't want me to participate. He doesn't see any use in being nice to me, except if it pleases Carrie. Carrie made him befriend me as a gesture, but it's an empty gesture. Friends in the real world is what I've been asking for. Maybe then I will block him instead.. He won't care. Ha ha. Enneagram threes disintegrate to nine under stress. That means he gives up and stops trying and says everything is hopeless, and he will do nothing at all, even when hope still exists and he has a real chance of success if he does something differently than what he's doing. He gave up all hope. He won't listen to me offering him money. And an email claiming to be from him, saying "no one is hacking my email," still can't prove to me that no one is hacking his email... But with he way I feel tonight, numb, I might not even care if his email is hacked. I gave him lots of chances to write back. He got paper notes. He got my physical address. He can do those things if his emails can't get through. I wasn't able to work in drive thru tonight and didn't even have a chance to see Kayla or email her. I was so busy I couldn't even pick up my iPod once tonight. I had thought of emailing Kayla and talking a little more to her.

Curtis is hopeless right now, but if I give the money to Kayla, it will stir things up, not necessarily in a good way. His mood says, "just leave me alone and let me die, there is no hope." it would stir things up, but it would probably be a stressful conflict instead of a productive one. And Carrie is the only person in the world who exists for him right now. I don't exist - as much as the puppeteers will put words in his mouth to make it seem like he reads my page when he doesn't. Leave me alone and let me die, he says, not in so many words but in his actions. He can't even see me or know I exist. He doesn't see me as a source of hope. He doesn't trust me to really keep giving money for a long time. My parents helped me but I still always wanted to rely on myself to earn money. It was self reliance that gave me hope. The money kept me alive and kept me from having extremely stressful experiences like being evicted and having no place to live, and that kind of thing. Realistically, I could reduce the stress between him and Kayla, but not do much more than that. They just want me to keep him out of the military. He doesn't listen to anything I say, he doesn't read it, he doesn't understand. He doesn't know I exist.

If I can let him die and not care that he dies, then I will be able to ignore him and do nothing as he enlists in the military. His one hope is actually a lie, a trap, a trick, the most evil false hope that ever existed. If I don't see him in person then it will be easier to forget that he has a real physical body that will die. I'm already forgetting his physical body, how it felt to be close to him.