about martin. opening a link to and from my other blog.

i've decided a couple things about martin. these are hypotheses for now. i may change my mind later.

martin is an enneagram type eight, and he has 'reactive attachment disorder' to some degree. that is what they would call it. it is nowhere near what they describe in some of the adopted kids who don't even know how to express any emotions at all. with martin, it is the phenomenon of not allowing anybody to get close to him, to know anything about him, and avoiding people who get too close, and telling lies to them and hiding anything personal or vulnerable.

it was the voices who suggested that i google his email address, and there i found his blog. googling his email address wasn't my idea, and i wouldn't have otherwise done it.

and yeah, i wish the voices would shut up about him, because they keep making false promises like 'eventually he'll see her.' and i am sick of hearing that crap. it isn't for the voices to decide, or to talk about, or to speculate about, whether or not martin will do any particular thing.

anyway, the RAD thing: i haven't read enough about it. he definitely has real emotions, and they are very intense, and i see them on him all the time. he wouldn't like to be labeled as RAD, but it helps me, because i can read about other people who are dealing with adopted children who are RAD. obviously he isn't my adopted child, he is 'just a friend.' or 'just a long-term undefinable bond of some kind.' i expect that we will still be connected to each other in the future, although i wish we could have just spent time together in person and seen each other for real and done normal things together, and i wish i would have been able to touch him (other than just the one hug, which was wonderful).

i am opening a link to retmeishka from eagledove9. this is something they've wanted me to do. i'm not removing his first name being used openly throughout this blog, i'm keeping it. it is his real name and if you know where i work, you know who he is. i can tell more of the story later.

anyway, the behavior of the enneagram type eight, and also, of 'reactive attachment disorder,' fits with his behavior and his evasiveness and everything that i have experienced with him. the intensity of suppressed emotions, and not letting anybody get close, and avoiding people, and not letting someone trust you, and not trusting them. he might not want a label, but the label helps me locate information written by other people who are experiencing the same thing with someone they love. i don't know him well enough to use the word 'love,' and i am cautious about using that word and i want to be realistic. i would say 'lots of intense feelings associated with him.'

so, retmeishka is not separated anymore from eagledove9. the 'gross and sexual and personal' topics, and the 'obsessing too long about something really boring,' and all that, is now linkable from my public blog. i'm guessing that i will still feel a self-censorship urge, though. but anyway, here it is.