growl

3:11 PM 6/8/10

The paperwork is done. I had to drive to McDonald's to pick up a bunch of direct deposit stubs that I had left there for a few weeks. (Would you believe me if I told you that, usually, I am perfectionistic about my bookkeeping, and I like to pay all my bills on time, and I enter my receipts into the books every week, along with my deposits, unless something happens to mess up my stuff, like, for instance, getting ephedra residues on it so that I avoid touching it anymore, and have to set up a new bookkeeping area to sit at where I won't be touching ephedra anymore - would you believe it?) I found another bunch of pay stubs from Weis, and I found my most recent bank statement, and I took them to the landlady. Then I filled out some forms where I answered 'no' on almost everything, which made it very quick and easy. Then I left. That's all.

My friend's 'ex' girlfriend is now bragging about some 'boy toy' she has. I assume it's him, but she has to dehumanize him because she doesn't want to admit that she really NEEDS him, so he's just a 'toy,' not something real, like a human being, that she has to treat with respect. When I saw 'boy toy,' I wanted to growl at the computer screen. I have to read what she says, but I don't like it. It either makes me want to cry, growl, or scowl, depending on my mood. She doesn't know how to treat guys with respect because she is young, or at least, that's how I understand it. I guess there are older women who still don't know how to treat guys with respect, too, though. This is the one thing that I can offer which is different from what other girls offer him - I try to treat guys with respect, and don't call them 'boy toy.'

Oh, to be young and feel love's keen sting.

I emailed her to ask about their breakup, and she replied and said he had to figure some things out before she would date him again. She didn't say what he had to figure out. Apparently she's punishing him for something, and he has to learn his lesson, or some crap like that - and no, those weren't her words, and she didn't say that, I'm just interpreting it. I emailed her again, and told her that yes, I am interested in him and would like to go out with him, and I also said that I want him to be happy, so that means he needs a stable relationship with someone who isn't always breaking up and getting back together with him. Haven't gotten a reply to that one yet, and I'm expecting there probably won't be one. But, now she knows that yes, I DO like him as 'more than just a friend.' I like to think that this would encourage her to get back together with him, if she knows that I am a threat, if she knows that other women like him too (I can think of several women who seem to like him).

I have conflicting feelings. I want him to be happy, because I care about him as a person. That means I want whatever he wants. If he wants to be with her, if that makes him happy, I want him to have that. But I also want him for myself - however, that probably won't make him happy. My life is not a happy life - not right now, anyway. And this is going to sound technical, but I really do think that Myers-Briggs personality types matter a lot in romantic love, and I think that he and I have a similar, or the same, Myers-Briggs type: I think he's an ISFP, probably. That is why we feel like 'friends' or 'family,' because we are similar.

You tend to feel a strong attraction to complementary types (your opposites), according to the theories. SP and SJ types tend to work well together. This is a theory that I haven't tested very much. I thought that Peter was an SP, for a long time, but 'they,' the voices, the surveillance people who spend every hour of every day spying on people and watching and observing them - 'they' are much better than I am at the skill of recognizing people's personality types - 'they' are interested in knowing people's types so that they can understand and control them better. So they told me that Peter seems more like an SJ. That was unthinkable to me, because Peter has long hair, and I think of SJs as conformists who hardly ever wear non-mainstream hairstyles. This is why we have to have a religion that REQUIRES them to wear long hair, because there is no other way to guarantee that SJ types will wear the desired hairstyles. It has to conform instead of being a rebellion. Peter grew long hair as a rebellion, he said, and then he says he keeps it that way because his son recognizes him and is familiar with him looking the way he looks. So he's keeping it that way for his son. He shaves the top of his head (and I hate it) because his hair got thinner and was slightly balding on top. It doesn't look bad to me and I would rather he let the bald spot grow out and merge with the rest of his hair, but he doesn't care what I want - nobody EVER cares what I want.

The 'complementary types' theory is a little more complicated than it seems. S types stay with S types, and N types stay with N types. SP and SJ goes together, and NF and NT goes together, most strongly. If intuitives and sensors get together, they always feel like they don't understand each other very well. My best friend Rachael was probably an ENFP, and I always got a little bit bored and irritated when she started talking about the symbolism in the movies she watched and the mysterious synchronicities of life's coincidences. I listened to her, but I couldn't participate in the conversation very much. Her husband is probably an NT or NF like her, because she said they talked the same way and understood each other better than anyone had ever understood her. So you don't usually go to the opposite of your sensing/intuitive type - you stay with the same as yourself. I can listen to an intuitive talk about symbols and synchronicities, but I listen without being able to answer much.

Anyway, that was all to say that with my guy friend I feel 'brotherhood' because of our similar personality type - both of us SP artisans, and probably an ISFP to be more specific. His girlfriend is probably an SJ, probably ESJ, but I'm not sure if she's ESFJ or ESTJ. Whatever she is, he really loves her, and I know he does, and so I reluctantly have to hope for the best with their relationship, while hating it at the same time. This is some kind of torture for me.

That's all assuming that he is the 'boy toy' she's talking about. I don't know that for sure.

Today is bookstore day. I will go read The Subtle Knife again. I don't know if there's enough time to get back in my car and go on another wandering trip. I need to do some other projects, too, like go to Lowe's and find out the prices of some stuff. I need to hunt for the parts to my camera, the cable that connects it to the laptop, and the zip drive, and the zip disks, so that I can transfer pictures to my PC. They're in these boxes somewhere.

I have to grieve and let go of the guy obsession that's been going on - 'let the little kid die,' the voices said to me just now. It's not like letting him die. I've TRIED to get him to talk to me, and he won't, or else our emails and phone calls are being intercepted, either way we're not able to talk except at work. So I just have to wait until I see him at work again, and that's all I can do - I have no control over that.

I wrote down a lot of the incidents that he and I had, over a period of many months - I wrote them in my paper journal instead of writing them on the computer. I wrote down every time I could remember touching him. I wrote down other incidents that I enjoyed. I haven't written anything in a while, but when I did write those things down, I wrote every detail that I could remember. The last few months, I haven't recorded anything in detail. I don't have as many memorable incidents. I have to write them down and struggle to remember every word, every detail that happened. It's easier for me to remember the words that I said - I can't remember the words HE said. This is because of how my brain works. I remember things that I myself did, but I can't remember stuff that I HEAR. I can't remember the words people say. But if I do something myself, if I say the words, if I do something, it stays in my mind more easily. So I can write my own words exactly, but I have to paraphrase all the words that HE said. I don't like to write them inaccurately - I wish I could recall the exact words. So when I write dialogue, where he and I say things to each other, I can get my words exactly, but his words will be slightly wrong, paraphrased, estimated, with gaps and spaces and things left out, and phrased wrong. So his dialogue won't be realistic, but my own will be.

I've wanted to tell about the swords. I think I should make that a separate post. That was an incident that I wrote down in detail after it happened.