weird dreams, skinny guys, new clothes

6:09 PM 6/28/10

Let's see if I can remember to write all the different things I was thinking of writing about.

the candle dream and the new pants
new uniforms
calling curtis
small guy taboo in men's clothes
a weird dream where people take things for granted
mcd manager

I've been hyperactive ever since this morning when I ate at The Waffle Shop. I don't know which food chemical made me feel that way, but I was so restless that I went on a long walk after I got out of the restaurant, and still, even now, at the end of the day, I'm hyper and restless and irritable. I didn't eat waffles. I ate eggs, rye toast, corned beef hash, cranberry juice, bacon, and tomato slices. Any of those things could have triggered the hyperactivity, but it probably wasn't the cranberry juice - I usually tolerate cranberry juice pretty well. This was a strong hyperactivity reaction that has lasted all day. I think it might be some preservative or nitrate in the corned beef hash, because that was the only unusual thing that I don't normally eat. The other foods are things that I have eaten other times recently and not had any problems with. It's been a very long time since I was this restless and hyper, so it has to be something I don't normally eat.

A weird dream: I didn't actually have a dream. I was just thinking about dreams in general. There is a dream where something really strange or scary is happening, but everyone around you thinks that it's normal, and nobody seems worried about it except you. Imagine that, for instance, you are in a society where people kill their best friends, and then go get a new best friend. (This is something the voices were talking to me about. I guarantee that it's going to have 'special meaning' or sexual symbolism to some reader or that somebody actually had this dream recently.) Everyone thinks this is normal except you. You see everyone doing it, and they act perfectly calm and happy and not upset about it at all. But it scares the crap out of you.

The interpretation for this dream is that it's symbolic for something that you feel like MIGHT kill someone, but it wouldn't really. You're terrified of doing something to your best friend, but in reality, it won't actually kill that person. You're just afraid that it will. Everyone else is acting like it's normal and okay, and they're not afraid of it, and that's supposed to tell you that there's a different way of looking at things. Maybe you're being afraid of something when there's no need to be afraid of it. Whatever you're afraid to do, it wouldn't actually kill that person.

So that's what the voices were talking to me about. I guess somebody out there actually had this dream. Like I said, I already know it's going to have a sexual meaning to somebody. Things like this always do.

Okay, the candle dream. Well, this has to do with my clothing. I am lucky about one thing: I think that I have a nice body. It doesn't make it easier for me to meet people, because there are so many OTHER things that get in the way. But I don't have the problem of feeling fat, or anything else like that. I only gain weight temporarily and lose it again, and it's usually a reaction to drugs.

So, I had a pair of pants that fit perfectly. I hate buying pants. But I have to buy new clothes often when old ones get contaminated. I can't keep using my favorite clothes for long. This is why I try to buy as many things from Goodwill as I can, at $0.29 if possible. I hate back pockets on pants, and I hate pants that are badly shaped, or that don't have any pockets on the side (the pockets that I actually USE), or that don't have belt loops, or have other strange 'fashion' designs that ruin the practical use of the clothing. I hate women's fashion and the stupid things they do. I want just a plain, simple, classic design that stays the same forever, something practical and functional.

Well, I had a perfect pair of pants, but I had to get new ones, because the perfect ones were gradually getting contaminated. So I got some badly-fitted ones at Goodwill, and I go through lots of badly-fitted Goodwill pants, and I don't really think much about it.

However, as soon as I put on the badly fitted pants, 'they' gave me a dream that night. There was a 'bird,' which means a girl or female (in the slang of England, that's what a bird is, or at least it used to mean that). The 'bird' was flying around with a 'candle' on its lower back, and the candle means 'hot' or 'flame'. But the bird was trying to light the candle, and it wouldn't light, so it wasn't 'hot.'

When they woke me up from the dream, they were asking me why the bird's ass wasn't hot anymore. Another voice explained that it happened because I was wearing a badly fitted pair of pants that hung down too loosely so you couldn't see my butt anymore.

When I was in fifth grade, I had a crush on this kid in my class, and I think he must have had a little crush on me, too, but we were too scared to get together. He told me (all the way back in fifth grade) that I had a 'bubble butt.' I didn't know what he meant at first. He meant that it sticks out. It does stick out just a little bit, enough to be noticeable. It always has.

So I was wearing a different pair of pants just recently, and they're not very well fitted either. They're temporary, and I'm trying to find better ones. However, I had voices talking to me last night, and they said, 'Oh my gosh, you can see right through those!' And other voices were saying 'Those pants are very... thin.' It is actually a thin fabric. I wasn't intentionally wearing see-through pants, but apparently they are.

I'm trying to find some that fit well and that aren't see-through.

I bought some fake uniforms today. My imitation Weis uniform is way too big. I don't really NEED a fake Weis uniform, because I'm allowed to order new uniforms myself - I talked to them on the phone about it and the lady told me how to order them. But I definitely need new fake McD uniforms, because I'm not allowed to order my own McD uniforms - only the store manager can do it, and they say he supposedly ordered lots of stuff, but it's been months since he supposedly ordered it, and nothing has come in, so I don't believe he ever will. So I got my own fake McD uniforms too.

The fake Weis shirt came from the men's section at Wal-Mart. It's HUGE. It comes down to my mid-thighs, almost to my knees. It was the smallest size. And the size says 'Medium.' Often, I've noticed that men's clothing doesn't start with the size 'small.' It starts with 'medium' as the smallest size. I think this is because it's insulting to call a guy 'small.' What guy wants to be labeled 'small?'

I talked about this already. I wrote about mainstream pornography and the skinny guys taboo. You can't find any porn with small, skinny guys in it, for those of us who love small, skinny guys. All the men are big and muscular, and I don't like that type at all. I didn't know there was anything that unusual about this until I started hearing voices calling me a pedophile (and then I found out there are other words like 'hebephile' and 'ephebophile' for liking young teens or older teens). I actually agreed with them - I'm not really attracted to fully grown men anywhere near as much as I like small, skinny teenagers. But the mainstream world doesn't understand that 'small' isn't a bad thing. And they also don't seem to know that female perverts exist: they believe that only MEN can be perverts and pedophiles, not women. So, the 'small guys' taboo exists in men's clothing too, and everything starts with 'medium' size. (Note, I DID find a few things that were called 'small,' but lots of things start with medium.)

*******

I told the store manager at McD that I was interested in becoming a manager. I've worked for McD since 2005, although there were a few times when I took time off work, and a while when I was fired and didn't get rehired for a year or so. I've had enough experience and knowledge that it's reasonable for me to try to become a manager.

He told me that I had to talk to Jodi about it, and that he would talk to her for me. Immediately, I felt distrust. What if he didn't talk to her? What if he didn't report back to me? And somebody else was standing there, and they said, 'You could call her cell phone.' But the store manager didn't want me to call her on her cell phone. That made me feel even more distrusting: why CAN'T I just talk to her myself? Why do I have to wait for him to do it?

But then, I got an explanation later. Jodi is on vacation right now. So, there is an actual reason to leave her alone and not bug her with work-related questions while she's trying to relax. I agreed with that, so I programmed an alarm into my cell phone to remind me again, a few weeks from now when she's back from vacation, to ask about it again, and try to talk to her.

*******

With new uniforms, my drug-induced behavior and drug-induced moods should stop, and I should go back to my normal self. That means I will be quiet, withdrawn, and not friendly. Fewer people will talk to me. I won't be smiling. It also means that I won't have the guts to do things like go up to Curtis and pat him on the back. But if I can't do it while I'm sober, then I shouldn't be doing it at all.

The other day I had the guts to ask again if I could call him on the phone. He gave me a number to call, told me that I could call today (Monday), and that if he didn't answer, he was probably asleep. I called, and got routed to a voice mail, the kind where it isn't the person's own voice, but instead it's just the generic female recording. I left a message and said I'd try calling back later. Then I went out shopping, and the afternoon was over, and I didn't think I should call him during dinnertime, and now, it's evening, and he usually does things with his real-world friends in the evening, if I understand correctly, so now doesn't feel like a good time to call either. I told him he could call me back, but I haven't gotten a message from him.

I told him, at work, that I wanted to talk and get everything out in the open because I didn't want things like that email incident to happen again ('Look, ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for like a year or 2'). That's why I want to get everything out in the open, so that I don't get conflicting messages, like him coming up to me and using the f-word and calling me affectionate nicknames while standing very close to me, and then, on the other hand, getting an email like that, and my phone calls not being returned and all my text messages not being answered. That is what I tried to explain to him.

And I can't know whether he's just not returning my call, or if the murderers are interfering with my phone calls, and I will have to ask him if he got my message, next time I see him. I tried to explain about the murderers, and I didn't call them 'the murderers,' I just said 'some people' were messing with me, hacking my computer and harassing me, so I never knew if emails were received or not. I gave him that explanation, but I don't know if he believes me. I wrote that in a handwritten note, I think.

That's all I can think of that I was going to write about.