clueless

9:49 PM 6/2/10

I finished getting the car fixed today. They had to order a new bumper, which is why I had to wait a week, but we got most of the repairs done last week. I'm still having problems with sleeping too much. I will get it fixed, but right now, it's still happening, and so, when I got home from the car place, I slept again.

They woke me up arguing over letting go of the attempts to get with my friend at work. Again, I will tell you that *THEY* are the stupid ones who can't face reality and let go. I knew it was impossible from the beginning and I never would have even tried. I can list a thousand reasons why it was impossible and yet they STILL insist that I have to keep trying to get him instead of going after someone who will actually be with me.

I'm not idealizing him, but he IS attractive and popular, and people his own age like him, and he fits in easily and meets people easily and can get along with people his own age. He is always dating someone, and doesn't have any trouble getting girls. Even little girls love him - Christina's little daughter, she's like three or four or something, a little toddler, she shouts out his name when she sees him, she's so delighted to see him. (They used to live next door to each other.)

He is not going to choose the difficult choice of listening to me and my scary interpretation of the world, when he can go home and sleep with his girlfriend, and when we were talking just now as I was lying in bed, they called her 'his clueless, brainless, mainstream girlfriend,' and they are going to choose a life of working all day and then going home and doing stuff like watching TV together or sleeping together, and not doing anything more than that, ever, and not ever knowing that there is something terribly wrong with the world, and not ever feeling like outsiders. He wanted to go into the military! He BELIEVES all the mainstream crap that they say about how the military is an honorable profession and there's nothing wrong with going and doing that. He's not going to change his mind listening to ME.

He has problems, but he is going to handle his problems in the mainstream ways that everybody else handles them. He will talk to his mainstream friends and they will use the mainstream solutions that don't work, like asking the government for help if there's a problem, and using the mainstream medical system when somebody gets sick, and putting their kids on drugs when their kids are failing in school - and they'll go to a public school like all the other mainstream kids of clueless parents. They'll have babies together, and they'll give them baby formula and make them into huge, obese kids that grow up with chronic health problems, and they won't have any idea that there's any other way of doing things. He is choosing this life, and he is NOT choosing a life of listening to the things that I say, the things that I believe, the things that I experience, because that life is too strange and too difficult and too different from the things that everybody else is saying to him. He is going to choose the mainstream way of doing everything, because listening to me is too hard to do.

And, again, this is something that 'they' were saying a few minutes ago: This is going to happen again and again if you are dumb enough to go chasing after a Six: Eventually they will fall in love with a clueless, mainstream Nine who tells them it's okay to just go home and watch TV forever and ever till the day they die, and that is exactly what they will do, and that is what they will choose, every time, instead of choosing the scary dark world that I am telling them about.

You have to go after somebody who ALREADY feels like an outsider somehow, someone who is already close to believing the things that I believe, experiencing the things that I experience. You can't just pick some happy, well-adjusted, mainstream guy who already has everything he wants, and then hope that something about 'Nicole' will be SO AMAZING that it will change his entire world and he will follow 'her' instead of the clueless Nine girlfriend that he will inevitably find. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME CHASING AFTER SIXES. They will always do the same thing!

'They' are actually stupid enough that they think I will *BELIEVE* that he is hacking the computer and doing these little incidents and pranks, instead of just talking to me directly when he wants something. And they think that I will actually *BELIEVE* that he is sitting outside my house with some device putting voices in my head and talking to me that way, instead of, for instance, sleeping with his girlfriend, or having sex with her, or watching TV with her, or whatever it is that they are doing together right now in the real world.

I do not want to be forced to chase after another clueless person who isn't going to change anything in his life to join me when he already has everything he wants, and if he loses this particular girlfriend, he can easily find another replacement for her the same way he found her, because he has lots of friends and he went to school here and he knows a lot of people.

I fight with them and I try to tell them over and over and over again that he is NOT going to join me in any way, not even a real-world friendship. I said he was a 'temporary workplace friend' and that's all he is and it's all he ever will be. He isn't going to listen to my sermons and change all of his beliefs about the world, or whatever stupid crap you think is going to happen. He isn't going to go against everything his family and his girlfriend and his society all believe, and his school system, and his television, and all of his co-workers. He is going to just believe all the things he was taught to believe and he doesn't feel any need to hang around with me and do anything that I want to do, or talk about anything that I want to talk about. He already has everything he needs. So STOP FORCING ME TO TRY GETTING HIM TO BE WITH ME.

I know how to be realistic, but *they* do not. Yes, he is attractive. Yes, it's hard to find cute young guys who meet all of the criteria of what I want, who will also listen to me and agree with me and form a long-lasting bond with me instead of just a casual, who-cares kind of temporary workplace thing where he won't even notice if I suddenly quit my job and leave. And I can only imagine how he sees me or what he thinks of me, because 'imagination' is something a person can't do while being zapped and burned 24 hours a day, but I would say that he thinks I'm just some kind of weird, eccentric person that he sorts of likes, but can live without, and someday, in the future, he'll meet another slightly weird eccentric person, and say to himself, 'Hey, that person is kind of weird,' the end. That's his impression of me. I'm kind of weird, but there's nothing really important that he needs to know. I'm just kind of weird in a way that you say, 'Wow, she has a lot of problems, I feel sorry for her,' and things like that.

So I said from the very beginning that it was a waste of time, and it would only cause pain and suffering, to start trying to get him to go out with me, and giving him love notes and asking him to call me and trying to convince him that all electronic communication is being hacked and intercepted and interfered with. He is going to just ignore all of those things and dismiss it as Nicole's eccentric beliefs, and then go home to his REAL family and believe whatever they believe.

I can't even decide to do something different that would actually work, because if I even think about this, they bombard me with bullcrap and they put these fake voices in my head pretending to be him, pretending that he actually misses me when I stop talking to him or stop writing notes to him or I'm not at work. He misses me a tiny little bit, but it's the same way he misses any other ordinary friend, and he has a lot of friends.

So that is the crap that I woke up to after this nap, hearing fake voices pretending to be him and pretending that he is actually upset that I want to quit chasing after him and go meet somebody who actually agrees with me. He isn't upset about anything! He is right now hanging out with his girlfriend or his family and doing whatever it is that they do when they sit around at home together, or watch a movie together, or go out to eat, or watch TV, or just enjoy each other's company and cuddle and have sex and everything else, and he is busy thinking about THOSE things, and he's not sitting there thinking about ME, or reading my blog, or having any idea at all what is going on in my life or what I believe about the world and about everything. And I am smart enough to know this, but 'they' will keep insisting that he actually remembers that I exist when he goes home from work. I have told them this over and over again, out of sight, out of mind - when he steps out that door from work, I vanish, I cease to exist, I am part of the background in the picture that he is walking out of. (Sorry, I got words inserted into that sentence and had to make it grammatically work out somehow, I hate when they are putting random words into my sentences. When it sounds 'poetic' it means they were inserting gibberish words into my sentences and I had to work it out.) I cease to exist when he leaves work. I have tried to tell them this again and again.

And I need to go get something to eat or do something else now because there is no end to this. They won't let me be realistic because they are too stupid to just look at him and see that he is already happy and he already has everything he needs and he doesn't need anything else.