Qiwi Lisolet; Isolation; Overt Tampering; Social Support

I feel like Qiwi Lisolet in Vernor Vinge's book A Deepness In The Sky. I was looking for enneagram type seven role models in books.

I have to apologize for my trial-and-error method of identifying my enneagram type. Psychological self-observation has been impossible ever since the voices began: I can't look at myself and ask, 'Why do you do X?' anymore, because the voices give me false answers to that question, and fill my head with garbage instead of genuine, original self-observations. The word 'Why?' was dropped from my vocabulary. Psychology is a taboo subject. So I can't even figure out which enneagram type I am, and get an honest answer about it.

Personality types are part of the mind control system. They affect how you make decisions, what you care about, what motivates you, what you say 'yes' or 'no' to. So, I've been prevented from understanding my own psychology for a while now.

Vernor Vinge, and Qiwi Lisolet, is where I first learned the word 'scrip,' and some of my concept is based on that book. I found out later that scrip is a real word, not just a word that Vernor Vinge made up. It means, pieces of paper with IOUs on them, or homemade paper money, or alternative currency of any kind. That 'fiction' book is pretty close to the literal truth, except that I assume that all of the events going on are caused by humans, not aliens. (It turned out later that 'aliens' was one of the harassing secret messages that I didn't know I was saying.) FSK (http://fskrealityguide.blogspot.com/) often says that the news channels are actually comedies, and the fiction stories are actually the news - and I laugh, but I agree.

The email interference has been OVERT. Usually, in the past, they were secretive in their harassment. This new problem has been broad-daylight email screwups. 'Hey! We're messing with your email!' type of thing. In the past, the things that they did were unprovable. They demonstrated to me, one thing after another, that they were able to spy on this or that. I would have a conversation out loud with someone, in my house, and then receive email advertisements for things I had talked about. The one incident I remember was 'plastic bags.' I needed plastic bags for something and was having a big conversation about it in my apartment. I then went to my email and found spam advertisements for plastic bags. That type of thing was going on in the early years of the harassment.

So I went online and was trying to find countermeasures for conventional surveillance. I thought somebody put a bug in my apartment. I thought somebody was physically entering my apartment when I was gone. So I bought an $800 device to check for bugs, but I didn't find anything. Instead I just got random noises now and then and was unable to interpret them. I didn't buy any more devices or countermeasures because my whole life got smashed out from under me again and again: layoffs, job losses, chronic fatigue, various disasters, getting evicted, contamination, environmental illnesses - so I couldn't afford to even try getting any more equipment and doing any forensic research, testing, countermeasures, or information gathering of any kind.

Anyway, back then, the email harassment was covert and secretive. They made sure that I would look like a lunatic if I tried to explain that I got spam advertisements for plastic bags after I talked about plastic bags out loud in my apartment. (People can listen through telephones, but they can also listen from a distance away using other methods, and I was unable to finish my research about it.) But now, the overt email tampering makes it so that I can actually go up to a real person and say 'Our emails didn't reach each other,' and that person agrees with me.

Being AGREED WITH is very important. For a targeted individual, being agreed with is a lifesaving thing. When people disagree with your interpretation, when they say you're crazy, when they can't even imagine that the universe you live in is real, it totally isolates you from the whole world, which is what happened to me over the past decade as I went through one disaster after another while simultaneously being harassed.

(I am afraid to use the word 'lifesaving' in a sentence, because if you even MENTION anything having to do with life or death, or use the 's-word' in a sentence, people can use it as an excuse to throw you in the mental hospital. Even if you use the word in a NEGATIVE way, saying 'I am so far from the s-word, that I am not even in the same zip code as the s-word,' you still used the s-word in a sentence, and they'll lock you up. I will mention here that I have long-term plans and hopes, social support, family support, financial support, and real-world friends. My life is not in danger. I would say, 'I am a POSITIVE BENEFIT to myself and others.' So that is my act of CMA for today.)

Oh, I remember what set off this rant. I went to the dating website again and found an email, and the sender of the email was someone I had never spoken to before. However, he mentioned things that I had been talking about with this other guy previously, as though it were him, but just using a different name. That set off my 'Rant About Overt Email Manipulation' which got me writing this blog. The OVERT phenomena have been making it very easy and obvious to observe, instead of the secretive, 'not-sure-if-it's-real-or-not' style of attacks that were going on in the past. This is a different style, some hacker jumping up and down shouting 'IT'S REAL!'

There was another phenomenon that was going on over the past few months. It is in the 'paranoia' category of possible things to worry about. The theme is always sadness, loneliness, isolation, missed connections, people you were trying to reach but couldn't. I would get a spontaneous impulse to go on a long car trip. Long car trips to random places, then back home again, just to get out of the house and see the scenery and have something to do. But while driving, I would hear voices in my head. They would tell me that somebody was calling my house at that moment, and I wasn't answering the phone. They would tell me that somebody stopped by to visit, and I wasn't there. They would say this person tried again and again to contact me, but every time, I was gone, or I didn't answer the phone. As I said, sadness, isolation, missed connections, separation and loss from people you care about. It always made me worry because I knew that technically, it WAS possible to cause those types of events to occur.

I always want to tell that one person I was trying to reach: I am still here even if something is interfering with our communication, or if you don't trust me, or you think I'm a compulsive liar, or this whole thing is all just a big joke to humiliate you. It isn't. It's all real. :(

That's why I am looking at long-term plans for dealing with it, protecting ourselves, communicating in less-hackable ways, and building social support systems that are less corrupted, more honest, more trusting. This is why I love learning about intentional communities. I want to have children, and I want those children to grow up knowing the truth, but at the same time, they must feel safe, supported, and protected, knowing they can trust the people around them. I don't want my children to feel terrified and vulnerable in a crazy world where people do horrible things to each other. I want them to know that yes, horrible things are happening, but we are together and we are honest about it and we can talk about it.

Not just my children, but also my friends and fellow sufferers.