what forced obsessions are like

8:00 PM 6/14/10

They wanted to know about forced obsessions. I won't write a long blog, just a brief one.

They aren't able to make me fall in love with somebody who is repulsive to me (or at least, it hasn't happened yet). Even when I was still affected by lots of drugs, and when they were forcing me to be a 'yes woman' (like the movie, 'Yes Man' with Jim Carrey), as they tried to connect me with guys who wanted to have sex with me, as they hoped I would become a prostitute - even then, they couldn't force me to obsess over guys I wasn't attracted to. I have to actually be attracted to someone to be able to obsess over them. I have to actually enjoy thinking about that person.

I made a comparison to someone who's trying to quit drinking. If you want to quit drinking, but a friend keeps coming over and asking you to go out drinking with them, it's hard to stop. That's what the forced obsession is like. I would try to think about important things, although they might not really be enjoyable things, like tasks that I have to do, and long-term plans, and solving problems, and that kind of thing, but somebody comes along and tempts me to think about something easier and more enjoyable instead, so I do. They don't have to try very hard.

They physically interrupt my thoughts and zap me if I try to think about helping improve my life in the real world by doing work that I need to do, and solving problems I need to solve, so it IS a damaging attack: it prevents me from helping myself. That is why I hate it. I have nothing against the particular person that they are forcing me to obsess over. The crush that I have on him is real. I just wouldn't spend every minute of every day thinking about him, in the real world - I would forget about him and I'd think of other things once in a while. I am attracted to him for real, but if I were left alone, I'd actually have a life, too - I'd have other hobbies and other activities and things to do. But instead they remind me of him, over and over throughout the day.

So, that is what a forced obsession is like. It's worst if my hormones are acting up, if I'm on drugs, or if I'm eating foods that have an aphrodisiac effect, like some of the cream that was in the coffee, and I can't explain why it was having that effect - I don't know what chemical is in it. It doesn't seem to happen with ALL cream - I just ate some ice cream, and it's not having that effect. But anyway the obsessions are worst if I actually am in that kind of mood already.

They were telling me that he might have been sick or in pain when I saw him. Last time he was acting that way, he had a toothache. Maybe that's why he stopped chewing tobacco. But if I ever had a chance to talk to him, I might be able to understand some of these things a little better. Instead, when I saw him, I couldn't even find out what was bothering him or how he was feeling, because I was too upset by my own disasters going on. Usually I would want to know how he was doing, and no, when I say it, it is sometimes a real question, but I ask it whenever I actually WANT to know how somebody is doing - I don't say 'Hi how ya doing?' to total strangers, and expect them to always say 'Fine' in response. If I ask you how you're doing, it means that I am prepared to listen to the truth of how you're doing.

So I didn't even get to ask him about himself that day. Then, later on, he was getting ready to leave, but I was on drugs, and I was also feeling urgent and upset, and needed to talk to him, and he was with a bunch of people, but I talked to him anyway, in front of the other guys. I don't want to embarrass him in front of the other guys, but I did anyway that day, because talking to him felt very important and I had to do it.

My teeth really did get better when I was eating at Red Lobster once a week. I wasn't eating lobster, I was just eating seafood. The milk isn't doing anything for my teeth - I was hoping that adding cream to my coffee would put some milk in my diet and help the teeth (I still think that there is something wrong with milk: the vitamins are gone, the cows don't eat grass, it's pasteurized, etc). I have had mild tooth pain for a few years now, not really cavities, just pain, and it comes and goes, and it's very mild, not really a problem at all. The dentist told me my teeth were demineralizing. They got stronger when I was eating seafood at restaurants. I've had to stop doing that because I've been so sick lately that I can't eat much. I know, they're suggesting that I take him out to restaurants, but we haven't even been able to talk to each other at all. And I don't think I will actually give him any kind of gifts. I would have to be totally on drugs to do that. I was having a drug reaction when I wrote about that. I don't have the courage to do anything weird when I'm off drugs.

Anyway, if that's why he had to quit chewing tobacco, that makes sense to me. Tobacco probably makes a toothache worse. I wouldn't know.

I forgot to finish the story.  Anyway, I asked him to talk to me, but all the other guys were there.  I told him it would be really quick, like less than two minutes.  But he walked away into the office with one of the guys, and so I left and finished what I was doing, because I was taking chickens back to the cooler.  I didn't want to be pushy and hurt myself in front of everyone when he seemed to be rejecting me.  It's humiliating enough that I am chasing after him and being rejected, but when I am doing it in front of everyone, it's even worse.  So he left and went home, and I didn't see him again and didn't get to talk to him.

I'd like to think about something else besides him.  I have a lot of work that I need to do and problems that I need to solve.