circumcision and epithets

4:41 PM 6/8/10

I tried to take a nap, but I'm not quite sleepy enough. Instead I was getting voices, and they wanted to talk about 'her.'

They don't like her. They call her, 'Clueless, brainless, mainstream, conformist, controlling, abusive bitch.' And here is what they were concerned about. They think that she is going to force him to - and I'm sorry to write this. They think that she is going to force him to get circumcised.

This is one of those areas where I am writing purely from the voices, and not from any experiences or observations of my own. I am saying only what 'they' say to me. I've never seen him naked and I have no way of knowing his circumcision status. They suggested that, because he has an undiagnosed bleeding disorder - his cuts don't heal, and they reopen again and again - that if he were circumcised, they would have diagnosed the bleeding disorder right away shortly after he was born, but that didn't happen, which suggests that he might not be circumcised. 'They' are always looking for uncircumcised guys and trying to get me to chase after them, because this is a wonderful, scarce thing that you cannot find in our, our, I can't say this without filling it with curse words, our evil, foul, disgusting, loathsome, murderous, child-abusive society that straps down a baby boy, a helpless infant who can't fight back, straps him down and cuts off an extremely sensitive part of his body while he screams at the top of his lungs, without any anesthetic - and even if they used anesthetic, it still doesn't excuse this - you cut off something very important and valuable that he NEEDS in order to enjoy sex. It protects the penis, it keeps it from drying out, and it protects the sensitivity so that he is able to feel. The foreskin itself is very sensitive and it feels differently than the rest of the penis, so that when it's cut off, the entire sensation is totally different than it was before. Something is gone that you can never get back.

I'll say it again, I know nothing whatsoever about his circumcision status. We haven't talked about this subject, and I have never seen anything at all to tell me one way or the other about him. This is going on nothing but voices, voices telling me things about people, things I cannot know, and I have no way to verify whether or not they tell the truth. Sometimes voices lie to me, and sometimes they tell the truth.

Since I've been in a sexual-obsessive mood lately, they decided this is a good time for me to talk about circumcision again. Or rather, to talk about anti-circumcision, refusing to circumcise, saying no to circumcision.

I get upset when I talk about this. There is a feeling of desperation and helplessness. If somebody does it, then it's too late - it's forever - they can't undo it, they can't fix it, they can't get it back, it's over and gone, forever. There is a feeling of urgency, combined with that helpless feeling that there's nothing I can do if they decide to do it. I have to stop them - but I can't. It's a terrible feeling.

So, this is the scenario. I have to take this as an imaginary, pretend scenario, a 'what if?' scenario, because I don't know what's REALLY going on in their relationship. What if... she won't have sex with him, because he's uncircumcised? (Clueless, brainless, mainstream, conformist, controlling, abusive bitch). What if she won't do certain things, or shows distaste or disgust, or says rude and cruel things to him, because of that? Again, this is only an imaginary scenario. It's what 'they' want me to write about today.

I talked with a co-worker at McD about uncircumcised guys. This girl I was talking to seems to be a Sx/So, Sexual/Social instinct person. I don't know her Myers-Briggs type or her enneagram type, but she seems to fit that instinctual Sx/So type. She told me that she had once dated an uncircumcised guy, and as a matter of fact, she says she's dating him again now, if I understand correctly - she said it was the same guy.

I told her that I highly value uncircumcised guys, that I see this as a wonderful, scarce, precious thing that is hard to find anywhere in our society. So, she said she'd been with this guy, and she remembered what it was like. If they went to bed together, she would say to him, in a disgusted, disdainful tone of voice, 'Have you taken a shower yet?' or 'Have you washed *THAT* yet?' before they would have sex and before she would give him oral sex.

Here is my only experience with an uncircumcised guy. I very briefly dated a guy from Ukraine whenever I was working at a job doing overnight cleaning, a few years ago. You know how they always hire foreign people to clean the stores at night. This was one of those situations. So I hung out with this guy a couple times. I remember something about him. I told him I was being attacked, and HE BELIEVED ME. He said he'd heard of this before - he said 'I don't know much about it, but I know they use "frequencies" or something.' He remembered the word 'frequencies' as something having to do with the attacks. He knew about it, and he believed me. The other thing that I loved: I played some of my electronic songs for him, in the car, and when he heard it, he started jumping up and down in his seat, and shouting 'OH MY GOD! THIS IS GREAT! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS???' I loved his reaction. It was totally spontaneous and he wasn't faking. He was all excited about this great music I had.

We only had one sexual experience together. I quit the job after only about two weeks and I didn't keep in touch with this guy. He was looking for someone to marry him, and I didn't want to marry him. He wanted someone to marry him so that he could get help becoming a legal resident so he could stay permanently in the USA. But we were together once. He was up in my apartment. He loved having his earlobes licked. We were kissing and petting and making out, but I wasn't sure if we were going to have sex - I usually don't feel comfortable enough to do a lot if I don't know someone very well. I especially can't 'receive' sex - I can't let someone give me oral sex, if I'm not comfortable and if I don't know them well. It takes patience and it takes the proper technique, or else I get uncomfortable or it hurts, and I have to trust someone a lot to let them do that to me, and I have to be able to tell them in detail, 'Do this, don't do that, do it this way.'

But I asked him if he wanted to have an orgasm, if he felt that he needed to. We decided to go ahead and do that. I didn't know him well enough to give him oral sex, and we weren't having intercourse, so we settled on just kind of using our hands to do it, both of us. I wasn't sure what to do and I felt insecure. Now this is the awkward part. I am going to tell the truth. He was very, very small. When I say very small, I mean it, I am not exaggerating, he was something like two inches long when fully erect. That was part of why I felt uncertain about how to do it. I am not trying to insult anyone or make fun of anyone. That was just the way he was. And in fact - this is going to get scientific, please forgive me - I took a nutrition class, and they actually mentioned Ukraine - this isn't a joke, this really happened. The nutrition book listed Ukraine as one of the countries where the soil had mineral deficiencies that were very severe, so you had to make sure you imported some of your food from other places to get enough minerals. Zinc was deficient in the soil, and they showed someone with zinc deficiencies. There was a picture of someone who was 18 years old, or something like that, and his body was the size of a 10 year old boy, and (they didn't SHOW this, but the text said it) that his genitals were undeveloped and they were like a prepubescent child's. This was because of zinc deficiencies in the soil in Ukraine. It just so happened that the guy I was with was from Ukraine, and it also happened to be true that he had an unusually small penis, smaller than I had ever seen, so I remembered what I had read in my nutrition book. But that was the reason why I wasn't sure how to use my hands. So he helped and we did it together.

There are a lot of 'reasons' (if you can call them that) why people circumcise. I won't get into all the other reasons, but I will talk about the idea that smegma is unpleasant or bad smelling or gross, and circumcision gets rid of smegma forever, so that you don't even have to wash it off anymore. Females have smegma too, on their labia. It will smell exactly the same as male smegma, if you go several days without washing it. In Africa, they circumcise females too, cutting off the labia, and also sometimes the clitoris, so that she can't feel any sensation at all, and can't even have an orgasm anymore. A lot of people in the USA are horrified when they hear about FEMALE circumcisions in Africa, and then in the same breath they will say they aren't bothered about MALE circumcision in the USA. (This is because they think all men are evil, so it's okay to hurt them, but women are good, so we have to protect women. Warren Farrell wrote about that. There's an anti-man, man-hating, kill all men attitude. The man-haters don't mind circumcising men, and they don't complain about it, but they will scream bloody murder if you circumcise a woman.)

Some of my attitudes about smegma came from 'the voices' during a time period when they were interrogating me about sexual topics. I already knew that I like the smell of sweat. So they asked me if I like the smell of smegma. I don't know well enough to be able to answer that. This is the truth. Yes, I like my own. But when I was with this guy from Ukraine, the smell was very strong, and I think that it would be difficult to give him oral sex if the smell was that strong. So I would probably want him to wash it off before oral sex. Then again, I never tried it, and I don't know. I've done a lot of other things that took courage, and I could probably do that too. And there is a chance that I would like it after getting used to it.

However, asking someone to wash off is very different from asking them to circumcise themselves, forever and ever, and remove that part of the body. You don't feel any sensation anymore. It's not just about preventing smegma so that you won't ever smell again. You also cut off something that feels intense sexual sensations.

This is all hypothetical. I think that the voices just wanted to take this opportunity to have me talk about a favorite subject. I don't really know what he and his girlfriend are fighting about, and I don't know if he's back with her and she's calling him 'boy toy' or if that's some other guy - it's probably him. I also don't know anything about that part of his body. It's something 'they' use to encourage me to go after a particular guy that they want me to be with, and they sympathize with me about hating circumcision, and wanting to find uncircumcised guys, while at the same time feeling guilty about rejecting a man because he is circumcised. That would feel terrible - it's not his fault that he's circumcised - he either was a victim of assault and battery as an infant, or else he was a victim of brainwashing and disinformation as an adult (if he 'chooses' to circumcise himself 'voluntarily' as an adult).

This is from 'them' again. They talk about liking the smell of smegma, and I agree, this is possible, and I think I probably would if I got used to it. I think it's MEANT to be attractive. You're SUPPOSED to be sexually attracted to a man's penis, and in its natural state, it has a foreskin, and it has a smell. You're supposed to like the smell of a person's body. It was designed to be that way. (I know I believe in evolution, and not creationism, but even so I talk about it being 'designed' to function a certain way as a result of evolution. It's easier to explain it if I say it was meant, or intended, or designed to be a certain way, even though I don't believe in God designing anything.)

I would have to look again to make sure, but I think I remember his girlfriend writing something along the lines of 'support our soldiers' a few weeks ago, one of those things where they say, the soldiers are doing a great job, thank them for what they're doing, etc. If I am remembering correctly, then that means she would agree, and she would encourage him to go into the military. That means that she either 1. is in denial about the fact that he could DIE, or get maimed and handicapped, and lose a leg or an arm or some other part of his body, or end up in a coma, or get post-traumatic stress, or any other injury, or 2. she knows he could die, but she thinks it's okay for men to die, because men are evil and worthless, or 3. blind, automatic rule-following and just doing and believing what 'everyone else' (on television, and in the public school system) does and believes. After it happened, she would regret it, of course - they always do. It's all fine when it's just something you've read or heard about happening to SOMEONE ELSE's husband or boyfriend. It won't happen to YOURS. They regret it, but they still support the military in principle. They'd say, this is just something that happens, but we still have to keep fighting in Iraq, because it's necessary.

Why does the war connect with this topic? Well, in general, it's the idea of hurting and injuring him, being in denial about it, not caring that men are injured, and that kind of thing. They get the same attitudes about circumcision. You might tell them that SOMEBODY ELSE regretted it and felt that it was a painful, terrible loss. But they will still believe in the general idea, that this is just something we do in our society, this is the rule that we follow, this is how it's done around here. (That is the 'dark side' of the SJ personality type. The SJ is wonderful in so many ways, and rule-following is their great strength. But the dark side is when they follow rules even to the point of hurting and killing real people who should not be hurt and killed.) (I know what's going to happen, I'm going to start hearing about 'the dark side of the SP artisan personality types,' in response to my complaining about the SJ. I'm gonna hear about everything we hate about SPs, and I won't be able to disagree, because it's true, there is a dark side to the unhealthy SP as well.) Basically, she will say, 'Follow the rules, even if it hurts you.' You have to ignore the pain and suffering and the regrets of what you've done, and just follow the rules because that's how we do things here, everybody does this.

So, my religion is making new rules, and I'm trying to make GOOD rules to follow, rules that don't hurt you, rules that HELP you.

I don't know what they're fighting about, and I guess it probably has nothing to do with circumcision, but the voices wanted to give me a hypothetical situation to talk about, because it might happen sooner or later.