To the kinky pack leader

8:52 PM 6/15/10

To the kinky pack leader:

Do you ever wonder if you're the rotten apple, or the apple at the top of the tree? I wondered it.

You wanted to advise me about my hair. I am a hair expert. I can advise you.

If you want to see a guy's mouth drop open, and his head turn to watch you walk by, then you need to grow ass-length hair. No more of this cutting, trimming, and styling nonsense. I have seen them do it. They turn to look and their mouths drop open. Total strangers on the street. You could have that effect too. Don't let anyone fool you into believing the 'too long' myth. The longer it is, the better. Some people will tell you your hair is too long, because they've tried to grow long hair, but theirs won't grow long. And yours is thicker than my hair, so yours would grow much longer than mine. Yours might even grow to knee length or ankle length. Mine only grows to hip length, which is why I'm experimenting with dreadlocks, to see if the locks make it grow longer than that. Unfortunately, I don't feel as pretty with my dreadlocks, but I'm getting used to them. I can comb them out if I ever decide I don't want them anymore, so I still have all the options.

Don't worry about trimming split ends. Just use a wide-toothed comb, and stop using a brush - brushes cause the ends to split much more than a wide-toothed comb does. If you don't brush it, you won't need to ever trim the split ends at all. Yours would grow very fast and very thick. Guys will turn to look at you as your hair waves and ripples when you move. Short hair can't wave and ripple.

Doing it on the kitchen table is only barely scratching the surface of kinkiness. If you want to be really kinky, stop shaving your pits. Guys will beg you to let them lick your hairy armpits. Trust me, I've seen it. They do. That's what hairy armpits were designed for, before humans decided to destroy their own sexual attractiveness, for whatever reason, by cutting and shaving every hair off their bodies.

And make sure never to pluck your eyebrows. Have you seen his ex-girlfriend? Of course you have. The most beautiful girl on earth. (If only they hadn't pulled out her teeth. I cried when he told me about that. Nobody knew about the Weston Price diet when she was pregnant.) She has thick, dark eyebrows. Don't be fooled by the pluck-your-eyebrows bullshit. Anyone who tells you to pluck yours is probably jealous of you because they've destroyed their own eyebrows so badly that they'll never grow back. I don't know if you've ever plucked yours, but if you have, now is a good time to stop.

I could tell you more, but that's probably enough for now.