I am a grief survivor

I'm thinking of that because I just recently read someone else's blog about losing a loved one. I am a grief survivor too. I'm going through all the same things, such as not caring about my job and feeling meaningless and pointless like nothing matters there anymore.

I wonder how it would have been if the murderers hadn't tried forcing me to try to actually have a relationship with him. If I had only talked to him at work, if I had never been forced to steal his cell phone number off the wall in the backroom to try texting him and getting ignored for months - actually a lot of times he didn't ignore me, he just wrote "who is this?" every time I texted him because he never kept my number in his address book. It was a new cell phone that I used for texting because my old one couldn't, and it wasn't one of the two numbers that I gave him.

I should never have been forced to try going after him. Never. I knew from the beginning exactly what would happen. But I am wondering, would I still hurt as badly, would I still be grieving as badly, if I hadn't tried, and then if he left like this without warning, and if I wasn't looking at him on facebook - would it still hurt as badly? If the murderers weren't forcing me to obsess about him, would I still be missing him as badly?

I know that I would feel the loss at work. Every day that I show up and he's not there, it's an empty, hopeless day. All of the faces I see aren't him, and I have to pretend to be nice to those faces, even though I don't care about them. They want me to laugh and smile, and all I can think is, "you aren't him."