I laughed again

12:03 PM 6/25/10

The obsessive blogging has changed a bit. It doesn't seem as bad this week. That might be because I was doing other computer projects instead. One thing I did was get some photos transferred to this computer. Everything I did took a really long time. No matter how simple it should have been, it took forever. Slow-running computers, dialup, slow data transfer from camera to laptop, that kind of thing. My PC is fast-running, even though it's full of malware, but the laptop is the slowest thing I've ever used, and it's never touched the internet except to get security updates that the people gave me at the store when I bought it. So I had to restart the laptop several times because the photo software crashed it, and a restart takes like five minutes each time.

My work schedule is settling in: McD has it figured out, but Weis hasn't quite got it yet. They keep scheduling me for hours when I'm not available, but several times, I've gone in and worked those hours anyway because we were lucky enough not to have a conflict with McD's hours. McD has me scheduled for all four days that I'm supposed to work, but Weis is just able to give me a day here and there, so I'm getting days off when I don't want them. I'm expecting that to change soon. One of the guys working in food service seems to be temporary. He's school age and he will be going to college or something in a few months. The other lady, I don't know. She might or might not stay. Those are both the new people who've been hired who are competing for the hours. When either of them leave, I will probably get more hours.

Well, yesterday something happened with Curtis, and he is the focus of my obsessive blogging for now. I was at the soup bar getting soup for lunch, and he came up to me directly, in a trusting, friendly way - he always surprises me - I still keep thinking that the email I got is the truth. So I was thinking that day, before coming in to work, how am I supposed to act with him? Am I supposed to leave him alone and avoid him? That would be painful, and it would feel like a loss, but if I had to, I would. But he wasn't acting like he wanted me to leave him alone - the other day, he came up to me several times and was talking and asking for my help and that kind of thing, not avoiding me.

So he came up to me yesterday, stood very close next to me, and called me a string of nicknames that included the f-word. And this wasn't done in a mean way, it was done in a talking dirty sort of way. I wasn't expecting this at all. He stood close enough to me that I felt this psychic, magnetic urge to hit him, like he was pulling my arm, and all of me, towards him, and I almost did it automatically, but somehow, I didn't. (The voices said just now, 'He was using magic.') Instead, I did the worst possible thing. I burst out laughing. Then it almost changed into crying. I covered my mouth with my hand. He said, 'Fine, f- you and f- the horse you rode in on.' Then I said, a few seconds later, 'I wasn't expecting that,' (the nicknames/dirty talk). He then changed the subject and talked about getting ready to buy a used car, and then another lady came up and got into the conversation, and she seems to like him too (but all the women seem to). Don't ask what he is going to do with a used car when he is losing his license for nine months - I didn't ask. Maybe it will just, um, sit there waiting for when he's ready to use it, nine months from now. I'm guessing that's it. Because I don't want to see any MORE citations or conflicts with the law, yet I fear that they are going to happen.

I hurt him when I laughed at him, and I didn't mean to. He actually got me very excited, but for a variety of reasons, I block it when I get excited. It's too strong of a feeling. I wasn't trusting him enough. I'm still thinking 'look, ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for like a year or 2.' We can't talk long enough, and openly enough, to find out what he wants to do. Anyway, after my lunch, I went up to him immediately and told him, 'When I laugh, I'm not laughing at you.' He was confused. He said, 'What? You're laughing at me?' (I didn't mean right that very moment, I meant when he talked to me a while before. That made me want to laugh again, but I didn't.) 'No, I'm NOT laughing at you,' I said, and I got flustered too and tried to explain that I meant, 'a while ago,' but I couldn't, and I tried to say I was apologizing, but I couldn't. He understood it well enough, though. He said, 'It's okay to laugh at me.' But I didn't think so.

But that incident made me feel that I could not leave without touching him, and it had been quite a while since I have touched him. I'm not sure when the last time was. We have briefly touched fingers while handing over money during transactions, that kind of thing, and I have slightly brushed against him while walking around him, but I haven't done direct, deliberate touch with my hands for a while. I felt that I absolutely had to, and I could not leave without doing it. It was awful that I laughed, and I should have touched him then, when the psychic-magnetic pull was making me do it.

So when it was time for me to leave, I couldn't catch him alone. He was with a co-worker, The Invisible Guy. We have all known an Invisible Guy, I'm sure. This guy has worked here since I started, in 2007, I think, but I still don't know his name, I just recognize his face. He doesn't make much eye contact and doesn't say much to anyone, at least, not while I've been watching. I recently heard him speak a short sentence, and my reaction was, 'You can talk???' (I didn't say that out loud.) He keeps his hair shaved short all the time, and it never changes. And I'm not saying this to be cruel, but, he isn't very good-looking, but at the same time, there are other people on earth who are much uglier - he's not really ugly. He's just not noticeable. I'm sure he has a family, and friends, and with them, he's visible, and he talks, and he's fun to be around, and he has a wild side, because the quiet invisible people usually do have a wild side when you get to know them. He seems to be nice, and pleasant.

He doesn't give off the angry vibes that Adam Weaver gave off. I was scared of Adam Weaver before he died. I used to feel that he was going to go postal, and it turns out that he actually was on an anti-rage medication. Adam was quiet too, and avoided eye contact with me. But he seemed like he was being quiet because he wanted to kill you. But this other guy is different, he's quiet and mellow.

(It's weird how I've reacted to Adam's death. Adam Weaver died of complications from cancer. He got mouth cancer, and he stopped going to work, and for a while, I didn't notice he was gone, but then I thought, I haven't seen Adam Weaver in a while. And suddenly people were telling me he had cancer. He was in his early thirties. So he had surgery on his mouth and he was being fed through a tube. They say that he died because the cancer moved into his brain, but I'm sure it's more complicated than that. But afterwards, I would see someone in the crowd of people, someone who looked like Adam, and I would think Adam was still alive, because to me, he only disappeared for a while without an explanation. I didn't see him sick, and I didn't see him dying. My brain and my body remembered that he was just gone for a little while, and he was going to come back. And I didn't even like him. I was scared of him. But many times, I thought I saw him in the crowd, and I couldn't believe he was dead. I kept seeing the little photocopied posters they made with him walking on the beach and smiling, and I thought, I never saw Adam smile, I didn't know he could. Other people told me that actually, when you got to know him, he was a sweet guy, and fun to be around. I think I liked him better after death than I did while he was alive. It was one of those things.)

So, yesterday, Curtis and the Invisible Guy were together when I had to leave. I usually can't approach him when there are people around him. However, I was able to do it, because I don't know the Invisible Guy, and I felt like maybe, he wouldn't care. He seemed like a non-threat.

If there were managers around, I wouldn't have been able to do it, and I have trouble talking to him if Dave is around, too - Dave is the guy who took over many of the evening shifts when Curtis went to day shift, and I've always felt like, 'YOU'RE the SUBSTITUTE. I refuse to like you.' Dave is actually nice, but I'm refusing to bond with him because he replaced Curtis, and also, because I feel like Curtis gets first priority. I don't want to go bonding with one person after another, and have lots of close relationships with lots of guys, in the same location, all at once. Dave has stayed long enough that I could probably have a conversation with him once in a while - most people only work here a few weeks and you don't ever get to know them. But I haven't tried talking to him. He knows that I've been talking to Curtis, and he knows that I behave strangely with him, and I get emotional, and I sometimes talk to him with a tone of 'ownership.' So he knows that something is going on. I feel humiliated if I have to talk to Curtis in front of Dave - he knows too much, and he's seen me getting upset.

But the Invisible Guy probably wouldn't say anything to me, or look me in the eye, or comment to me. And again, I felt that this was very important to do, and I wasn't sure when I'd see him again - it could be a whole week before I saw him. And he was trusting and open, coming up to me and standing next to me and trying to make me touch him, but I laughed, and it had to be fixed. So I went up to him, sneaked around to the other side that was away from the Invisible Guy (the voices have told me his name might be Bradley, but I don't think that's right), and then I sort of scratched his shoulder and patted him. It was so light, it probably tickled, and I know how that feels - it's usually annoying when someone taps you so lightly that you can barely feel it. I said, 'See ya. I gotta go.' I then walked away, and I looked back at him. He was standing there, looking frozen. He said something, but I was too far away and too deaf to hear it. I said, 'What?' and I think he said, 'Bye.'

I felt that I had to do it. I could not leave without doing something to fix it.

So that is where we left off. I won't see him today, I'm off at Weis. I don't think I'll see him tomorrow - I think he works earlier in the day than I do.

That's the guy-obsession blog for today.