another long obsessive blog about guys

By the way, trimming eyelashes was just a joke. I don't want anybody to go out and do that. It was meant to make a point, that we hardly ever express disgust about how long somebody's eyelashes are (even on men), but instead, people usually like them, or envy them (again, even on men). And no, I don't know any particular people who have long eyelashes, either, so I wasn't trying to secretly say that in a roundabout way... but I think it accidentally became a 'puppet' incident, because if I recall, I think I did notice long eyelashes on someone once and admired them; and since the joke was a voice's comment, it could have been directed at a particular person.

I really was laughing out loud at the joke. That is how 'the voices' often are with me. I do not condone or approve of putting voices in people's heads; if I had a choice about it, I would choose to shut it off or block it out; however, when I hear them, they often say funny or interesting things, and I laugh. Or we have 'discussions' that are actually enjoyable conversations. Or they sometimes encourage me to do fun things that I would have wanted to do anyway, like the time when they encouraged me to go to Six Flags last summer.

Other times, it is VERY negative, especially if I have used my antidepressant (St. John's Wort) and am having intense rebellion against them during my drug withdrawal, and (mentally) yelling and cursing at them and telling them to stop. When that is going on, the things they say are usually not at all nice or amusing.

I don't want to give people the impression that the voices are my friends, or that I want them to be there. They are a poor substitute for real friendship and real conversations. They are a poor substitute for real, independent thought and privacy. But whatever they are, I still sometimes laugh with them or agree with them or enjoy the discussion.

***********

Well, Dennis and I are talking - we're not avoiding each other - I spoke to him on the phone yesterday. He wants me to go look at his family tree chart because he is proofreading the final version.

However, I discovered that I absolutely won't be going into the trailer. I 'discovered' this because yesterday I tried putting on the same clothing I had worn there, and within a couple of minutes, I was getting nauseated and having 'bad brain.' The clothing still smelled like kerosene.

I told Dennis on the phone that my reaction to his house was very severe. He asked if I was able to stay there for very brief periods at a time? On the phone I said yes, but after I tried on the worn clothing, I decided, no. I don't know if it will wash out of my clothes. I will have to stay outdoors, on the front step, and if he wants to show me the family tree chart, I will have to ask him to open the door of his truck and open it up inside the truck (because it's been raining so much and probably will be raining again when I go over there today).

This will be a very strict boundary. If I break this rule, I know (from previous contamination experiences) that I will ruin whatever clothes I have on, and will get sick for hours or days, every time I go in there.

He told me he's not chemical sensitive. But I think: he's just not observant. Chemical sensitivity has several components: 1. actually being more sensitive or more easily sickened than most people, and 2. learning to observe and recognize symptoms caused by chemicals, so that you recognize the phenomena more quickly the next time it happens.

So, it is partially a learned SKILL - the skill of noticing, recognizing, and identifying symptoms, and knowing what causes them. In that way, chemical sensitivity is actually viewed as a positive thing, something that everybody could benefit from knowing how to do. In other words, everybody ought to be observant and knowledgeable about which chemicals they're exposed to and which symptoms result from them; however, most people never learn how to observe that, because the 'best' or most effective way to learn it is to have a SEVERE or EXTREME incident, which you absolutely cannot avoid noticing, which is so obvious that it is jumping up and down and shouting at you, 'YOU TOUCHED THIS OBJECT AND GOT SICK!' Or you get sick in a particular location, or whatever. Most people are exposed to only mild levels of things that are less dangerous, in the everyday world. Or they're stuck in a location which is so constantly, severely contaminated that they cannot imagine a healthy life outside of that place, because it's been so long since they were healthy, they can't imagine the contrast. I think that last one applies to Dennis. His trailer is THAT badly toxic.

I can clearly see that Dennis has health/brain problems, and he doesn't see it, because he hasn't been through the horrible, extreme, traumatic chemical contamination and environmental illness problems that I have. It took a LOT to teach me about chemical contamination. I didn't learn it from the mild stuff. I learned it from EPHEDRA, one of the most dangerous drugs in the world. After that, I was paying attention, and I noticed ALL drugs and chemicals because I had learned how to recognize the phenomena.

When I say Dennis has problems, I mean: he walks around slowly, staring, and has no ambition (seems to show no desire for anything), and cannot respond to the severe problems in his life (such as this job loss), and cannot manage time (doesn't know how to quit doing something at a particular minute or particular hour). I know that those are very general things and they can apply to almost anybody. But I mean, with him, it's really noticeable. (This is one of those times where I can see both sides: I am genuinely irritated, annoyed, and frustrated by his behavior, but at the same time, I am convinced that it's not really his fault, and that there is a reason for it, some kind of physical sickness or poisoning that makes all of those problems worse. That's because I am the same way: my own brain/behavior problems are real, they annoy others, but they have a physical cause which isn't entirely my fault.)

After I left his house, wearing my contaminated clothing, I felt severely sick for HOURS, including my brain - the whole way of thinking felt messed up. And I FELT those same symptoms myself, in my own way - my brain was too messed up to think about time, to think about my personal goals and desires and ambitions, to take action - everything I see about Dennis, I was experiencing.

I don't know if fossil fuels (kerosene and propane) are the ONLY contaminant in his house. He also told me that he, and his family, used colloidal silver for treating infections. And he actually DRANK it when he had an unexplained tooth/mouth infection a while ago. This is something I don't like. I've read about colloidal silver, I've read it on survivalist web pages, I've read it on a lot of websites that I respect, and I know it's seen as an alternative medicine that can help people avoid antibiotics and avoid going to doctors. And I agree with the desire to do those things - I would also prefer to avoid doctors, antibiotics, and mainstream medicine most of the time. A lot of people view it as something that the mainstream medicine people want to suppress because it competes against them.

However, my feeling about it is that I have such bad reactions to ALL metals, I cannot imagine that it would EVER be safe to drink silver, even if it was processed in a way to supposedly make it safer. This is one particular 'alternative medicine' that I am going to disagree with. And I really am interested in holistic/alternative medicine, and a lot of it is good. But I'm not happy about drinking silver. So I have often wondered if his belongings, or his body, have a buildup of colloidal silver. I just remember having bad reactions from touching my silver coins - I think that at least one of the coins is a counterfeit one that contains lead (it's a large, two-ounce coin that looks like a copy of a buffalo, like the buffalo nickel, I think, but there is nothing printed anywhere about WHO minted the coin) - but even the real silver ones give me a funny sensation in my skin, and a dopey feeling in my head, and I start writing poetry. (Writing poetry? That's very specific. But yes, I noticed THAT PARTICULAR symptom seemed associated with touching heavy metals. However, during the time period when I first met Martin, I was getting a lot of poetry lines in my head, and that was part of the brainwashing telling me 'Getting you and Martin together is a BIG DEAL.' So it wasn't only metals, it was also the voices and other things associated with him. And during the beginning of the Martin phase, I also think I was drugged with something other than my OWN drugs, and I remember that other antidepressants also caused me to write poetry and limericks.)

Well, anyway, so I am not comfortable with the idea of colloidal silver. And I wonder what other chemicals, drugs, or anything might be there.

So I will have to stay out of his house for reasons that have nothing to do with 'setting boundaries on physical contact.' It might serve that purpose, but in reality, I actually am avoiding the trailer because of the chemical sickness.

**************

Yesterday, I drove Peter to Altoona again (I took him there a couple weeks ago, but never told the story) for a doctor's appointment. He is diabetic, and has kidney failure, and is getting hemodialysis. For dialysis, he has had surgery on his arm to change the blood vessels so that they can more easily take out the blood and put it back in. He has what's called a fistula. So he went back to the doctor to get his stitches taken out.

Well, this is the odd thing. His wife and I worked together at McDonald's, which is where I met Peter in the first place. We liked each other well enough, and she knows that I have talked on the phone with Peter. She and I have had conversations about Peter. She knows or suspects about my relationship with him, but it is a topic that is at the gray area of things that we would rather avoid talking about or thinking about, but we will be tolerant about. I am as sympathetic as I know how to be with her situation, because she is a slave at her job because she has to keep her health insurance, for Peter, and that is caused by the healthcare system being a mess, which is not her fault. What I mean is, I am not sitting here making fun of her, or being disrespectful to her, or criticizing her, or saying that I am 'entitled' to be with her husband, or saying that she has failed him in some way. She works very long hours and is afraid of losing her job. Meanwhile, she has her own very serious health problems.

So, yesterday when I went to pick him up, I actually knocked on the door and was talking to her in person - I haven't seen her in quite a while because I'm no longer at McDonald's. They had a car problem for several weeks, and they had no car at all, which is the reason why I was taking him to Altoona. So we were talking and she thanked me for taking him. I said that I understood the surgery was very important and the car problem was a huge crisis for them and it was a difficult situation. They have a lot of money problems too and are barely able to pay their bills, which is what happened with the car: they couldn't pay the insurance and the car's license plate got taken away and they were not allowed to drive it.

So, it was strange talking to her, and also being there when her son was in the room lying on the couch, and he commented about something once in the conversation, but he didn't know me - he could have only seen me briefly at McDonald's but we were never introduced. (When he spoke, I grinned, I was delighted. I was like, 'Wow, you can talk?' He's nine years old. We've never interacted directly with each other.) The feeling between me and her, I would describe like this: gratitude, understanding, sympathy, both of us knowing the importance of taking care of Peter, knowing what a huge financial and emotional burden this is, being overwhelmed... We have in common this love for Peter, although her love is different from mine - hers is much more strongly committed, and mine is a little more distanced or detached, like a friendship with physical attraction instead of a marriage. She is overwhelmed with a problem so huge and expensive and emotionally painful that she needs help very badly. So I felt that we are not talking about my relationship with Peter, but instead, grateful for help in this crisis.

*******

Martin: Brainwashing again. I had emailed him a couple days ago, and got a 'leave me alone' response. Well, of course, immediately after that, I got voices and images and hypnosis over the past couple days since that email. They keep telling me that he is hoping and wishing I would send another email, and that he is disappointed to see that I haven't sent anything. They sent me several visual images of Martin walking quickly past me and waving hello, then continuing on past (while I was in bed with my eyes closed). They are telling me something to the effect of 'no means yes,' (or 'no means maybe'). They are telling me that he is extremely restricted and inhibited in a lot of things that he is 'not allowed' to do, to look at, to ask about, etc.

The whole thing seems believable, so as usual, I'm going along with it and agreeing, and I'm like, 'that poor boy,' which is what the voices were saying, and they meant it sarcastically on the one hand, but sincerely on the other. I am supposed to understand it in the sincere way, to see him as a victim in a terrible situation, trapped in a mind control system where he is prevented from doing things, and deprived of the things he wants and needs. Ongoing severe deprivation, to control him and force him to do whatever they want. That is the way that they are portraying him to me.

I am VERY cautious about this, because I know how easy it would be to get a knock on my door and open the door to see two police officers standing there, which is what happened the LAST time I kept writing letters to somebody who was avoiding me. However, THAT guy didn't give me any responses at all, not even a 'leave me alone' response. And that situation was different in a lot of ways.

So every day is a battle against the brainwashing and the hypnosis. I am in terror that the police will be at my door, and in terror that I will forget 'no means no,' terrified that I will just ignore his 'leave me alone' responses and that I'll do the same thing again. And this is even more difficult because I really DO know that the mind control attacks REALLY EXIST, and all of the idea is plausible. It could really be happening. I can't rule it out. It really COULD be true that he is physically forced to be unable to talk openly with me, forcibly prevented from emailing, from calling, from looking at me or approaching me, etc. Everything they're brainwashing me to believe really is believable, because I know my own experiences with being forced to do things or prevented from doing things.

And it happens every time I get hit with certain drugs that are in my house.

In the past, I sent him a large number of emails (over three dozen) and lots of them were very long letters. Being long-winded is connected with the drugs, and also, with being forced to say things and prevented from thinking my own thoughts. He stopped answering, as my long-winded letters started being sent every day or every few days. And how CAN somebody answer dozens and dozens of very long emails? It is time consuming to read and write very long letters. He is in college, is taking classes, doing homework, and going out with his friends. These emails are like adding another homework assignment to the homework he already has.

So I started to blog, partly as a way of avoiding emailing him. Instead of sending letters, I would write blogs. That way, he could choose to visit the blog, or choose to avoid it, or postpone it until a more convenient time. (If anybody can 'choose' ANYTHING.) It would be less direct and less like harassment. He would have no 'obligation' to reply. With a blog, you can read it, but nobody expects you to answer. People sometimes comment on blogs, but the comments can be very short and they don't have to reply to everything that was said, but instead they can talk about only one small subject of interest, or be random and irrelevant, or people can talk back and forth between comments. It's different from 'answering letters.' That was why I started to blog instead of emailing.

So... daily brainwashing, fighting against 'no means yes/maybe', and trying to avoid doing anything that will bring the cops to my door, and not knowing what would be the last straw to make him call the police on me, because he doesn't want to set an official boundary of 'When you do X, I am going to do Y,' in a very direct way. As in, 'If I receive one more email from you about anything at all, I am going to call the police, and I have their phone number here, and that number is XXX-XXXX, and I am going to talk to a particular police officer, and his name is Fred Smith, and I am going to tell him X and ask him to do X.' As specific as possible a plan of action in the real world. So since he won't TELL me what that plan of action IS, I have no idea what to expect, and I have no idea when the last straw would occur. And yet I can foresee several possible things that could happen, and would like to ask him about those scenarios, but can't get him to talk with me about it.

And no, 'talking to the police' is not what I want, either. I would prefer a discussion of what is okay and what is not okay, and no police officers being involved at all. The police are not to be used to mediate disagreement and conflicts - they're not diplomats, they're not mediators, they're not interested in negotiating, but instead, they have 'laws' which come from government, and the 'laws' (quote unquote) are not designed in the best interests of people trying to negotiate or solve problems, but instead ... it's just 'arrest somebody and throw them in a mental hospital, who cares if the problem can be solved in a much better way.'

I can foresee a bunch of things that could happen involving Martin. It would usually be triggered by a drug incident that would make me lose my inhibitions. I could write another letter to one of his friends. I could leave a comment on his facebook page - although I don't know whether strangers can comment, or if only friends can - I haven't tried it and I am not intending to try it. But it could happen if I had another drug incident. I could find his blogs again - miraculously restored instead of deleted - and leave another comment there. I could try giving another handwritten note to one of his friends. I could try using a different friend instead of Caitlin. I could ask another friend questions about him. There are other foreseeable things that I could do to try to contact him if I had a drug incident.

I could be drugged enough to overcome my fear of talking to him, and say something directly to him - although that now seems unlikely, because of the months and months of pain, from him avoiding me, and the terror of him calling the police. In the beginning, I was still able to approach him and say something directly, because I had never suffered any trauma from him. Now there is a terrible trauma going on for months and months, and a terrible fear, which wasn't there yet in the beginning when we first started talking. I don't even know if I could talk directly to him even if I were on drugs. I know I am going to be upset when he graduates and leaves school, or at least leaves for the summer, since I can't talk to him and don't know if he's coming back, and don't know if he's finishing school this semester, or later. I don't know anything about what he's doing or where he will go, whether he is staying in State College or going to some other place to live. So sooner or later I will want to say goodbye to him for the summer or goodbye permanently, and I am going to be very anxious and very sad about it, but also knowing that he keeps saying 'leave me alone' and I cannot talk to him. And he doesn't answer direct questions. He avoids all questions.

I just noticed that I haven't eaten much for breakfast except coffee. When I haven't eaten, I write very long obsessive blogs. (That's what retmeishka is for - the 'negative emotions, gross or sexual topics, and long-winded obsessions' blog.)

Anyway, I wanted to talk to him about what we would do if any of the foreseeable incidents would happen, but he doesn't want to be confronted or answer any questions about that.

I think I will go eat breakfast instead of writing.