a 'woe is me' blog

I just walked from Lohr's garage to the library again.  I am in a depressed mood today.  First, when I got here, I couldn't find 'The Subtle Knife' because it's already been checked out.  I guess I could ride a bus to Barnes & Noble if I wanted to, but I don't know how to ride the bus, because the last time I rode it was in, like, 1998 or something.  So I would need courage, and I'd have to read that map that I saw outside the library - at least I know where a map is that I can look at.  I have dollars, but I don't know how much it costs, and I remember hearing that they like to get exact change.  I had the idea it was something like $0.50 or $1.50 or something with fifty cents after it, and I don't have any quarters.  Not a big deal.  I just don't know how long I would have to wait for it.  I'm resting from my walk right now, and blogging, and saying Woe Is Me, so it will be a while before I decide to go anywhere else.

I am doing Woe Is Me because I'm still trying to accept that my guy-friend has a girlfriend of his own and doesn't have any time left for me.  Weeks and weeks ago I actually tried asking him if he could call me on the phone, and I also had tried asking him if he would ever be able to meet me in person somehow, but he said that he couldn't, because he spends all his time working and then going to visit his girlfriend and also his son.  He doesn't need another female in his life, and I don't have anything different to offer him that he doesn't already have.  I just have a lot of unusual problems that are hard for anybody to understand.  That's not a good thing to give someone, it's just another burden.

It's good that I can see him on Facebook.  Facebook means goodbye.  I had always said that as kind of a joke, if I ask for someone's myspace or facebook it means that I'm not able to see them in person anymore, so I have to look them up online as a substitute for the real thing.  I've never used facebook to mean 'hello.'  I can see him and his girlfriend talking to each other and saying things that make me cry.

It isn't easy for me to find guys to be with.  It isn't just because I'm picky about the way they look.  They have to understand my beliefs about the world, the things I'm experiencing.  It's not easy to just have a casual, meaningless affair with somebody who doesn't know me, and never will.  I guess I could try doing that, but right away, he would run into the weirdness.  Why can't we go to your house and lie on your bed to have sex?  Well, I don't have a bed.  I have a thin mat lying on the floor.  And you can't touch anything because there are these invisible chemicals that I got on my carpet, and you have to touch only what I tell you you can touch, and walk where I tell you to walk.  And we can't do it in my car, either, because the invisible chemicals are in there too.  I guess I could go to your house, but you'll notice that I take off my shoes before I step in the door, because I don't want to contaminate YOUR house with the stuff on the bottom of my shoes.  Of course, I could change into my clean shoes when I step out of the car - I do have a pair of shoes for that purpose.  Anything that I try to do, he is going to see the weirdness.

Not only that, but I cannot just casually share my herpes-like symptoms with anybody I want to, without feeling guilty about giving them a disease that they can never get rid of.  My guy friend at work showed me his cold sore blister in his mouth, but his blister looks different from my blisters.  He has big cold sores in his mouth, but I have SMALL cold sores in my mouth.  I don't want to give him something different from what he already has.  It's true, the doctor tried to test me and find out what it was, but the test supposedly came back negative, but the fact is, that on rare occasions, I definitely have symptoms of something.  This hardly ever happens, but it doesn't matter, you can transmit herpes when you're not having an outbreak.  This is another reason why I don't have casual affairs.  If I am going to be with someone, it must be a serious, long-lasting bond, and that person must have a lot to gain from it, if they are going to take this risk of sharing a virus with me.  So every time I think about being with someone, it is a major big deal, not just something quick and easy and meaningless.

So I am thinking (or trying to think, in between the zaps) about what it would be like to start all over again, meeting new people, and trying to convince them that my strange beliefs are true, or else finding some way that we can ignore all of the strange problems in my life, while also not minding the fact that sooner or later they are inevitably going to catch some type of cold sores from me.

And I am thinking about him and his girlfriend, about how she's young, and she's normal, and they're probably going to be together for a long time.  Again, it's good for me to see the reality of it when they are talking to each other on FB, but the murderers won't let me accept reality and let go of him.  The murderers can't take 'no' for an answer.  He's said 'no' to me too many times in too many ways, and I am trying to be realistic and let go.

It's impossible for anybody to quickly learn to believe everything that I believe in just a couple weeks.  It took me DECADES to reach the beliefs that I have right now, about everything, about the government, about money, about reality, about mind control, chemicals, food, medicine, culture, physical appearance - everything.  Anybody who joins me must be committed to being with me for a long time so that they can understand the things that matter to me.

If I tried to meet someone for a casual affair, I would have to simply NOT TELL THEM *ANYTHING* about who I am, what I believe, what I care about, and all that.  It's just too much for them to accept in such a short time when they won't even be with me for very long.  Not only that, but I can't imagine a short-term relationship.  Anytime I've ever had a short relationship, it was short because there was something so badly wrong with it that we couldn't stand to be together.  I've had a couple of brief encounters in my lifetime where I only saw a guy once or twice, and we had so little of a connection with each other that it wasn't worth trying to see each other again.  So 'short-term' also means 'not very good' or 'not even worth bothering with.'  I can't imagine a relationship that was enjoyable, and also short-term.  If it's enjoyable, you keep doing it for as long as you can.

I would have to find somebody who was extremely tolerant and able to ignore all of my weirdness without understanding it.  However, those are the type of people who are usually unattractive to me.  They're ignoring MY weirdness because there is something so badly wrong with THEM that they're desperate for anything resembling a female and they'll ignore any weirdness as long as they can find somebody to have sex with.  I can easily find a million desperate guys who will ignore my weirdness because they themselves are unattractive or have something wrong with them or have a boring personality or whatever.

It hurts to have to tell people about my strange problems over and over again.  Each time I do it, it's painful and it takes courage, and then I see their reaction, their 'That's weird' response, and I have to endure that again and again.  They also irritate me by trying to solve my problems for me without understanding them, by saying things like 'Can't you just do X?'  'No, I already tried X, it doesn't work.'  'Well then why not Y or Z?'  'No, Y and Z don't work either, I tried those, blah blah.'

I am thinking about what it would be like to go looking for somebody who had similar political beliefs, like anarchism or libertarianism - something where he felt like he was outside the system, aware of the system, feeling like an enemy of the system - somebody who understands what it's like not to fit in.  That's one reason why I was curious to find out what real-world enneagram type eights would be like, because I think they might be like that.  I think that a lot of the people I see on the dating websites are Nines.  There seems to be a huge number of male Nines looking for dates, but I could be wrong about that, it's just an impression.  And I make lots of mistakes when I talk about the enneagram, so I might change that statement later on.

I want to fall in love with someone, but I can't concentrate on the other person when I am being zapped.  I can't look into his eyes and feel deeply connected with him while also getting attacked and my brain being distracted every couple seconds.  I can't feel that connection, knowing that his soul is in there and it's alive and we are both here on earth in this lifetime.  I've felt that feeling, occasionally, for a millisecond or two, with a couple of different people at random moments throughout my life, but never for very long.  It requires silence, 'inner silence', the name I chose for myself on the dating website.

When you look into someone's eyes and you know that they know that everything matters, that your life matters, that your life and your freedom are important, that the things you care about are real and important and worth doing, that you are both fighting the same enemies, fighting the same battle -

- and with other people, the millions of people that I can find on the dating websites, those are people who are happy and content with the world being the way it is, and they don't know that there's anything wrong with the world at all.  They think it's fine to just live your life going to work and then coming home and watching television, and that's all there is to life, and that's the way it should be, because nothing is wrong with the world.

I guess I should go ahead and publish this because I'm running out of time on this login - I'm still at the library.

I want to find people who already understand that there's something wrong with the world, and that strange, unbelievable things are possible, and they really happen.