what I did today

7:47 PM 6/16/10

I did a couple of things today.

1. I caught a cold. No big deal.
2. I worked on putting my shielded box together, only to find that the ceiling tiles are so toxic, I can't handle them.
3. I set up my camera and moved the pictures to my laptop, and I attached the zip drive, so I will soon be able to upload pictures to the net again.

I put together the shielded box and tested my cell phone inside it. It wasn't closed off enough to block out the cell phone, which was disappointing. Last time I worked with the shielded box, I inhaled dust from the ceiling tiles, and the dust made me become very exhausted, and I got so tired I couldn't work on it anymore. So I wore a face mask this time, and gloves. However, the gloves kept getting ripped, because I was also using duct tape, so I spent some of the time with gloves off. Anytime my hands touched the ceiling tiles, I would get very tired only a few minutes after touching them. There is an unknown poison in them. This was very disappointing. I had to wash my hands several times, and I got tired and frustrated enough that I gave up. The poison made me feel hopeless and miserable. I wasn't able to persist in working on it long enough to get it to block out the cell phone. Every time I called my cell phone, it still rang. (I succeeded once, long ago, by putting my cell phone inside a small shoebox and covering the whole thing with foil - it wouldn't ring when I called it, that time, so I know it's ABLE to work if I seal it off well enough.)

After I gave up on the box, I decided I would work on the camera project. I found everything easily. I hooked up the camera and uploaded the pictures and videos, and there were over a hundred of them, because it had been so long since I could upload them. I have some videos of myself talking in glossolalia - I looked anxious and self-conscious. I have a video of the pouring rain on the day when I moved out of the duckpond house. I have a video of myself scraping at my dental fillings only to find that I could barely scratch them at all, and giving up on it. That's a long boring one in the middle, and I don't have video editing software, and the camera didn't come with any video editing software, so I can't shorten it. I took photos of my dreadlocks and my armpit hair. Armpit hair is one of the things that I tend to take pictures of, because I can take an erotic photo while still being fully dressed, and technically, it doesn't violate any 'no pornography' rules, but it is still definitely erotic. In some of them I was ghostly white because of the weather outside today - I stood next to a window, and it's all white and cloudy in the sky, and that was the only light I was using, so I look like a cold white glowing ghost with warm yellow lights in the background.

I am sick after touching the ceiling tiles and also touching the boxes of computer gear and stuff while searching for my camera accessories. My lungs got irritated and now I'm coughing and almost gagging, because of my cold, and because of any dust that I've stirred up. I hardly ever get colds, so this is very unusual. So I'm not feeling very well.

It was reassuring to look at myself on video. I can see the Weston Price jaw deformity, but it's not too awful, and I like my eyes. After all this 'rejection' crap going on, I want to be reassured.

The voices keep telling me repeatedly NOT to believe the email that I got from MySpace. Some of them swear that it was meant as a joke. Some of them say he wrote it but he was forced to write it as a puppet, thinking it was a joke, while 'they' knew that I would take it badly. Some of them claim he didn't send it at all, and it was sent by someone else entirely. And then, I can't help wondering if he actually sent it himself, and meant it. I will just do whatever is necessary. I will try to talk to him again whenever I can.

****
The voices were making a joke today, saying that he had something called 'PERD', Positive Emotional Response Disorder. The joke was that, with this disorder, you show positive emotional responses to people when actually you hate them and they disgust you. That was because I said that I often saw him responding positively to me, but actually, I didn't want to misinterpret that, because he might respond that way to everybody, since he's just a friendly person. The joke only made me feel a LITTLE bit better, because I know from my own experience that, when I'm on drugs, I can be friendly to ANYONE, and there would be guys who really did disgust me, but they would get the idea that they could try getting me to go out with them and have sex with them, and I really didn't want to, and it was because the drugs made me extra-friendly to everybody in general. So it REALLY IS possible that he thinks I'm creepy and ugly and crazy, or scary or dangerous or whatever, but he's still being nice to me, if he uses any kind of drugs at all (or is exposed to drug residues).

Also, they have told me several times they think he's an enneagram type Five, not a Six. I think I might agree with that. There are a lot of reasons why I agree. He seems to be sensitive to rejection, and the Five is a 'rejected' or 'ambivalent' type. He's interested in 'goth' type things, and I'm not going into detail right now because I think I'm being attacked, and I'm uncomfortable, so I'm going to just post this the way it is... I can talk about it some other time.