why do i sometimes have 'angry eyes?'

nobody's getting killed, nobody's getting arrested, and nobody's committing suicide. and no, that doesn't mean that any particular person is a 'nobody.' the word 'nobody' is meant in the usual sense of the word and not like saying to some person 'you're just a nobody.'

anyway, i just had a really, really awful day, and i will tell more about it when i get back from working on my car with diane. and i am really angry about a lot of the things that happened in the awful day, but the anger is exaggerated by the drug contamination.

i wanted to mention 'angry eyes,' which they keep referring to. i handled tobacco, and it did sprout and start to grow before dying - probably from juglone poisoning in the walnut soil that i got from my backyard.

the house is contaminated with tobacco among other things. whenever i get hit with tobacco, and then wash it off, i go into nicotine withdrawal several hours later. i recognize the symptoms by now. i start yawning and start craving coffee and sweets. i become irritable and hungry. i can feel that my voice becomes tense and strained, and i feel that my facial expression looks angry, especially the eyes.

tobacco has actually been the most useful and beneficial herb that i handled, which is the reason why i am very, very, very, very (copy-paste x number of times) GLAD that i never started smoking. it is much easier to withdraw from extremely low doses of transdermal nicotine instead of quitting cigarettes. tobacco cheers me up, makes me ambitious and energetic, and gives me the ability to work faster and for a longer time without getting tired. it clears my mind. it is very helpful. however, it also raises my blood pressure, and i go into withdrawal after about two hours, and start getting hungry. and i also get 'angry eyes.'

i remember angry eyes, because a guy who worked at mcdonald's one time looked at me, and he was talking, i forget about what - and i think he was a cigarette smoker - and i looked at the eyes, and his eyes, all by themselves, were very scary looking and angry. that's the first time when i clearly and definitely noticed that phenomenon. i notice it on sue, also, when she is in withdrawal. and lots of other people get angry when they are in nicotine withdrawal. the voice gets strained, and when you talk to the person, you start to feel anxious, like you did something wrong, when you really didn't. you start to feel like they don't like you anymore, like they're rejecting you, and you feel like you're socially inferior and worthless. it's a bad feeling, until you tell yourself 'that person is in nicotine withdrawal.' then you realize: it's not me, it's YOU, and you are in drug withdrawal and this mood isn't real, it's only a drug effect.

so the voices have been mentioning the angry eyes and urging me to explain why i look that way sometimes. it is because i am frequently getting hit with tobacco in the household contamination.

******

i have one apology for martin. and no, apologizing doesn't signal that 'it's over' or anything like that, nor does it signal that anything major is changing or that anything bad is happening. this is an 'ongoing' apology, which should be seen as my overall attitude towards this terrible situation. an apology that keeps going.

i apologize for not being strong enough to fight back against the people who are controlling me - that i can't stop them from doing what they do - that every day, i believe their lies again and again. i am sorry that i can't fight back against that. i am continuing with my life, and i will keep trying to solve my problems in a long-lasting way, but right now, i can't fight them.

this apology is my overall attitude about it.