more about curtis

11:06 AM 6/14/10

I have slept a few hours. The drug outbreak that I'm dealing with right now will continue affecting me on and off over the next few weeks. I tried ordering new uniforms for McDonald's, but I had to order them through the manager at the store, and he either had a major problem with ordering the stuff (he claimed he tried to order a bunch of things a while back, and kept promising them, but they never came, and he said there was a technical difficulty with ordering them - not just my uniforms, but a bunch of equipment for the store). So I am going to wait a while for new McD uniforms. I opened up a new Weis uniform, though, and my blood pressure problem hasn't been so bad.

Okay, so I will be acting strange for a while. I have to clean it up and patch up at the house, too. And I had to talk to voices this morning and they claim they don't believe that drug residues are real.

Curtis: He is a fetal alcohol syndrome baby. His mother didn't know she was pregnant, and she was drinking a lot at the time. By the time she found out she was pregnant, it was too late. So he grew up with some learning disabilities, and he is small for his age, being shorter and skinnier than many other guys his age. In person, in a conversation, he seems normal, and has a sweet, gentle, quiet way of talking, at least, that's how I feel when I listen to him. Women seem to like him. Men like him too, but it's particularly women, who seem to feel protective towards him. He has difficulty with math and spelling. I think he could have learned it, except that the school system doesn't teach very well, and he might have had bad experiences with people calling him names or something - I don't like seeing his girlfriend labeling him 'the dumbass' in that picture. Anyway, he said he had to take all the 'retard' classes in school, and he dropped out of high school without finishing.

He also seems to have problems with 'errors of judgment,' but I'm not sure how to describe this. I read about it when I was reading about fetal alcohol syndrome. They said that FAS people tended to do dangerous, risky things. He drives without a seat belt, and he's also done some drunk driving, and not cared whether he lives or dies, and maybe reckless driving while sober, too - I don't know for sure, and I worry - it might not happen very often, I hope.

About his reading ability: He can read. He has trouble spelling. He might possibly have difficulty reading new, unfamiliar, large words, but he is able to read common words. 'They' started talking about illiteracy when his friend, Chris, was working with us, and Chris has Tourette's syndrome along with Klinefelter's syndrome, and Chris openly admitted that he couldn't read. He had to ask me several times what my name was, and apologized, saying that he could not read my name tag. Chris had a job coach working with him to help. At that time, 'they' got the idea that Curtis might also have reading difficulties that were more severe than I thought. He admitted it, he admitted that he was in the 'retard' classes in school, but he *seemed* to be able to read and wasn't as bad off as Chris.

However, I've sent him text messages, and also given him handwritten notes in the past. And I was having a major outburst of voices talking about it this morning: they were shouting that they had told them, over and over again, that he wouldn't understand the notes and text messages, but that I was forced against my will to try giving them to him anyway.

Someone responded to my text messages, but only a couple times, and once, it seemed like him. Another time, it seemed like we either got interrupted by a hacker, or else Curtis himself didn't understand what was happening, and possibly wasn't able to understand the text message that I had sent. A couple times it seemed like he understood parts of my text messages, but not the whole thing. The 'interrupted by a hacker' incident was the day when he still asked me if I had a note for him, when the text messages had told me to stop giving them (or, rather, they told me to stop SOMETHING, but didn't say what - it wasn't clear).

He might not be able to read a lot of words very quickly, but can do okay if he has enough time and isn't in a hurry. He also might have trouble understanding large, complex sentences with a lot of grammatical parts to them, like if you make a sentence that says 'IF something... blah blah, comma, semicolon, then maybe blah blah, comma, or else something else.' A big sentence with lots of logical parts that depend on each other and have to be figured out. Everyone has trouble understanding those, but if you have a learning disability, it's even harder, it takes longer, and you might get frustrated more easily.

When I gave him the note saying I loved him, he responded over the next few days by giving me the secure, pleasant feeling when I was with him, and calling me his nickname. He responded as though he liked it and was happy about it. He continued looking me in the eye, looking happy to see me, and being friendly. He didn't give 'ick' vibes and didn't give 'yuck, leave me alone' vibes.

He has learned over time that I am sensitive, easily hurt, and afraid of being rejected. For example, I went up and was asking him about his court case, a few weeks ago. This was the day that his girlfriend came up to us and hugged him while he was there with me, and I walked away. Before that, we were talking, and he said something that I misunderstood - he said, 'I'm so busy I don't have time for anything,' or something like that, and I thought he meant he wanted me to leave so that he could do his work, and I started to walk away. 'No,' he said, 'I didn't mean you have to leave.' He told me he meant, everything in his life was busy, in general. So he stopped me from walking away, understood that I had felt 'rejected,' and told me it was okay, I didn't have to leave. He notices how I'm feeling when we talk, and he responds to it with kindness, and has done this several times.

I had voices telling me that he thought *I* rejected *HIM* in an email incident. Meanwhile, I thought he rejected me in the email. I don't know what is true. It was on MySpace. I was friends with him for several days on MySpace. His profile is private, but I can remember things I saw on his page, so I could prove that I really was there and I saw it. (You can only see the page if you become his friend, or if you're a hacker who can see things that you break into, but I am not able to do that, and I also don't want to do it.) I sent him an email on MySpace asking him which email was the best one for him to use, because I had tried already to send him an email on Facebook asking about the DUI and had not gotten an answer, and I didn't know if he went to FB very often, or not very often. I wanted to know if he had a favorite one that he would check most often. I know how it is when there's a web page that you use a little bit, but you usually prefer to use some other website instead.

In reply to this question on MySpace, I got an email from him saying, (and these are not exact words - I would have to read them again) 'Look ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for a while like a year or 2.' When I read this, I felt a flush of fear and sickness and felt like I was going to pass out. I don't think it was a fake feeling - I wasn't attacked - this is how it feels when someone you love rejects you, and it's a shock and you weren't expecting it, and it happens all of a sudden. It was a real feeling.

I got voices afterwards saying, 'No... no....' and they were talking about not eating bone marrow. It was like bone marrow poisoning, a traumatized feeling, an injury to your own bones, a psychological injury that triggers the same feelings as a physical trauma. 'Bone marrow' was also referring to the fact that his screen name was 'skellator'. I'd have to look it up, but I think I remember 'Skeletor' from the He-Man cartoon and toys. They were warning me not to believe whatever it was that I had read.

I've had to reject people sometimes, in the past. Every now and then I have had to clearly tell a guy to leave me alone, to stop calling me on the phone, and that kind of thing. When I did this, I survived, and so did the guy. So in some of my notes that I've written, and in the text messages I sent to Curtis, I tried telling him several times, 'If I make you uncomfortable, if you feel like you're being sexually harassed, then I want you to TELL ME and make it clear that you want me to leave you alone.' I told him I wanted him to TALK TO ME about it, and we would decide what I was allowed to do, and what I wasn't allowed to do. If he wanted me to stop sending him emails, then I would stop - that kind of thing. But I wanted to TALK ABOUT IT. And not only that, I told him I had computer hackers messing with my emails and text messages, and so, if we had anything important to talk about, we should talk about it in person.

That's what I replied to his rejection letter. I said to him, that I had a problem with people hacking my email and saying hurtful things to me, and telling me lies. So, I said, if you have to reject me, if you want me to leave you alone, I want you to talk to me in person about it, in the real world, and I want you to tell me what's okay, and what isn't okay. And if you can't say it, then write it. I told him that I would have trouble believing him if he wrote it in email, because of the hackers. And that's true, I can't help it: I will always disbelieve the things sent to me in email, when there are people attacking me, hurting me, lying to me, manipulating me, and controlling me like a puppet, using many methods, not just on the computer, but with electronic attacks as well.

He de-friended me, and of course, didn't send any more replies to that email.

Once, he told me he was texting Becka, another lady who worked in the bakery, until just recently when she had her baby and she's taking time off work now. She is a 'tough' woman, protective and strong, and she's one of the women who seemed to love him the way I do. Once, she went back to the back room looking for him, but he was standing next to me talking to me, and she said in a hurt voice, 'Curtis... what are you DOING???' and when I saw her, I left him and I walked away with my head down, looking at the floor, and I left them alone. He told me he was texting her, once, and she suddenly stopped answering, and he wondered if she was mad at him. I said, 'Maybe you got hacked.' He didn't comment about that, so I don't know if he knew what I meant or if he agreed or disagreed with it. He never mentioned it again, so I don't know what happened.

Another time with Becka happened when Curtis came up to talk to me because I hadn't seen him in several days - I took a vacation - and during my vacation, Becka became temporarily his best female friend at work, more than usual, because I usually spent time talking to him, but I was gone - and so, he came up to the pizza counter to talk to me, and Becka walked up behind him, trying to get his attention, interrupting us, and, it hurt me to see this, he was holding a piece of cardboard in his hand, and he swung it towards her in a 'get away' gesture, like she was being a nuisance by interrupting him at that moment. My thought was, I hope I am never in that position. This type of incident tells me that several different women are usually competing to get his attention. I get that feeling from many different women who talk to him at work.

I have worried a lot that he has difficulty saying 'no' and being cruel and ruthless and strong about it - he doesn't like to say 'no' in a permanent way and cut someone off. So I am concerned that I myself would violate him, take advantage of him, or make him uncomfortable, because he is kind and gentle to women - he always has been to me, anyway - and he doesn't like to make them go away permanently. So, in the texts and the notes, I asked him, more than once, to please tell me, please make it clear to me, please be specific and be strong about it, if you need to say 'no' to me.

Cutting off an email, and refusing to talk, is the opposite of that: it causes me to become frustrated and EVEN MORE intent on talking to him to find out what's wrong. It doesn't push me away, it makes me want to rush up to him and ask him what's going on. Frustrating me by refusing to talk makes everything worse. So I asked him, again and again, in several letters, please talk to me about this, be open and direct and truthful - please say 'NO' in a clear, obvious way, if I do anything that bothers you.

But he never did, and he never answered some of the direct questions that I asked in the notes. I asked him to please reply, but he didn't. I needed to know what kind of relationship I could have with him, and I told him it was very important for us to talk openly about this. He never did. 'They,' the voices, the murderers, REALLY ARE forcing me to be obsessed with him, and if I try to mentally and emotionally disconnect, if I try to let go, they FORCE me to think about him over and over again. *I MYSELF* am *NOT* just 'obsessed' with him in a natural, real-world way. This is a FAKE obsession. That is the reason why I insisted that he please, please tell me a clear, direct answer to my questions, so that I could be strong, and I could fight back against the murderers if they forced me to keep bugging him when he wanted to be left alone. The murderers ALWAYS make me believe that he 'needs' me, that he is somehow 'in danger,' that he is vulnerable, that he will feel hurt if I abandon him and reject him and neglect him. I fight against them and I try to tell them that they are lying to me, that he will be just fine without me, that he doesn't need me, that he has LOTS of other friends and female friends, that he can find a date easily, that lots of women are attracted to him and would love to go out with him. That is the reason why I begged him, several times, *PLEASE* make a strong boundary, TELL me the exact details of what I can and can't do. Is it okay to touch? How often? How much? Where? Can I talk to you in front of other people? Can I talk to you at work? Can I call you on the phone?

He doesn't understand about the hackers and about what a terrible problem they are. You CAN'T just ignore and avoid someone who is trying to contact you, because the hackers and the murderers have done EXACTLY that same thing. The hackers will intercept people's emails and phone calls - they've done it to me - so, somebody can really be in love with you, they could really, really want to talk to you, they could be pouring out their soul to you in emails, they could be begging you to respond - but the hackers intercept all their letters, and YOU are thinking, 'wahh, he rejected me,' when that's totally false, and just the opposite is true.

I tried, and tried, to explain this to him, in the notes and in the text messages. And I think he doesn't understand, partly because of his reading difficulties. I feel desperate now to get SOMEONE to understand it, because 'they' have been forcing the obsession a lot lately, especially since his girlfriend is abusing him - I don't know what she's doing, but I assume that she's refusing to have sex with him, or refusing to touch him, or refusing to sleep in bed with him - she's doing SOMETHING to reject him and control him. So 'they' have been forcing me to obsess about him, as though I would be able to 'jump in' because his girlfriend is 'broken up' with him, when in fact, she isn't really broken up, she's just torturing him.

Not only that, but I wonder if the murderers have done something fake, some puppet incident, to force them to break up. It happened RIGHT AT THE MOMENT when I started looking at the dating website again. It was, like, the very same day, almost. I started to give up on him, and was going to try going to the dating website, and then, they broke up, and she wrote it on Facebook, and Curtis started acting miserable and depressed. And in the past couple days he changed his picture to the crying picture - he has a picture of his son, and his son looks so much like him that I thought at first it was a baby picture of Curtis - the corner of his mouth looks the same, when it curls up a little bit into a smile - and the guy who I guess is his father, Chad, also has the corners of his mouth like that. And Caden has the same brown eyes as Curtis. He looks like him. So he has a photo of Caden crying - I always wondered what Caden was crying about when the picture was taken, but, you know, babies just cry sometimes, so it could have been anything. He put that picture up as his profile on Facebook, now, and I can't ignore that, but apparently, his girlfriend is ignoring it.

I looked at the lyrics to one of his favorite bands, Alesana. I had never heard of them before, since I never hear much REAL music, especially since I'm on dialup and I don't get music online. The lyrics are passionate and emotional and intense, and the genre was called 'Screamo' on Wikipedia when I read about them - same thing as 'emo', but they are screaming the song instead of singing. I heard screaming music a long time ago, so I'm familiar with it, but usually I don't listen to anything like that - I have some hearing problems, and can't usually hear the lyrics to songs anyway, and I can't understand them at all if they're screaming - but I listened to a little bit of it at the library.

It made me feel like I myself was screaming. I could feel myself wanting to scream along with them, if I knew the words. You could drive your car and scream while the CD played. I've screamed in my car before, but it's usually been because of drug-induced mood swings, and the rest of the time, I'm usually calm, even when bad things are happening. Only drug-induced mood swings are intense and long-lasting enough to make me do stuff like driving my car and screaming. But I've done it before. So when I listen to this music, I can understand why he would like it.

Anyway, because of all this, 'they' have been forcing me to obsess about him, and to worry about him, because of whatever is going on with his girlfriend. So it's much worse than usual. And I really was thinking about going back to the dating website and trying to meet people again, and the day that I looked at it was almost the exact day that they 'broke up.'

I'm looking at my sentences, with the commas, and the grammar, and how the crucial words might be spaced far away from other words they're connected to. I can understand all of this easily, because my short-term memory keeps track of the parts of the sentence. But what if someone had a learning disability, and their short-term memory struggled to understand one part of the sentence while the rest of the sentence kept going? Sentences would have to be short, clear, and use common words, and avoid having long, complex grammar. Writing style would have to be very clear to speak to someone with reading difficulties. But my writing style is destroyed by the mind-murderers, especially if I am writing an emotionally intense letter while under the influence of drugs - the murderers put words and phrases in my head, claiming that they're 'trying to help,' but they give me a fake writing style that is not my own, and they say things that I myself would never say, like 'how are you doing?' I never, never ask that question. But the murderers sometimes force me to say that. They do things like that when I try to write him letters, too. They won't let me be myself, my real self. I want him to know and love the REAL ME. If he doesn't know and love ME, then it's not a real relationship.

It just seems like there would be a lot of stuff that he would misunderstand, or partially understand but not completely. He can read, as I said, but he does have real learning disabilities, and I don't know how bad it is for him. So, as I said, I've been desperately trying to warn him about certain things, and tell him about certain things, in the notes, in my blog, and in text messages to him, but I can't verify how much, or how little, he actually understands. And the more 'they' force me, the more scared I get. I don't want to be accused of sexual harassment, or any kind of harassment at all. And I can't protect myself against the drug residues. They make me into an easily controlled puppet.

I think I am going to quit here and just publish this as it is. There will be more later.