almost passing out. and, an UNpleasant surprise.

9:04 AM 6/4/10

Last night I went to the emergency room. It started when I was at work and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I felt weak and my head was dizzy. So I went over to the pharmacy and took my blood pressure at that little place where you sit down and put your arm in the cuff. It was 98/69, which is slightly low, but not extremely low. Anything less than 100 for the first number is sort of unusual. So I tried to do some weird things to treat it, like eating a packet of salt, one of those little packets up where you get the sauces and stuff to put on the chicken. That actually helped a little bit. But the passing-out feeling kept coming back. I still stayed to the end of my shift, but when I went to McD, I was continuing to get more sick and tired, and so I told them I wanted to go home. First they couldn't find anyone, but then someone did come in to replace me, and it was a guy that they all complain about how bad of an employee he is, and I was extremely grateful, so to me, he isn't that bad of an employee if he's able to come in and substitute for someone who's sick.

So I left, and went home, and did the thing that I thought I had to do: I changed clothes and took a shower. I thought I was having a chemical sensitivity reaction to my clothing, because that happens so often. But it was scary driving home because I still kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I wasn't sure if it was my uniform. I thought I might have something else, an infection - I actually thought I might have toxic shock syndrome because I was on my period, and that wasn't likely but the thought kept occurring to me. So I went to the hospital after that.

I sat there all night and had blood drawn to look for an infection or anything else unusual. I fell asleep in the room where I was staying, but then 'they' woke me up and started causing a twitchy feeling in my legs and I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally they got back to me and told me that the blood test was normal, there were no signs of an infection, and by that time, I was feeling almost normal again because it helped as soon as I changed clothes and took a shower. So I think I was having the chemical sensitivity problem again. And it would be because I did the laundry and washed my uniforms. I am going to have to wash them again. I know it sounds strange, but washing the clothes will spread something all over them if there is anything on them at all that I'm reacting to, so washing them can actually make it worse.

So I didn't work last night, which is why I'm awake and blogging now. And I go online to send a message to my friend and ask about his jail thing and then I see some crap is going on with him and his girlfriend. I am not asking about it for a while because I think it could be some kind of misunderstanding or something temporary.

There is this feeling I have, looking at myself: it's like there's another person inside me, eagerly watching over them, like a predator, like a hawk, and getting my hopes up every time there's a problem. That's not the right attitude to have whenever HIS happiness is important, and I'm not supposed to be sitting here hoping to jump in the instant they break up or have a fight or something. What matters is whether he is happy and having a peaceful relationship, and it doesn't matter that I am jealous about it.

My first reaction when I saw that something was going on was, 'Oh no.... What is this?' Not only that, but I wonder whether she is being forced to do something because I am complaining about them, and 'they,' somebody, decided to intervene. So if 'they' are intervening and making things happen, then it's NOT legitimate at all. Just because I am complaining doesn't mean that I want people breaking them up or forcing them to have some kind of a fight. That is the WORST possible thing anybody could do.

I would rather be jealous and envious about them, and I would rather feel hurt and sad, but know that he is happy. That's why I'm blogging about it and complaining in THIS place, instead of complaining directly to him about it - for instance, telling him he should break up with her and go out with me or something. If somebody is forcing her to do something to him, that is the WORST thing they could do and it is NOT 'helpful' to me. I want him to be happy. That means he needs a stable relationship that lasts a long time, someone he can see whenever he wants to and not have to worry about 'breakups.'

There is one bad thing about being young, which is that breakups seem like - I don't know how to say this. I remember when I was with Terry, he was always breaking up and getting back together with me over and over again. Why bother breaking up, when you always get back together again? Just wait a while and have faith, instead of SAYING you're broken up when you're actually still together and just having some kind of a fight. There's no reason to even say you're broken up. I don't even know what 'broken up' means.

That's why I'm not jumping in and getting all hopeful and excited like 'Yes! They're broken up! He's mine!' because I'm not expecting that they're actually broken up for real. To me it looks like they're having some kind of temporary fight or misunderstanding. I don't know what happened and I'm not asking. 'They' only want me to say that I am still here and I am still his friend, which is true. I'm still working at the same two jobs and I'm still living at this same apartment for an unknown length of time. I am not going anywhere.

Oh my gosh. I just remembered something. THAT'S what the voices meant when they said I was going to get a 'pleasant surprise.' You call that a 'pleasant surprise?' Is that how it is? So, watching him suffer is a 'pleasant surprise?' That is not a pleasant surprise to me.