learned helplessness

i was reading something and got interrupted - there has been another 'persona' talking to me all day long and they wanted me to write something.

what if fighting back was easier than we originally thought it was? what if they weren't satellites, but just something like balloons or blimps? but learned helplessness taught us never to fight back.

i had information overload and was getting traumatized and had to stop reading. it happened because... well, i have put an ad on craigslist talking about my concept of a sort of labor barter/volunteer work exchange. actually, the ad doesn't tell the whole concept, because the concept is actually larger and much more elaborate than i said in the ad. it's actually the vision of a huge off-the-books scrip/IOU grey market labor system. but i am starting with a very benign and innocent version... but in the thinking and planning i have been fantasizing about the larger grey market labor system.

how do you perform labor in a world without money, without gold, without capital, without land, without machines? i'm starting in a semi-rural area, a small town, with surrounding farms that can produce food directly. (this is all in anticipation of economic collapse, but also, the ever-worsening poverty - including my own personal poverty, not just nationwide/worldwide. the poverty gets worse slowly and surely... not all of a sudden. although, yes, lots of people have been laid off, which is pretty sudden to them.)

(wow... this is starting to sound like incoherent babbling. like i said, information overload, and too much stuff to say at one time.)

anyway, somebody answered the ad - a couple different people emailed me with questions - i answered them, but didn't get any replies to my replies - i don't know how many of my emails are being blocked, or whether those people just didn't re-reply. but the one person who re-replied was someone whose husband works for raytheon. as a person who lives every day with harassing high-tech surveillance and constant unwanted communication and remote influencing, i don't feel very trusting of places like raytheon.

so i looked on the internet and started reading about them, and it started to 'trigger' me, as they say, as in triggering memories or feelings of being traumatized.

(this reminds me, i had recently gone on a 'spontaneous' road trip, out to get something to eat for breakfast, and obeyed an impulse to drive my car to a particular gas station, and sit there to eat, and then decided to go from there to a particular road where i was going to look for the address of an intentional community that i was reading about... and i went down a nearby road to connect to where i had to go, and i 'just happened' to see somebody who looked a lot like someone i knew, working outdoors. it was plausible because i knew this person did that kind of work sometimes. but i won't say any details about this. i started crying when i saw him - or the guy who looked just like him.)

i have spent the past few years thinking about alternative designs for flying machines, because i've always wanted to fly, ever since childhood. it turns out that the military is already using some of the flying machine designs that i was thinking about - they're real. that's the page where i started triggering. i was thinking of objects sitting up in the sky and shooting lightning bolts down at us every day. i was thinking of things that might have had some more 'benign' intention behind them, but were taken over by the sociopaths and other malicious people for petty harassment of ordinary people. (there is no such thing as a 'benign' intention in this kind of situation, though.)

lightning bolt images have made me very angry sometimes. there was a picture of a gauntlet, a fist, clutching a lightning bolt. this image makes me very angry. it's a military symbol. like someone thinks they're zeus, a god, who throws lightning at whoever he wants to. i can't even explain why the image is so evil. it's arrogant. 'i am a god.'

some of the nightmares i've had show images of lightning bolts striking the cities. i saw the image from afar, and i knew that the lightning bolts were hitting people who were being harassed and attacked. 'eastern lightning' is the name of a religious cult/mafia gang in china that has been doing horrible things, and some of the descriptions sounded like electronic attack phenomena.

so that's what i started thinking of when i imagined blimps. they don't have to be satellites. satellites are hopelessly far away. what if they were closer? what if they weren't so far away after all?

sometimes, if you have learned helplessness, it actually seems scary when something happens that makes you feel LESS helpless. like what if you COULD know the identity of your attackers, for sure? what if you could prove it? what if you really could shoot down the weapons that have been shooting at you for years?

i usually have reasons for avoiding those lines of thought. 'civil disobedience' is the approach that i am taking, which means NOT shooting at things, especially when you don't have any information about them. gathering information would happen first, and it would be slow and cautious, because it's easy to jump to conclusions. people misinterpret things, jump to conclusions, blame innocent people, blaming the puppets for instance, people who don't know or don't control what they say and do. i know i've experienced it, being made to say things that i would not have said.

i had someone interrogating me last night, one of the voices, and calling it a 'background check' because of the person who had answered my craigslist ad. ever since then, all day long, i have felt the presence of another person, with different moods, attitudes, and emotions that are not my own. he was asking me how i fight the paranoia, the feelings that it could be anybody and you don't know who it is. when you don't know who your enemies are.

anyway the craigslist ad did get a couple responses, but i have yet to find out whether my email is reliable. i answered some of those responses, but, like i said, didn't get any re-replies. also, i had mailed my co-worker asking her if her finger was okay whenever she cut it really badly at work; i mentioned it to her and she said, 'did i get your email???' very puzzled, as though she hadn't gotten it. but the one re-reply that got through was the raytheon person.

(however, it still might be possible that the one guy has been ignoring my emails, but i would want to know 'why' he was ignoring them. i still don't want to assume that he didn't GET the emails, or that i didn't get his. i still have to talk about this with him, if he is willing to talk about it.)

anyway... this blog is going to seem very jumbled and incoherent. i don't think it was really my own emotion, but somebody else's.