stockholm syndrome

i forgot to mention something about my experience of stockholm syndrome. what i have experienced is years and years of isolation. it feels like nobody on earth understands what i am experiencing. family and friends don't believe me, and tell me i'm crazy. i live in a separate universe from everybody else.

there's only one group of people who understands how i feel: the attackers. they've been here all along, spying 24 hours a day. they know what i'm going through. in that way, they feel like 'my only friends on earth.' in spite of this activity being evil and destructive and harmful to me, i still see the attackers as being the only ones who know what i'm going through. so that is the reason why i DO have stockholm syndrome. and it IS bad, because i do forget that what they are doing is a crime, and i forget how badly it has influenced and injured my life, and how much has changed because of their attacks, and how much human connection i have lost, while not gaining much human connection from fellow survivors, as they are hard to find. i only find them on the internet.

and then i meet someone like martin, who seems to know about it, but who then gets taken away from me, and becomes too paranoid and distrusting to speak to me. and then the debates begin about whether he is a 'perp,' and what does it mean to be a 'perp' in a world where EVERY exposed human being is a puppet, controlled by a system which is much larger than the small-scale, low-budget people driving their cars around and zapping people. those people are NOT protected against the larger system. so their beliefs about 'who should we attack and why?' are easily controlled by the larger system. they are not acting independently. i don't know how to see them as responsible for their own actions, whenever their feelings, beliefs, and urges are just as easily controlled by the system as my own.

the stockholm syndrome would be one reason why martin distrusts me. i seem to be agreeing with the attackers or cooperating with them, or condoning it, or thinking it's a joke, or taking it for granted. i suppress the desire for freedom - there is nothing i can do about it right now. i suppress the anger, i suppress the trauma. it is being postponed until later, whenever i have the knowledge or resources needed to block out the attacks, and to feel what it's like to be myself, the real me, with my own real feelings and thoughts and urges. i don't know what that would be like.