Hey, it's my birthday! I forgot.

This post has nothing to do with my birthday. I just noticed that the date said September 21 as I was about to post this. This is about the anti-stalking rules.

7:59 AM 9/21/10

Today I wrote to Carrie and told her that Curtis should block me on facebook and make his profile private, because that's the only page that I know about where I can read what's going on in his life. I've been getting upset about things, like when he and Carrie break up with each other, or when they're fighting, or when he says he's joining the Marines because he can't get a job (he said the Marines rejected him because of his tattoos, but I'm guessing he'll go try and get into the army or some other branch of the military that would accept him).

I told Carrie that I don't believe in the military *at all* and that even though most people think that it's safe, and honorable, and a good way to earn money, and all those things, I don't believe any of that. All of that is a lie. All of it is propaganda. Bullshit. Signing up for the army is suicide. I told her that when he said he was going to try to join the Marines, I see that as if he held a gun to his own head. It's a suicide threat. He doesn't see it that way - he sees it as his only hope for a better future. But I don't believe it leads to a better future. It leads to post-traumatic stress syndrome. And they give you 'skills' that you'll never use in a real job ever again after the military.

I don't think Curtis, or Carrie, understands my feelings about him or why I'm still trying to contact him. I really do love him, for real, myself, and I really am attracted to him. But it was 'the voices' that forced me to actually *try* to talk to him on the phone, text, and email, and try to be friends with him in real life. I wouldn't have even tried. And it's the voices that keep reminding me about him, over and over. It's true, I cry when I go to work and see that he's not there, and I cry when I remember things we said to each other or things we did. I cry because he isn't there. But that would gradually fade away and I would get over it, after weeks or months. The voices won't let me forget, though, and they keep pushing and pushing and pushing for me to keep trying to contact him even though he doesn't want me to.

He sent me an email saying he doesn't need my help. I've been offering to help him with money, and I explained that I'm, basically, paying him to be my friend and to let me see him. I don't know how he's going to respond to that. I'm guessing he probably isn't able to do anything unconventional. If it's off the beaten path, he can't do it. It's too strange for him to imagine getting paid just to let me spend time talking with him once a week, because other people don't do that. Nobody else is doing it, so he can't do it either. That's how everybody is. They won't even consider doing something that other people don't do. He would rather go into the military - he would rather commit suicide - he would rather *die* - than take money from me by doing something that other people don't usually do. And he doesn't see it that way. I'm just some weird person babbling nonsense that he can't understand, while he thinks that the military is a nice, good thing that everybody approves of.