Bile; Writing too much and putting my foot in my mouth

12:51 PM 6/3/10

"The place is here, the time is now, and the journey into the shadows that we're about to watch, could be our journey."

It's been pretty bad the last few weeks. It's because of the chronic fatigue attack that I've been going through, where all I can bring myself to do is write. The coffee makes it worse, and the cream that I've been putting in the coffee makes it even worse on top of that. I'm finding that milk is an aphrodisiac for me. It's doing something to my hormones. That's making me grouchier, bitchier, meaner, and more obsessed with guys than usual. I want to know if it's milk by itself, or if it's something wrong with milk (like bovine growth hormone) that's causing this to happen.

So I wrote that blog where I was ripping a new one for my friend and his girlfriend. The last time I saw him, he flipped me off using a cigar instead of a middle finger. And he somehow did this left-handed, too. I'm not sure if I could move a cigar into the flipping-off position left-handed, and do this quickly and spontaneously, without dropping it on the floor, but he did. I was walking towards the door that goes into the back room area, and he was coming out that door. I thought I heard him say my name, but it was noisy and I've been having lots of hearing problems lately, too - ringing in my ears - and so I wasn't sure. I said, 'What?' and he looked at me and didn't say anything, and I said, 'Oh, I thought you said something,' and next thing I knew, he flipped me off with the cigar and kept walking, on his way outside to smoke. I was stunned and I didn't say anything back to him, and then I just went on. That was, I think, last Saturday when that happened. (It would be even more amusing if he really didn't flip me off, and I just interpreted it that way, and he actually just did that by accident, and was arguing and denying it - I could hear him saying that he never flipped me off.)

I shouldn't be complaining about him and his girlfriend; and not only that, but I shouldn't be attacking people for their Myers-Briggs types and enneagram types, when, 80% of the time, I'm wrong when I try to guess people's types, and not only that, but the Myers-Briggs type indicator is also wrong a lot of the time, too, if you take the test. If you ever see me saying that so-and-so is bad because of their personality type, or acts a certain way because of their type, that's about the same as calling somebody a racial slur or something, like the N-word. I say those things whenever I'm helpless. I'm helpless about the fact that he has a girlfriend and he wants to spend all of his time with her, and I'm helpless about other things like the 'evil scientists' who are attacking me - anything that hurts me, anything I can't change, makes me start insulting people's personality types because that's how I explain what they're doing. Anyway, probably all of the personality type labels that I said people had, were probably wrong, and not only that, I shouldn't use those labels as a weapon even if they were correct.

The coffee and milk make me sick at my stomach a little bit, and as I said, they do something to my hormones. I've been in a really bad mood for quite some time now - just grouchy and blurting things out that I shouldn't say. Milk, and coffee, are both on the list of foods to quit on the Feingold Diet. I usually can handle drinking coffee without milk. But when I add milk it definitely makes me more hyperactive, more ADHD, more impulsive, doing things without thinking first and then regretting them afterwards, especially saying hurtful or cruel things. If I get the chronic fatigue attack fixed, I will be able to stop drinking coffee again. That means fewer blogs, and they'll be less entertaining in some ways, but I'll also be less mean and grouchy, and less obsessed with guys.

I only got him on FB so that I could see news about whether he was going to jail. That was the reason why I did it. I still need to know that. I am still going to keep watching to see what's going on in his life, and I still want to know about it if it happens. But in order to see that, I have to watch all the other stuff too. (Although, I think some hacker might have spoofed his girlfriend and written fake things that she wouldn't say. I'm not sure, but something seemed out-of-character or different from everything else she had said before. I hope that this won't interfere with my getting news about his jail thing.)

So I guess it's possible that he reads this, since I did give him the URL in one of the notes. If he does then I'm sorry for saying negative things about him and his girlfriend. I get angry about the voices that I hear in my head though, I really do get very angry when they tell me things that I don't think are true. You should interpret it as me fighting with 'them,' instead of me fighting with the guy-friend who may or may not be reading my blog. It's just me fighting with my voices again. It isn't supposed to be directed at him personally.

I might possibly try to do the laundry today. I haven't washed my work uniforms in a shockingly long time, as in, maybe over a month. And that is because of the chronic fatigue, and the difficulty of choosing what to do with my time when I don't feel well and can barely bring myself to get up and go to work every day.

I was thinking about that cigar and how it takes a bit of skill to do that without dropping it. There was something else he did, but it was quite a while ago. Around Christmas time, they were selling chestnuts in the store. We were talking about chestnuts and I said that I didn't think I've ever eaten one, and I didn't know if I liked them or not. He offered me one. I started worrying about it because I didn't want us to get in trouble for taking them without paying for them. (Technically, I've eaten food from my department without paying for it, too, but I usually do it if it's something we're throwing away, like old pizza - not always, but it's usually just something very small, like a little piece of ham or something when I've sliced meat in the deli. So I guess a chestnut is something small too, but I was still worrying about it.) If I take anything I try not to let anyone see me, but we were standing right out in the open when he offered it to me. I would have at least liked to be a little sneakier.

So I said no, I wouldn't take it. And I was all acting scared and embarrassed about it and making a big deal out of it.

A few minutes later, he saw me again, and said, 'Look in your pocket.' I stuck my hand down into the right pocket of my smock. The pockets are big and they are on the front sides of the uniform, on our old uniforms, the red ones, before we switched to the new uniforms. So I stuck my hand in my pocket, and the chestnut was there. 'How did you do that?!!' I said. He walked away.

I followed him, walked up behind him, and started hitting him, all over his left arm and his left side, very hard, again and again. 'You can't DO that!' I said. I was excited, not because of 'stealing,' but because he had done something sneaky, and I admired his skill, and his hands had been close to my body and I didn't know it. He didn't say anything, but later on when he walked by he stuck his tongue out at me.

That's probably in the top three most enjoyable 'touch' incidents that I had with him.

Okay, I think that's it for this one.