hearing voices when i wake up

and yeah, when i say 'i was reminded about...' it DOES mean: i was asleep, and i woke up hearing voices, and they wanted me to post a blog. the voices were the usual whispers, i think. they were not the good audio quality. i don't remember enough because i was half asleep at the time. there is a lower level of whispers, which is still in the very high pitched range, but slightly less of a whisper, and more like a normal voice, and i think that's where it was.

anyway they were concerned that i would cause more confusion if i was saying there were only five emails, and didn't mention that i got two more emails from facebook. they were the less pleasant emails. i wasn't sitting there happily rereading the unpleasant ones, but instead, the early ones when it almost resembled a normal friendship between two people who are able to communicate with each other.

after i posted the blog, i heard them talking about the fact that i had posted a blog as though i had heard what they were talking about...  if that makes any sense.  i heard them talking about the blog i had just posted. they were wondering what it meant, if i meant that i was hearing voices.  i was too tired to restart up the computer and write another blog.  the idea was:  we were just here discussing this, and then she posted a blog about it as though she could hear what we were saying.

then i went back to sleep again at some point, although i was having some trouble falling asleep, because i've been getting hit with stimulant drug contamination. but i did fall asleep, and when i woke up again later, i was being bombarded/brainwashed with positive messages about martin, that he was a good person and that he still needed my communication and my support. i don't mind as much being brainwashed with GOOD messages about somebody. i wouldn't want to be brainwashed with BAD messages about somebody.

after i read the old emails last night, i called his phone, with no hope that he would ever answer it, and found that the voice mail is still there and he still has that number. it's hard to talk, so i didn't say anything.

i have considered the idea of going through the emails i sent, and tearing them apart - writing in another text color which words seem okay to me and which words seem like artificial words inserted into the text. this is a big project. i've looked at at least one email like that before and it made me angry. it was this email that spoke to him like he was a child, or at least that's how it looked to me. that was shortly after it seemed like he had stopped answering. i was already anticipating exactly what was about to happen: months and months of not being answered, while i would probably be forced to do degrading, humiliating, self-destructive things to try to get his attention. i didn't know what they were going to make me do and i was terrified that it would result in another arrest. the house is contaminated with herbal drugs that hit me once in a while and affect my moods and behavior. when that happens i do impulsive things.

knowing about transdermal contamination is one of the most important things people need to know, but don't have any idea about. all herbs will do it, if you grow medicinal herbs as live plants, and if you merely even handle the SEEDS. all i did was handle some seeds, and grew a few small plants that sprouted and then seemed to die off. (i found out that i was accidentally using soil filled with a walnut tree poison called juglone, which kills other plants. i had gotten the soil from outside my house.) that was enough to contaminate a lot of my belongings, my laundry, and the carpets. this would be very important if you were growing herbs that were more dangerous or illegal.

pharmaceutical drugs do it too, but you don't necessarily need to worry about ALL pharmaceutical drugs. i wouldn't worry too much about a bottle of ibuprofen. it's when you get drugs that really affect your mental state, or cause severe side effects or withdrawal effects, that the problem occurs. people will mysteriously go crazy and nobody knows why, because they are being exposed to low levels of a drug going through their skin. if it's psychiatric drugs, then the results are pretty bad. other kinds of drugs will cause withdrawal effects, which can be dangerous. once you wash off the contaminant, you will then go into withdrawal.

and yes, it can cause weight gain. i look at the news articles where they say that 'weight gain is contagious' and they say that when people are friends with each other, they all overeat together, which explains why a whole group of friends are all overweight. i have a different interpretation - i usually assume overweight people are hanging out together because thin people don't understand what their life is like, and i think that's the main explanation. but the other theory could be that a thin person might gain weight by being exposed to whatever drug/poison is causing the other person to be overweight.