Getting through today

I made it to work on time without quitting today. Last night I impulsively drove my car down toward west Virginia like I was going home to my parents. Then I turned around and came back here, and slept at gas stations on the way home in between short periods of driving. This was all because of an intense terrible desperate mood I was in. I got up this morning and used a tiny bit of vivarin. It was so little I hardly felt it.

Today the voices won't leave me alone. They are telling me that Curtis wants to marry me, and other crazy ideas that I know are not true. When I get a chance I want to tell Carrie everything I told Curtis so that she will understand why everything is such a big deal to me. I couldn't get Curtis to agree to this, but I might get Carrie to do it: talk openly about rules and boundaries. What do we do about it when Nicole suddenly does crazy, impulsive things like writing to his ex girlfriend? Curtis never answered any of my letters requesting for us to talk about this. We need to set up an anti-stalking agreement. How do we handle it when I do things I shouldn't do. We need to know ahead of time. Cutis can't talk about it, but Carrie is still speaking to me, so I'll have to work it out with her. She needs to know. She mistakenly thinks I'm just a normal person who's just a little bit weird. It's more than that. So when I get a chance soon I will talk to her about the anti-stalking rules, boundaries, and precautions that Curtis was never able to talk about with me no matter how many times I asked him. I'm sure he can't read. He pretends he can, he skims and reads a few words, but doesn't get the overall idea. Carrie said she thinks he's able to read. I think she's wrong.