things i can't get from curtis

these are things i need from curtis that he won't give me. i tried, and tried, and tried, to get some of these things, like reality checks. asking questions, never getting any answers to them. writing notes on paper so i wouldn't worry about hackers intercepting the letters. STILL never getting an answer. reality checks, so that i don't develop crazy, wrong, delusional ideas that get out of control and grow bigger and damage the relationship. hurts and injuries that build up over time HAVE to be talked about and fixed, or the beliefs continue to grow (look your 35 ok, it creeps me out, i'm single and i plan on staying that way for a while like a year or 2) - that led to me always believing, forever, that i disgust him, that i can't look at him, that he doesn't want to look at me, that i'm ugly, and so on.

1. reality checks - i have to ask questions about the crazy ideas to find out if they're true. are you, or are you not, reading my facebook page? do you read the things i write? when you said X, was it about something I said? the voices always play tricks and tell lies. they control people like puppets. they make it seem like curtis knows what i'm writing, knows what i was saying in a conversation at mcdonalds. the latest lie that they are telling, the false belief they are trying to create, is that curtis knows that eddie and i were joking about 'having a spot of tea' in a british accent when we were at mcdonald's. in reality, curtis has no idea that i was doing that. he wasn't spying on me, he wasn't hacking the text messages of other mcdonald's employees who might have been talking about me, he didn't hear something from somebody about me joking around with eddie about a spot of tea. curtis DOESN'T KNOW that i was doing that. but the voices want to make me believe that he KNOWS that i was doing that.

they are telling me that it actually means marijuana, which i didn't know - with me, it was an innocent joke. now i know. but they want to make me believe that CURTIS knows i was joking with eddie about that, as though he was spying on me during that conversation, or heard it from somebody, or hacked somebody's text messages if they commented about me. the voices are insisting that he himself saw or heard me having that conversation. and i know that is a lie. curtis is a puppet. he is being forced by an external controller to keep saying 'spot of tea' until i figure out what it means. i found out what it meant because he said 'smoke a spot of tea' in a later comment. but THEY want me to believe that HE KNOWS i was saying that with eddie. so i require constant reality checks in my relationships, because of the voices, the murderers, the evil delusional ideas that they force you to believe. they force me to believe curtis is a hacker, when actually, he can barely read, can't spell, doesn't spend any time on the internet, and has to be dragged kicking and screaming to read ANYTHING - and they want me to believe he reads everything i write and sees everything i do on my computer.

so i desperately wrote notes to curtis - paper notes - trying to make him understand how *important* it is to give me reality checks. i hear voices! i'm crazy! the voices lie to me! they make me believe crazy things! they make me *do* crazy things! i have to ask you questions to find out if the crazy ideas are right or wrong! but he never understood the life-or-death importance of doing this with me. it *HAS* to be done. it is absolutely essential for having a relationship with me. it is the bread and butter of the relationship. it is the center of the relationship. reality checks. i have to always ask, 'is this real, or not? is this true, or not?' i have to ask questions and get answers to them.

2. acknowledge things i wrote in the paper notes. i've written him things in the notes and he never answered them, never spoke of them. they were on paper. he received them. the notes didn't get hacked or intercepted. he just never answered anything, never spoke of anything, never felt that it was *important* and that it absolutely *had* to be answered and talked about.

3. we need the same belief system: the military is wrong, bad, deadly - don't ever, ever go there, no matter how bad things are in your life. threatening to go into the army is a suicide threat. curtis threatened to go to the army in the past. it wasn't just this time. there was another time when he talked about it in the past. so he has mentioned it twice now. the belief system is still there. all his friends and family believe it. his sources of approval believe it. the sources of his approval are all mainstream. carrie believes it. they think the army is good, safe, honorable, healthy, a good solution for somebody with personal problems, a good way to straighten out your life and get back on track. i'd rather see him become a born-again christian, to be perfectly honest, instead of going to the army. i think it's less harmful and less dangerous to become a born-again christian to get your life back on track, than it is to use the army to get your life back on track. if he walks around telling people that jesus christ died for our sins, and you have to believe that jesus christ is your savior so you can get into heaven, i'd rather see him doing that, instead of telling stories about the army.

4. remembering what i've forgotten - that isn't about curtis, that's just another idea about why we fall in love. you might have been hurt, but somebody makes you remember that you were hurt long ago, and that you believed something that wasn't true, because you got hurt. because of that person, you remember it. and you question the belief, and change your mind about it, and prove it's wrong. but you forgot that you ever believed that thing, until somebody else reminded you of it. they could see it, but you couldn't. that is part of love. when somebody else *sees* you and looks at you, and *wants* to look at you, and *enjoys* looking at you, and is curious about you. they *want* to understand you. they *like* trying to understand you. you're that wonderful, you're that special, you're that important to them.