secret messages

Here are some of the things that I had to get away from, things I was seeing on facebook. I started to see 'hidden meanings' directed at me. I had just emailed him telling him about how Eric, my ex-boyfriend, works at Giant. (Or at least, he did, the last time I spoke with him. We haven't even emailed in a very long time.) I said that Eric was the first guy I had sex with. Technically, that's not *quite* true. I tried to have sex with Terry, but we didn't really do much, because it was uncomfortable and we stopped. So it was when I was living with Eric that I really had sex for the first time and was having sex frequently, every day.

So after I sent that email, there was a status from Curtis that said he had been out partying all night and they just got back at 6:00 AM. I had mentioned that Eric usually finishes work and leaves at 6 AM. So when I read that, it was either me myself, or the voices - I don't know whose idea it was - the idea that he was saying he was out till 6 AM because he wanted to be like Eric, the first person I had sex with.

That was something in the text messages too - he asked me if I was a virgin. I said, 'You don't read my blog,' and he said he didn't spend much time on the internet. If he read my blog, he'd know I'm not a virgin. I'm not a virgin, but I've only had sex with a couple of people. Eric, mostly, and I've only had sex with Peter a few times, because it's always difficult with him. So anyway, the secret message was 'I want to be Eric,' the first person I had sex with when I was still a semi-virgin. Those ideas get into my head, and I remember them, and I start believing them. So that was the kind of thing that I had to stop seeing on facebook.

I *am* still a virgin - I am a virgin to childbirth. That is actually very important. If you've never had children, then your vagina is probably not as stretched out as someone who has had children. It's not the same as being a virgin, but still. I haven't been writing this, but it's true that I fantasize about having his baby. It's something 'they' have been asking me - whose baby do I want to have first.

Anyway, I had to stop seeing 'secret messages' directed at me in his status updates.