what happened with curtis the last few days

1:26 PM 9/25/10

(By the way, I'm at home on a Saturday, because when I walked into Weis, this morning, 25 minutes late without giving them a phone call, Sam saw me and she asked me right away if I wanted to go home. I was walking around with my shoulders hunched and my head down looking like I was going to be crying all morning long.)

So, something happened with Curtis. Curtis has been threatening to go into the army. First it was the Marines, but he said they wouldn't take him because of his tattoos. So then he was trying to get into the army.

Of course, since he started saying that, I have been a 'basket case,' or a double or triple basket case. I have been panicking and frantic for days, sending him emails, trying to change his mind, not knowing whether he receives my emails or not. I've been offering money to him, and sent another email to his ex-girlfriend Kayla offering money to her too. I take 'going to the army' as a suicide threat, so I was frantic to stop him before it happened.

In addition to that, I'm still having some drug residue outbreaks, and I've been working 72 hours a week and I can't clean anything up. So I go around all day with tachycardia, and things like that - I felt it, and I actually went over to the blood pressure tester thing, at the pharmacy at Weis, and verified that my heart rate was 105 while I was at work. So I can't control the things that I do, the things that I say, and the things that I feel - I have even less control than usual.

All day yesterday I was freaking out, sending him emails, and he probably hasn't even read the emails yet, because he doesn't check his email very often, and he doesn't get on the internet every day. I'm guessing he hasn't read a single one of all the emails I sent him yesterday, merely because he doesn't get online very often. I was desperately beggging him not to join the army.

I found out about this because of his facebook page. Carrie made him make a friend request, just to be nice to me. I know it wasn't his idea. He did it to please Carrie, because Carrie is the center of the universe. He didn't do it to be nice to Nicole. Nicole doesn't matter, and being nice to Nicole doesn't matter, and there's nothing to gain by being nice to Nicole, because Nicole doesn't exist, and her knowledge and her beliefs and her money and everything else about her is worthless and useless and not worth bothering with and there's nothing to gain by being friends with her. The end. So Carrie told him to do it, and he did it for Carrie, NOT for me.

Anyway, I've continued reading his page, which I was doing all along anyway, before the friend request. (The 'friend request' is also known as 'the empty gesture.') He started talking about joining the army, and I've been frantic ever since. And Carrie said he only has to do a few things before the army will take him, but she didn't say what.

He has a mainstream belief system. And I am *not* an important source of approval to him. He doesn't care what I think, he doesn't value what I think, he doesn't care whether I approve of him or not. So I can write him a hundred emails telling him that the army is suicide and he must never, ever go there, and it makes no difference, because my beliefs don't matter to him. Only Carrie, and his family, and his *other* friends, all of those mainstream people - only *their* opinions matter to him. And they all say the army is wonderful. And the government is our friend.

At the end of the day yesterday, after getting slammed at McDonald's all evening long, after 'getting our asses handed to us' for hours and hours, I finally had a five minute period without any orders and I was able to go online and check facebook. Carrie sent me a message saying, good news, Curtis got a job, and I won't tell you where it is unless you want me to tell you.

I sent a reply immediately saying *DON'T* tell me where he's working. I MUST NOT see him in person, because I will have an extremely strong reaction to seeing him. The voices were being sympathetic about this, to me, later on, saying that it's 'my program' that makes me suppress feelings, block feelings. The more intense the feelings are, the more I block them, because I'm programmed that way. If I saw him in person, I would want to grab him and tear him to pieces and beat the shit out of him and not let go of him. I would want to scream and cry and shout at him. I would want to kiss him, hug him, make love with him (and 'make love' isn't the word that I would use), talk to him, spend hours and hours with him. I would have a strong, violent reaction if I saw him. So I told her *not* to tell me where he's working now. It's best if I don't go see him where he works. I could go see him someplace, but probably not at his workplace.

And I know myself - I would block the urges to do all those things, and you wouldn't see much on the surface. I would talk to him in a normal way, but I might start crying - crying is likely to happen. I can't control crying.

So after days and days of thinking he's committing suicide and going into the army and going to hell and destroying his whole life, all of a sudden she tells me he got a job. I assume she means a normal job, and not the army. I told her I thought the army was suicide.

I responded by telling her 'block me.' And I sent the message to Curtis, too - 'block me.' And to Kayla - 'block me.' I don't want to see this anymore. Block me, block my other fake nicknames, make your pages private. Facebook is only place where I can see anything at all that's going on in his life. He doesn't have a lot of other web pages, and he doesn't write blogs, none that I know of anyway. If he did, I don't know where they are. Facebook is the only thing I see. So they can block facebook and I will be completely blocked out of his life. I'd give Carrie my email address, but emailing isn't the same as facebook - we can use ordinary email and I don't have to see her facebook page. I will work on this on Monday or Tuesday when I'm off, convincing Carrie to block me from facebook. It's not the same as cutting me off completely. She acts like an enneagram Nine. She wants to be nice to everybody, even the crazy, delusional, mentally unstable, threatening stalker who wants to fuck her husband.

I can't make him change his mind. If he threatened 'suicide' (the army) in the past, he'll do it again in the future. He's already done it twice. His belief system will always be different from mine, because all of his friends, family, and fiance are mainstreamers.

Not only that, but I will always be reminded: Carrie is the center of the universe. He doesn't answer emails. He won't call me. He doesn't send snail mail to the address I gave him. He never acknowledged anything I wrote in the paper notes that I gave to him by hand, in person.

Even THE VOICES were showing me that Carrie is the center of the universe, when he first started dating her. They said, 'Her? Her? Her?' and showed him turning his head to look for her. It was one of those bizarre image/voice hallucinations that they give me. Is that her? Is that her? Is that her? Looking and looking in the crowd to find Carrie. Carrie is all that matters. No one else matters.

He doesn't even think my *friendship* matters. He has no time for me at all.

So I am telling them to block me. It will hurt forever - I know this because I saw Josiah and Anna in the drive-thru at McD a few weeks ago, and I almost burst into tears at the sight of Josiah. I loved Joe. I loved him a lot. I haven't seen him in years. I trained him at McDonald's. I'm the one who taught him everything he knows. Well, I'm not the ONLY one who trained him, but I'm one of the people who did. I'm telling Curtis and Carrie to block me, and I know it will always hurt me when I see Curtis in the future, and that will last forever. I will never forget him completely. I will think about other things, I will meet other people, but I will never completely forget him.

I am asking them to block me from seeing him now, because it hurts too much to see the things he's doing and saying, and because the voices are lying to me about him, insisting that he really does read the things I write, that he really does care what I think, that he saw or overheard the 'spot of tea' conversation - I KNOW he *DID NOT*, but the voices keep insisting and insisting and insisting he did, and I can't make them shut the fuck up about it. *HE* *DID* ****NOT**** overhear that conversation. HE IS A PUPPET. They are FORCING him to talk about a 'spot of tea' on his facebook page. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH *ME*. He is being forced. The end. I don't want to see this false belief ever again. I am sick and tired of this false belief. CURTIS *DID NOT* OVERHEAR THAT CONVERSATION. And I *know* there will be *more* incidents in the future of them forcing Curtis to talk about things that I've been doing or saying, when in fact he knows nothing about it at all, and he's only a puppet. That is another reason I have to block him. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, to tell him about me and my voices, about the delusional ideas they give me, about the lies that they tell me. He never thought it was *important* enough to try to straighten out all the lies they told me. The voices will always try to convince me that I'm important to him, that he cares about me, that he sees what I'm doing, that he's paying attention to me, that he knows I exist, that he cares. That is why I have to block him, because that is not true. Carrie is the center of the universe. I, Nicole, am NOTHING. I am an ex-acquaintance. I am an ex-familiar-face. I'm somebody he used to work with. I'm NOT EVEN A *FRIEND*. I am NOTHING.

Oh, and another thing happened. I wrote about Ragnar Danneskjold giving the bar of gold to Hank Rearden. I was thinking of that quote for weeks because I was trying to 'stalk' Curtis so that I could give money to him. I stalked him in a dark alley to give him a bar of gold. That's what I was thinking of. So I finally looked up that quote and wrote it on facebook.

That night, after I posted that, somebody was outside of my window making noises. They made owl hoots and some other kind of bird noises. It was somebody out on the street. I don't know if they were looking for *me*, or looking for somebody else who lives in this apartment building. It could have been anybody who lives in this apartment building. They were standing in the street making owl hoot noises to get somebody to answer them from the window. I was asleep and I woke up. My window was open a little bit, so I could hear the noises. I didn't go outside. But I opened the window and whispered loudly, 'WHO IS THAT?' I got no answer, and I might not have whispered loudly enough, or they might have walked away by then. But I didn't go outside, because I'm not going out in the middle of the night to get kidnapped by a serial killer.

After I laid back down to go to sleep, I was attacked with electronic attacks and voices for a long time afterwards.

That's all for now, I think.