anti-anxiety drug contamination day

i am having a bad night. i got maybe one hour of sleep so far. i was severely and persistently impotent last night, which means that i was exposed to mark's anti-anxiety drug contamination pretty badly. (i use the word 'impotent' even as a female, because it is exactly analogous to the male phenomenon.) i also have a sensation on my skin, of a soothing numbness that would be pleasant, IF ONLY i had voluntarily chosen to experience that particular sensation, and IF ONLY i were able to STOP having it happen when i didn't want it to happen anymore. the 'soothing numbness' won't go away, and it indicates the presence of the drug, but i don't know if it's actually ON that location where the numbness is, or elsewhere on my body. both of those things have been going on ever since i got out, and tried to wear, the articles of clothing that were in the wash alongside the clothes i wore to new york. i'm no longer wearing that batch of clothes, but it got onto my brand-new vinyl bed cover on the futon. i will need to get a new cover, for one thing, and i will have to actually do the clothing project, throwing stuff away, like i was talking about a week or two ago and never had the chance to do because of working lots of extra hours this week.

i only got the one hour of sleep that i got, because the attackers forced me to fall asleep, then forced me to wake up again. they can usually do that whenever you have insomnia. i would purchase or build my own lida machine if i could, or rather, the modern version of it, with some kind of safety feature that would automatically wake you up if you were having sleep apnea (which i sometimes have) or any other medical emergency where you wouldn't want to continue being forced asleep. and it would have to put you through the various phases of sleep. and it would be nice to also have a shield blocking out the criminals from giving you artificial hypnotic dreams. however, 'getting my own lida machine' is one of the ten thousand countermeasures projects that i haven't been able to do because of chronic illness, job losses, and life disruption in general. i call it a 'countermeasure,' however, the insomnia isn't a direct attack, so a lida machine isn't necessarily a 'countermeasure' to psychotronic attacks - what i mean is, insomnia has many causes, and right now, mine is caused by multiple drug and herbal contaminations in my house and on my clothing. it isn't a psychotronic attack at this time, although they are capable of causing insomnia. i'm saying that 'getting your own lida machine' is useful for any kind of insomnia even if it's caused by an accidental problem instead of an attack.

so, i was forced asleep and then forced awake again, and that's how my day has started off. i woke up hearing voices saying 'the half-truths, the blatant lies, the... openly admitting?' i figured out they were probably referring to mark's use of anti-anxiety drugs.

then, after that, they wanted to direct my hatred towards him, and since i am drugged, it's easy to direct my emotions to whatever they want to direct them towards, and they were sitting there hypnotizing me while i was lying in bed, and they were telling me that he was hacking my emails and interfering between me and martin, but they violated my 'puppets not perps' rule, and portrayed him as being responsible for his own actions. then they said that maybe he SHOULD get committed by his psychiatrist.

if they were doing this kind of attack, i'm guessing it's because they want to undermine my attempts to create practical, real-world implementations of 'underground' activity, anarchist/agorist systems. (there's somebody using the first person pronoun, while speaking through my voice. they mean 'his,' not 'my'.) however, that's not all of it. there are always more reasons and for one thing, this isn't a 'big deal' (i wish my thoughts and emotions would behave normally, but all i feel is 'soothing numbness,' not what i want to feel right now.). it's not a big deal that needs to be stopped. it's only one person making an arrangement to give and receive help on house chores. anyway, they were expressing some concern about the fact that he and i were supporting the agorist underground projects (no matter how trivial of a project it is).

i probably would have gone there anyway if i had known he was on drugs. but 'they' have been involved all along using him as something to interfere between me and martin, and i remember, his anxiety attack coincided with a forced/scripted plan to give martin a note - once again, the whole event probably scripted, and none of us acting freely, and all of it done to frame/portray puppets as perps. pick one person and then make it look like they're responsible for their own actions and they're committing crimes. martin is the youngest, and therefore, in some ways, the most clueless: you can argue that even if he had his own electronic weapons and was going outside and shooting at people through their walls, he still has the 'youthful cluelessness' excuse, where some activity started happening in his teens and he hasn't been able to break the habit or find a way out of it yet and isn't mature enough to have strong rules against doing that. i am saying, i changed my mind about a LOT of things over the past decade or so, and i am drastically more calmed down than i was back in college, so there is such a thing as learning enough to believe differently and behave differently. mark and i are about the same age and have an extra decade of having a clue. but that was supposed to argue about people being puppets: mark and i would still be puppets, no matter what age. i don't know, the whole argument was probably BS. somebody just wanted to use the words 'clueless' and 'martin' in the same sentence, i think. the concept (as distorted and artificial as it was) was that older people DO tend to calm down, and even when they are puppets, their mental rules might be stronger, saying 'no' to certain types of behavior that are still seen as okay by younger people. this would be an argument that older 'puppets' might not behave in the extremely random destructive ways that younger people do. i don't know if that's true or not. the whole thing was just an excuse for somebody to force me to say martin was clueless, which apparently is amusing to them.

so, i was awakened by trolls stirring up disinformation and conflict. they were portraying mark and martin as interfering with each other.

we are all puppets in an evil system much larger than our own small petty actions. it controls your thoughts, your ideas, your impulses, your feelings. and i have been saying 'mental rules,' but those can be broken too, i'm sure. not entirely. they give you a forced impulse, and you can resist the impulse. however, they could probably 'force harder' if they chose.

i can definitely tell that i'm on drugs and it was a pretty bad contamination. it's part of the outbreak that started with opening that bag of washed-together laundry that was with the new york clothes. writing a blog is counterproductive and yet they convinced me to do it anyway. since i'm on drugs, i can't think clearly enough to see my way out of the lies and the distorted interpretations.

i still don't know yet whether martin was ignoring/not responding, or whether we weren't receiving each other's emails. he did not respond with a handwritten note this time after i gave cait the handwritten note. the day when he saw me after that, he had pain and fear on his face, and he looked over my shoulder, not into my eyes. it was a short note with direct questions: does my number of sent/received emails match yours, and is it okay for me to talk to you at all? he refuses to answer direct questions about what types of communication are permitted, and which aren't. he *WANTS* to just receive emails, and then ignore them, and from his point of view, that's permitted and appropriate. and i can't think clearly enough to see out of the 'puppets/perps' concept, to see the big picture.

so, this blog is just another venting of emotions, instead of taking useful action. and it just adds to conflict and hatred and uncertainty, rather than clearing anything up. and it was from the criminals who forced me asleep and then forced me awake this morning, with voices in my head, blaming mark and martin (who didn't create this system) when somebody else is responsible for the overall torture and controlling of human beings. mark and martin are both victims of the system just like i am.

retmeishka is going to start resembling my other blog, since it's now 'public.' i am going to feel conscious of the audience in a different way than i was before. i will never be able to write honestly until the day when i can sit inside a shielded room while i write.

they keep promising me that i'll get to hug martin one more time before he graduates and goes away to live wherever he's living, and they linked it to a song that has the words 'one more time' in it. those promises aren't very helpful whenever all communication and all interaction between us is blocked, either by his avoidance, or by email interference. and his avoidance is a puppet phenomenon, probably, instead of his own emotions. he may think he's responsible himself for avoiding me. the feeling may be fake, and the inability to 'find a way around it' might also be fake.

the system operators: did you create a better world, or a worse world, by controlling everyone and playing a strategy game with human beings? are we all happier this way, and more prosperous, and healthier, and richer, and living more fulfilling lives this way? could the strategy game itself be causing worldwide ruining of everyone's lives... including your own? when your own food supply rises in price because of your entertaining little strategy wargame with real people? when your own slaves have fewer and fewer resources to work with? when they can't make decisions on their own, the way they should, because you prevent them from thinking, feeling, seeing, and using their own judgment?

retmeishka has a different audience now. the puppet words will have the same evil that they have in my other blog. and i am not in a mood where i can find a better interpretation of the bad events going on and the inability to communicate with martin. while waking up and being forced to think about him, and being forced to think about him all day during moments of boredom at work - during silence, while washing dishes, they force words into my head. whenever i stop the words, they zap me with a physically painful sensation of 'punishment.' you are punished for stopping/resisting the flow of words forced into your head. i literally have words flowing into my mind and i literally get attacked with a painful punishment whenever i fight against the words and try to force the brain to silence. and it goes on for hours and hours, day after day, and they are forcing it to be all focused on martin, even whenever i try to force the thought process to focus on activities that would actually improve my quality of life. it is the 'strategy game.' somebody decided that it was important for me and martin to bond with each other and have some kind of relationship. i can accept *some* of the concept of having a long-term bond/friendship with him, but i CANNOT accept the 'you must constantly obsess about him, every hour of every day, and you cannot think about any other topic, even useful things that you really need to do that will help you a lot.'

it's not his fault that this happened. assuming that he doesn't know or doesn't understand all of it, he may blame himself for making me go crazy. it's not his fault that i 'went crazy.' i don't know how to reassure a puppet who is believing puppet beliefs, all of which are fake. and, like i said, with the mood i'm in, i can't see a way out of this. normally, i'd find a more positive interpretation.