that poor boy!

some people were wondering about the 'steaming' pile of crap. if you didn't grow up in a rural area with horses or cows, you haven't seen it. on a cold day, piles of fresh manure vaporize and make 'steam'. it was meant to be a graphic description. however, they've been bugging me about the word 'steam' and have been saying that 'sometimes between friends, things can get STEAMY,' and stuff like that.

also, there are negative associations with anything having to do with crap or fecal material, because for several years, or at least, the first year, of the overt electronic attacks, they gave me disgusting nightmares about touching human feces, and about going to the bathroom, and they attacked me every time i went to the bathroom, and put voices in my head, and disgusting symbols and descriptions. so it's 'supposed to be a joke' if i describe a 'steaming pile of crap,' yet as an electronic mind control survivor, i know there are no such things as 'innocent jokes,' and they are always a trigger to somebody.

*****

some other people are concerned about my stockholm syndrome. there were mixed reactions to the blog about martin hacking. they thought it was hilarious that i said something along the lines of, 'that poor boy! someone could hack into his hacking and prevent him from reading what's on my computer! then he'd be all sad and lonely without me!' instead of 'OMG! he's hacking my computer!'

some others said, 'you know... she has a point. how DO hackers know for sure that the material they collect is real, and hasn't been tampered with on its way across the network to them? they really AREN'T the only hackers on earth.'

some other people interpreted it as though i was saying hacking people's computers was okay, when originally, i thought it was a crime, similar to trespassing and similar to destruction of property, or vandalism, especially if you install software on the computer.

i stopped caring about hackers whenever i found out that my problems were caused by electronic mind control. mind control is much worse than hacking. so i put hacking onto a lower priority level of things to worry about. it is still a problem, but not a freaking-out problem anymore. a long time ago, when the harassment began in the early 2000s, i WAS very angry about all the hacking demonstrations. they demonstrated, one thing after another, that they were able to see what i was doing on my computer, and able to affect it. i didn't yet know about the high-tech surveillance methods or mind reading.

so in a way, it might be stockholm syndrome when i am casual or unconcerned about hacking. but it is also because i found other things that were much worse to worry about.

over those years, in the early 2000s when it began, i was trying to reach a guy through email, and he was ignoring me. this was a totally different person. i thought he was spying on my computer, while simultaneously, being cruel and deliberately ignoring me - so back then, when 'hacking' incidents occurred, i thought it was him, and it was like he was keeping me company, or being my friend. it was loneliness and missing him. so my response was 'yay! my friend is here!' whenever somebody would do something to my computer. that's if i was in a good mood. eventually i found out that there are millions of hackers, and it could be any one of them, and i decided that it was unlikely to be someone i would actually LIKE, so i started rejecting the hackers, and that caused a lot of problems. (whenever i rejected them and stopped writing to the keylogger, they would do things like turn off the electricity at the office where i worked, and they would block our computer network so that we couldn't check our email, or do other things to block activities that were essential and unavoidable for doing business. or they would give lots of prank calls, hoping to make me laugh.)

later on, i found out that my emotions and urges were being manipulated by mind control, and that the whole thing was fake, and it wasn't my fault.

my theory on martin is that he might possibly get attacked and hurt whenever he tries to answer my emails or communicate with me. somebody might be doing something to him, or threatening him, and forcing him to be silent, and then getting him blamed for being a jerk to me. other times, i change my mind, and i DO blame him for ignoring me, thinking he has control over it, he has a choice about it, and he's doing it deliberately to be cruel. so when i wrote a letter to his friend, that was my frame of mind, thinking he was being a jerk and that he had a choice about it. and i was hoping she could help me and get him to answer. he did, but only a couple times, and then started ignoring me again.

and i have very bad feelings about what he said, and it is humiliating, and i'm afraid to talk about it. it is something which scared me a lot, and yet, i can imagine him over there laughing about it and thinking it's hilarious - and then, another time, i imagine him to be genuinely scared and angry and defensive. he said he would call the police if i contacted any more of his friends to ask about him. to him, that could be a joke, but to me, it's something you don't joke about.

it scares me because i don't always have control over doing things like that. and there are still drugs in the house, which i sometimes get hit with, and it affects my behavior and gives me the urges to do those things.

also, i have no way of knowing if that email was really from him. it was from his facebook account, but all internet communication is hackable. i would have to get a handwritten piece of paper from him (it can be typed and printed, but i mean, he has to hand it to me, or a friend of his has to pass it along).

i have been too sick and too disturbed in my whole life, losing jobs, getting poisoned by mold, etc, to learn how to 'hack,' and to counterhack, and to protect my computer, and do forensic research, and observe what the hackers are doing. i tried a couple times, but, as i said, everything has been too unstable for me to focus on learning about that. it isn't because i'm not smart enough to learn how to do those things. also, i DO think it's unethical to go 'looking' on other people's computers. in fact i thought it was unethical - it was 'cheating ' - whenever the voices recommended to me that i should google his email address, and i did, and i found his secret blog, which he did not invite me to read. it was their idea, not mine. he never told me about that blog, and i accepted that boundary.

it means you're not respecting somebody's boundaries. if they want you to know, they will tell you. and if there is some hugely important, life-threatening piece of information on their computer, my feeling about that is, do you REALLY need that information in a life-or-death way? how often is it REALLY something you cannot live without?

for a while, i had my computer 'wide open,' as in, all the files and folders were 'shared,' and stuff like that. it was because i was in the middle of a computer project whenever i contaminated my whole apartment with ephedra and herbs, and i abandoned the computer project because i was too worried about the other life-threatening problems. and that lasted much longer than i thought it would, so the computer cleanup was postponed a really long time. so even a relatively ignorant and unskilled person could have gone to my computer and looked in it without any barriers. i think that's when i was trying to figure out how to get a cable between my pc and my laptop, and i had the folders shared for that reason. it was a really difficult thing to do, something that lots of other people have complained about on the net, but i forget what it's called. direct cable connection? i think that's it.

well, anyway. that is why i am casual and able to joke about martin hacking my computer. it's something i take for granted as 'highly probable' or 'not unlikely' that he is doing. i am much more worried about the whispers that follow me when i drive hundreds of miles in my car, preventing me from thinking my own thoughts, and when i pull off the road, and try to sleep, only to get a banging noise on the window a second later that jolts me awake. THAT is a big problem. hacking no longer seems like a big problem compared to THAT.