I went through the drive-thru at Long John Silver's, and it was either the first or second day of caffeine withdrawal, and I saw a chocolate-covered 'turtle' sundae with walnuts being advertised, and I suddenly decided to try it, which is something I don't normally do. I realized afterwards that it was chocolate and that I wasn't eating chocolate, but I just ate it anyway. Other than that, I haven't made any mistakes since then.
I am going around in sort of a bleary-eyed stupidity. My eyes feel swollen shut and they don't open. Caffeine is a diuretic, and it seems to get rid of the swelling around my eyelids. So the bags under my eyes are worse than usual. I feel stupid and slow. However, I've been more willing to do things like run errands or do chores. But I haven't been working as hard at McDonald's. At the end of the day, I was tired, and my hips were hurting. The painful hips is something new which I was noticing recently. I have my theories about what it is and what it means.
As of right now I'm still able to connect to the internet, but it's started doing the thing where it will try to connect and then I get disconnected and I get an error message telling me the server isn't responding. That's normal, as I've done this before, and it usually starts to happen when I'm being cut off from the net. After a couple tries, I will usually be able to get back on.
The Rick disaster: did I gain anything or learn anything from that? I learned to recognize what kind of duals I like, and to know that they exist. It is the self-preservation instinct that I like most about him. I'm not using the enneagram anymore, and it's hard to resist the temptation to use it, and I keep trying to think of which enneagram type he is and which type I am... but I insist, THE ENNEAGRAM IS A TOTAL MESS. DON'T USE IT. THE END. So anyway, I have an idea what types of people to look for, what signs, where they might be found.
I also have this nostalgic feeling, this longing, about Ukraine, this feeling that 'all the fun is happening OVER THERE.' When I was a kid, and we were riding the bus on a field trip, and if we had more than one bus, I remember seeing the other bus and envying them, like the grass is always greener on the other bus. I thought that they always looked like they were having more fun than my bus was having. I get that feeling about Ukraine now.
It's true, we have mountains in the United States, and we speak some kind of language, and we have poor people here, and an annoying government, just like Ukraine. You can find all those things there and here. But I get that feeling that I'm missing out on everything because I'm over here. My life is too much of a disaster, and it's too impossible to save any money at all, so I can't travel, as it costs hundreds of dollars to travel anywhere at all. If I didn't have chronic fatigue, recurring disasters, and psychotronic attacks, I would have been saving money all this time, and I could do fun things like traveling.
Well anyway, I learned some of the signs to look for whenever I am looking for my own partner, as Rick won't even speak to me about anything at all, even if it something impersonal, even if I clearly define which boundaries I won't cross - as I was hoping to get some kind of inspiration and encouragement from him, and as long as I am not having a manic attack, I should be able to communicate normally, but he doesn't trust me. So I am still in my grief processing stage right now, and no, that is not a joke, I really am processing grief, as I was hoping to communicate with another human being, and I am told that I cannot.
In this slow, dopey, caffeine-free, residue-reaction mind state that I am in, I now have to focus on the bookkeeping job, and I have to do some research to find out some things I need to know about tax deductions. So far, I printed out a paper from the IRS that talks about it, but there's more where that came from and I will probably need to look at more stuff. I just wanted to show Ron that I am indeed researching it and not just reassuring him that I'm researching it, while actually sitting around doing nothing. I wanted a paper that I could show him.
I still haven't heard anything back yet about whether I'm allowed to take a vacation that is two weeks long. I've taken a one week vacation before, and I've taken a sort of leave of absence due to illness before, but I've never tried to take a two week vacation. It's all I can think about. I have no other hope, because there is no way at all that I can do any work on the storage unit's contaminated belongings while also going to work at McDonald's.
I am going to have a problem with using the library computers. After I went to the library today, I had a reaction to somebody else's antidepressants, from sitting at the computer. I do not want to have reactions to other people's antidepressants every time I go to use the library computers. Again, this reminds me of the 'untouchable caste,' and how there actually is a need for that, and yet, I don't want to start something that would turn into a gigantic evil stereotyping discriminating thing. I wouldn't want an untouchable caste that you can't get out of. You should be able to get out of it if you stop using drugs and get rid of all your drug-covered belongings.
That is another thing I learned from the 'duals' that I was being forced to try to talk to, over the past few months. They forced me to put up an advertisement asking for ENFPs. I did that, and I got a bunch of emails from various people, all of which turned out to be disasters. The one guy who I actually saw in person was a drug user and I had a horrible, horrible reaction later that night as I went into withdrawal from the benziodiazepines he was using, as I had given him a hug.
And I can't bear to tell people that they have to throw in the garbage almost everything they own, because it is covered in drug residues. Or sell it to someone else, if they don't have any moral qualms about that. I do - I won't sell my stuff to anyone. The ephedra is too life-ruining, and it only takes a couple molecules to totally destroy your entire existence, so my stuff is going in the garbage.
But the point was that if I do any kind of advertisements at all, or if I use any dating websites, to find someone, I have to absolutely, strictly forbid them to use drugs, of any kind, no exceptions. I can tolerate the presence of other people's caffeine, but that's all. No smoking, no prescription drugs, nothing. It is so hard to find anyone who isn't using any drugs, who also has a very high IQ and is a good writer and communicator - I don't feel comfortable with anyone who isn't able to write. And they have to have the right personality type, and the right 'other factors,' whatever those might be, and also be physically attractive to me, as I like a particular kind of person, and I am, unfortunately, picky about this, so that I would endure a lukewarm attraction to about 99% of the people I would find. If the guy isn't skinny, then he has to at least have a beard and long hair, because that is the only thing that makes me able to tolerate a thick, muscular guy. They hardly ever do that, so it's pretty much hopeless. The only personality type that ever grows their hair long is SLE, it seems, and all the other types are conformists. That's an exaggeration because I'm annoyed and frustrated right now. I'm sure there are a few exceptions. And then of course after all that, they have to be able to tolerate ME.
So yeah, drug reactions at the library are going to be a problem.
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