Okay, so anyway. I started talking about too many things and I needed to type fast with all of my fingers.
So I was keeping my iPod separate from all my logins at first, trying to keep it anonymous, but on the day when Curtis did his no-call no-show, I was frantic to reach Carrie, so I emailed her on Facebook from my iPod, even though I wasn't supposed to login to anything that I log into from my other computers. The iPod was supposed to login to a totally separate group of accounts. So it's potentially findable now. That's okay, when I want to be anonymous again I'll get another thingamajig to use. (Is 'login' ever used as a verb? I just realized, it's usually a noun. Oh well.)
So I'm still in the cliffhanger as to whether I'll ever get to see Curtis again. It's a perpetual cliffhanger that started the first moment I met him, the first time I sent him a text message and he didn't get it, the first time I left him a voicemail that he didn't get, the first time I looked in his eyes and saw that he was beautiful. Will he get torn away from me, or will we be able to bond with each other and stay connected for a long, long time? Will you disappear and become unreachable through any method of electronic communication? The cliffhanger was there all along behind every moment we spent together.
Why did I decide to start charging $10 for a date? This is why I needed all of my fingers to type. I wish I was at home with my earplugs in my ears so I could concentrate, but I'll use this for now.
1. Because I don't like ANY of them. NOBODY is attractive. Every date, every guy I look at, is this painful burden, this dull and boring hassle that I have to go through, this unwanted stranger who doesn't know me, doesn't care, doesn't understand, doesn't look attractive to me at all.
2. There are MILLIONS of them. There is this endless stream of total strangers begging to go out with me. They beg me even if I don't have a picture of myself put up on the website. They will beg for dates from an anonymous, faceless stranger. They beg to go out with me even if my profile says nothing about me at all. This tells me that something is very wrong.
3. I feel sorry for them. How can there be so many lonely, desperate men who can't get dates? They all say the same thing: 'Wow! You actually answered my email! Nobody ever answers my emails!'
4. I have a lot of unusual expenses because of my drug residues - another one of my life problems that nobody understands, cares about, or agrees with. I have to buy new socks all the time, for instance. So I'm working 70 hours a week right now, since I'm no longer receiving money from mom and dad. I'm exhausted and I can't take care of myself or do anything I need to do at home. And I get paid about $6 an hour after taxes. Charging $10 an hour to go on a sexless, social date is more money than I make at my 'real' job. It seems cheap, but it's better than $6 an hour. One of the first people I talked to was telling me I should charge $20. Like I said, the price will change over time. The goal is to cut back my hours at my 'real' jobs so that I don't need them anymore. (I'll still work one day a week because I like to stay connected with familiar faces and a familiar social environment. And it's more secure if anything happens, if I need to go back to work.)
This is a business. I'm not really getting to know these people deeply. They 1. don't understand, 2. don't care, 3. don't agree with all of the things that matter to me. It is painful to tell people things that matter most to me, the things that are life and death to me, the things that are the center of my universe, and see a reaction of apathy, indifference, incomprehension, ignorance, disagreement and a refusal to ever change their minds. Almost everyone will never understand me.
I'm thinking that over time I'll start showing a pricing scheme that's more detailed. Have a political discussion with me? $100 an hour. Why that much? (It probably won't be that much, but just play along for a minute.) Why so much, because nobody gives a shit what I think, that's why. It hurts to tell people my political opinions only to see that they're just another brainwashed mainstreamer who will never, ever, ever change their minds. It's physically painful to me. So I will set up some prices for things that people have to BEG me to do. You have to beg me to talk about politics, religion, and so on, because I'm sick of not getting the desired reactions from anyone.
Charging $10 is better than not going out with anyone at all, isn't it? Most of these men aren't getting any dates at all, and they don't even get an answer to their emails. I've been unable to bring myself to try going out with anyone at all. I've looked, I've talked to people, I've looked for interesting profiles, but I see nothing at all. I'm not seeing a lot of guys I find physically attractive, and I'm not seeing people who I would marry, and I'm not seeing people who would understand my ideas and beliefs either. Nothing. Just hundreds and hundreds of total strangers who will always be total strangers. And I'm sick of it.
I don't have a picture up in the profile, and maybe I won't put one up, either. I describe myself in the profile, so they have a general idea, and I say that I'll show them a picture if they want to see. So far, a few people are willing to drive long distances to meet someone whose image they haven't even seen. And I've warned them! I've said, I have dreadlocks, and a mustache, and I don't shave, and I'm a little bit ugly, but I have a nice body. That's a realistic description. I'm not hideous, but I'm a little bit ugly. I've warned them. I've tried to warn them. They don't believe me. I've warned them: You won't like me, you won't appreciate me, you won't understand me, you won't think I'm beautiful. And they don't listen when I tell them those things, they still want to go out with a faceless stranger who doesn't even have a picture up. So now I'm charging them money to do it.
What about repeat business?
The repeat business concept is the heart of it all. Who wants to come back again? Who wants to pay for a second date? The first date is the cheap one. It's only $10 an hour. Of course, that makes sense. You don't know what you're getting into, at first. You don't know if you'll like the products and services I'm selling. It's almost like a free sample. It's an almost-free sample. After that, will you come back again? Maybe the second date will cost more than the first? Maybe not - haven't decided yet.
Are you bonding with me for a long time? Are you serious? Can you stand to be with a woman who isn't attracted to you and probably never will be? Do you really like me that much? Are you really that curious to know who I am and understand me and be involved in my life? Do you really give a shit? Do you really have a clue at all? The prices will reflect this concept. All that I feel when I look at the profiles, when I talk to the people, when I meet these total strangers, is 'unattractive, clueless, indifferent, opposed to all that I believe and value.' It's true, I've talked to some nice people and some people who are similar-minded, and I know, it's not EVERYONE (and yes, I even gave the URL of this blog to one of the people who was similar-minded and a nice person, and he's not one of the ones that I'm complaining about). But almost all of them are in a different universe than the one that I live in. And it's SO hard to reach them at all.
So let's make it anonymous and impersonal. It's a business. You won't be getting any sex. You already know that, because I wrote it on the profile. You don't have to worry about whether or not we'll be having sex after the date. You don't have to ask yourself, 'Should I kiss her now?' because I wrote a rule that says: No kissing. The answer is no. I warned you that the date would be boring, cold, and impersonal. We're running a business here. I don't love you, you don't love me, and we probably never will, but if you insist, then yes, I'll go out with you anyway.
I'm really fascinated with this idea that they have to BEG me to tell them more about myself. It really does hurt to see that reaction over and over again: I don't care, I don't understand, I don't agree. It hurts! So I'm not going to talk about myself or the things I care about. They have to beg for it. And if they don't like what they hear, oh well, they paid me to tell them, so it doesn't hurt so much. I 'hurt' them back, by taking their money. You hurt me, I hurt you. It's painful for you to pay money to make me talk, and it's painful for me to talk and see that nobody gives a shit. At least I gained one small thing, a couple dollars, so that I can work fewer hours at my job.
I haven't been able to bring myself to go out with anyone for free, yet. There has been only one guy who I ever went out with from a dating website. It was a professor from Penn State, and I met him on AdultFriendFinder. We went to a coffee shop and talked for a little while. I felt zero sexual attraction to him. Our conversation was tense and didn't have much momentum. The conversation didn't get energized and carry itself away. It was a painful struggle. But even so, this guy kept emailing me over and over for many months. And I don't mean he was spamming me - he only sent me an occasional email once in a while, out of the blue. But why? Why on earth would you want to endure my unwanted company over and over again? Was the conversation really that great? Do you need to be reminded that we had this painful strain and tension that never went away? How can it be that I feel nothing for this person, but he somehow wants to keep seeing me over and over again anyway? Can't he tell that I feel nothing? Can't he see that I'm just talking like a robot and not really caring what I say? Can't he see that this is shallow and it's not going any deeper anytime soon? Can't he see that we will never really care, and we will never really support each other? I don't understand why he would want to see me again.
After that guy - that was last year sometime, I think - or maybe it was in 2008 - after him, I never went out with any more people from the dating website. I stopped using it, actually, and then in, what was it, 2009, summer, I met Curtis at work and focused all of my love on him, and wasn't interested in dating other people, and 'the voices' discouraged me from going after anyone else, too. So I really only went out on one date with one guy from a dating website, ever.
But now... I'll go out with all of them. That's the nice thing about paying for a date, from someone who views it as her 'job' to go out on a date with you: You're guaranteed a 'yes.' You don't have to worry about whether I'll say yes to going on a date with you. Of course I will! It's my job.
The repeat business concept... why? Why would you do this again and again? What do you really want to know about me? Do you really care what I have to say, that much? Do you really support me and my life? If you don't really care that much, you can keep on being just a plain old regular customer who never goes beyond the $10 an hour date. (Or whatever my eventual price will be, after I get it worked out.) You're giving me money, and I appreciate it. Thanks for helping me cut back my hours at my real jobs. We don't have to go any further than this if you don't want to.
So I am curious to see how this will go. Who comes back for a second date (and STILL doesn't get any sex)? Who wants to date me once a week every week (and still not have sex!)? Who wants to ask me what I think, value, believe, and do? Who cares? We'll find out who cares.
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