Snow day! Fell off wagon. Geese going south.

Using my ipod.

Expecting to get out at 3:30, I just found out I had to leave early at 11:00 instead. Yay, snow day! So I can blog a little.

Had coffee this morning to stop the crying. It worked. Geese going south for winter - I've been sad the past few weeks probably because of winter coming.

But the Curtis problem adds to it. I'm in a place full of memories. Remember when we had that conversation over there, when I touched you while we stood over there, when you used to walk through that door and look into my eyes.

There is one good thing about his leaving - I don't have to work there anymore. I can cut back my hours there and get a temp job. Keep only a few hours there. Curtis was the only thing I loved about my job. I have no reason to stay there now except security.

The memories are not just in the past. I might have memories in the future too. If I get my foot in the door, find out what scenario Carrie is imagining when I say the phrase "family friend," so that I can do what she wants, then I might have some visitation with him.

The voices pointed out that he'll get his driver's license back eventually. But what good does that do - I still have to communicate with him to be able to meet him. He doesn't communicate. Why not, I don't know. Many times I've asked him if he got a message or voice mail and he said no, didn't get it. Lying? Truth? Don't know. So I'll just use the communication path that seems open right now - through Carrie.

So I'm not crying now. Coffee has helped me stop crying in the past, too. It's always been an early morning job where I start crying. Coffee made life bearable. But I plan to stay mostly on the wagon.

I need to write down all my recent memories of Curtis in detail. I have accurate details of many past incidents because I kept a record of them all in my notebook. How he looked, how he sounded, how he smelled (what was that wonderful perfume you used to wear? I hate perfume, but yours was the sweetest perfume I've ever smelled. I used to smell it and I'd know you were at work that day.). Every detail written down.

The notes convinced me every time I doubted that he was interested in me. He is probably bisexual, but he sometimes clearly showed sexual interest in me, after I'd give him notes telling him my feelings for him. I am so glad I gave him the money last time I saw him. This may sound strange, but I've always wanted to pay for sex. It means I'm getting what I want. I'd pay him to let me give him a blowjob. The opposite of how you'd think it would be.

I'll post this and think of more stuff to say. Right now I'm thinking of things to do as a group, such as eat meals together, where I can see him and talk to him with Carrie's blessing. I want to look in his eyes, hear his voice, and listen to his words and learn about him and watch him. Just to see him and not let him disappear from my life.