an angry mood; caffeine withdrawal; chronic fatigue; the attackers

11:46 AM 5/8/11

I'm still able to get on the internet as of now. I think the next service period starts on May 11th or 12th or something. That's the period that I haven't paid for. I'm going to be blogging less often, instead of five or six or seven medium-length blogs every day (no, I know it's not ALWAYS that bad, but sometimes it is). Instead there will be short little mistake-filled blogs with weird misspellings in them, which means it came from my ipod and I was typing it with my thumbs, sometimes with my vinyl gloves on, at McDonald's. Or else I will sometimes blog at the library, but I won't be able to do that several times a day, as it's a hassle to get to the library over and over again, and if I'm using their computers, there's a two hour time limit, and I want to avoid using my netbook as it gives me 'brain burn' from the radio signal on the wireless.

I think my manager might have looked in the schedule requests bucket and gotten my note asking about a two week vacation. I had to ask because I'm not sure if we're allowed to just DO that, or if we need special permission from somebody, or what. The last time I saw him, the other day, I got this 'hurt' and 'anxious' feeling from him, and a feeling that he wanted to say something to me, and was about to, but didn't have time, as he was leaving. That is usually a sign that he has gotten a schedule request from me.

I am in caffeine withdrawal for a second day. A lot of my coffee drinking is actually something that the murderers force me to do. They wake me up at random times and then burn me, while I'm lying in bed, with the type of burn attack that forces you to get up and move away from wherever you were. They give me the idea that I must get up and go someplace to get coffee.

I actually was puritanically anti-coffee when I was in college. I decided to quit using all sources of caffeine and theobromine (chocolate) and theophylline (tea). When I came to State College, I still wasn't drinking coffee or eating chocolate (and I never drank tea very often anyway, so it wasn't hard to break that habit), but I remember having a big discussion with the voices in my head, back during a time period when I mistakenly believed that the voices in my head came from within, and I thought I was 'arguing with myself' over the decision to start drinking coffee.

I have had problems with chronic fatigue since my teens. So I tend to become severely addicted to coffee. If I have a coffeemaker at home (which I don't right now), I will drink the entire pot of coffee in one day and make another one. (Right now, for the past several years, I've been forcing myself to go out someplace to buy a cup of coffee - this is yet another parallel to Rick's life, as he doesn't have sugar-containing foods in the house, and has to go out and buy them individually, so that it's harder to get them. I do the same thing - I don't buy, for instance, an entire package of Little Debbie cakes or anything at the grocery store - I NEVER do - because I will eat the entire thing in like a day or two. Anyway this limits how much coffee I can easily drink. It's a nuisance to go out and get it.)

I'm not sure what's the most I've had in one day. When I was using St. John's Wort, I drank even more coffee, because sjw causes a large number of drugs to become less effective - it induces cytochrome P450 so that your body metabolizes all of its drugs more quickly. They discovered this when they observed that AIDS patients, who were taking drugs, suddenly weren't getting enough drugs while they were using sjw, and they had to increase all their dosages. So they researched it to find out how and why sjw lowers the dosages of other drugs you're taking at the same time. So I tend to drink a lot more coffee, and get less out of it, when I'm on sjw.

I'm not sure exactly when my chronic fatigue problems began. I have THEORIES about what might have triggered it or made it worse, but I'm not sure. Some of my theories include: the silver-mercury dental filling, the wisdom tooth removals, the chemical hair perms that I started getting in 7th grade, the huge amounts of pesticides that my parents sprayed around the house during particular time periods, vaccines - possibly a delayed effect from my childhood vaccines, as it might be something that takes a decade to develop, like AIDS, and the vaccine viruses become a chronic infection - and also, a flu-like illness that struck the State College area in 1999 or so, where I was sick for a much longer time than my then-boyfriend was, and my fatigue was worse for a long time afterwards; also, moldy air in the apartments where I've lived, and also, sleep apnea, which I don't always have very badly, but which is worst when I eat particular foods or am exposed to pesticides.

I want nothing more than to troubleshoot my chronic fatigue. I would easily focus on doing that if I weren't being attacked and controlled.

I want to prevent my children from having the same problems I had, now that I know about Weston Price deformities and how the deformed people were the ones who caught the diseases like tuberculosis, while other people were immune. If you have few deformities, you are also less vulnerable to being harmed by all diseases in general, and that's a very vague and general statement. The deformities are not just on the outside. They are also on the inside. Your blood vessels do not develop fully and may be smaller than they are supposed to be. In some people, the adipose tissue is malformed, and they become severely obese, and this is a permanent, lifelong deformity, usually resulting from their being bottle-fed when they were babies. If you have deformed adipose tissue then you are vulnerable to all sorts of other health problems. This is mostly my theory based on what I have read and pieced together.

I keep hearing voices reading bits and pieces of Rick's email to me, and they keep promising that he's going to talk to me again, and they keep creating these delusional ideas and explanations for what he's doing. I know that the ideas are wrong but they keep bombarding me with them anyway.

I can troubleshoot the physical health problems, but as of right now, I cannot troubleshoot the fact that I am a targeted individual - no victim ever knows why they are a victim - there really is no 'reason,' it's just because somebody out there is mentally ill and evil, and their evil is the reason why you are being attacked. I have no method of protecting my children against the attacks. I have no method of convincing law enforcement to do anything about it. I have no method of convincing respectable public figures to get on television and tell the whole world that this phenomenon is real. So my children are unsafe from the murderers.

The murderers have ruined the last several years of my life. I would have been able to solve a large number of my problems long ago if they had not been constantly interrupting me from thinking.

I am waiting to see about getting the vacation from work. If I get it, I hope I can go through a large number of my belongings and get rid of stuff so that it will be much easier for me to move and relocate, and I will be rid of all the things that are contaminated. However, that doesn't solve the problem of the drug residue on all the carpets in my car. I would have to replace all the carpets, because they cannot be cleaned. I have already shampooed them multiple times and I still react very strongly to them.

It's very hard to make friends with people when I am the victim of these attacks. Almost all of my OTHER problems are at least partially solvable. I can improve upon my chronic fatigue, for instance, although I will never be a very high-functioning, goal-achieving, ambitious person. But I cannot stop the murderers from shooting me wherever I go, and that means that I could go on hikes (which is what I had been thinking about ever since reading Rick's web pages) to find out whether the background radio noise was decreased, but, based on my past experience, I will still be followed, even into the mountains, and they will do other types of attacks while I am out there - that is what I expect to happen. It has happened to other victims who have written about how they tried to get away from the murderers by going off to isolated islands and things like that. I do not know where the attacks come from, as I do not have detection equipment, which would be very expensive, and the murderers force me to destroy every extra dollar that I make during time periods when I am earning more money, so that I cannot buy things that I want and need to buy. They will always be mentally ill. I am not the one who's crazy. That is what I realized years ago when I started getting attacked. I'm not crazy, and I never was. But somebody else out there IS crazy. The original idea of that paragraph was supposed to be that I could make friends with people and I could partly fix some of my problems, but the murderers attacking me will always keep me isolated from people, as I cannot focus on the person I'm talking to at any particular moment, because I am constantly being zapped while talking to someone or looking at them, so I cannot 'feel in the moment' with that person, I cannot 'psychologically merge' with the person I'm looking at, as that requires focus. If you look deeply into someone's eyes, trying to feel connected with them, and then get painfully zapped every couple seconds, you are physically unable to feel any kind of social closeness or intimacy. Intimacy is a FEELING. It is a state of mind. Your mind has to relax into that comfortable state. When you are being burned and zapped every couple seconds, you can be sitting next to the person you love most in the world, yet you are unable to 'feel' close to them.

I am not in a good mood right now, apparently.

I'm just waiting for a vacation from work. And I will soon be off the net when copper.net disconnects me, but I don't know exactly which day they will do that. It's happened before by accident when I forgot to pay my bill, so I know it will happen again like that. I just won't be able to connect. So I won't be blogging as much. And I am going to start working with someone to do bookkeeping, but with the mood I'm in right now, I don't feel happy about that. I'm just angry about being constantly attacked.