So that is what I did this morning. I told her I didn't know for sure where I was going to live. She said she would give me the paperwork anyway in case I decided at the last minute that I had to stay here because I hadn't found anywhere else to live. I'm planning to live in my car for a few months. 'Not having anywhere else to live' means my car broke down or got destroyed or towed away or something. The car is my snail shell.
I haven't died yet from the tick bite yesterday, but I did feel that the lymph node in my upper leg seems slightly painful, but only just barely - I wouldn't notice it if I weren't keenly (and paranoidly) paying attention to it to see if anything happened. There was a slight pain leading upwards from the bite to the lymph node. I'm watching to see if I get anything ending with -itis. Or that other one, what's it called? Lyme disease is one of them.
I was reading about covering yourself with mud to stop mosquitoes from biting. I haven't had an opportunity to try this yet, as there haven't been any mosquitoes on my walks so far. From what I've read, it's best if you use clay. Clay is a very fine-grained soil, so the chunks won't fall off you as easily as something with larger grains. I wonder if it stops ticks too? I'm interested in any non-chemical bug deterrents, as I hate getting sick from pesticides. Mud is easily found everywhere as long as there's water.
I also haven't tried eating worms or insects yet. This is on my list of things to do in the future. 'If nobody's doing it, there's a reason,' says the Murphy's Law.
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I wasn't trying to 'win' against Rick. I was in a manic state and doing crazy things that didn't make sense and which were not done deliberately with a conscious purpose behind them. Mostly I was desperate to get him to respond to me at all. I am saying this because I noticed he said something on someone else's thread in the forum about 'winning' in petty social situations and how it doesn't work unless they take you seriously.
I decided years ago that nobody 'enjoys' or 'gets off on' doing things anonymously on the internet. That was because I used to have this horrible thing going on where I was being electronically attacked and forced to write emails to 'Nerdman.' Then the computers would get hacked in a harassing way as a 'response,' and 'they' would put all these rationales into my mind as to why someone would do that. I used to believe that people could 'get off on' hurting people over the net, but now I have decided that there are no feelings over the net - not like that - real feelings are what you get from seeing and touching people in person, and anything that you feel over the net is a twisted, incomplete feeling that has hardly any connection to the real world. This is a long story, and I'm nervous because my time's running out and I'll soon have to log back in.
Okay, I'm logged back in.
So anyway, I used to theorize that the hackers were sitting in some faraway place pushing buttons on their computers and getting off on the fact that they were torturing people faraway. This was, in my mind, the definition of absolute evil. Some faraway person that nobody can retaliate against, who controls everyone else. It was the definition of a psychopath or sociopath. A soulless person who does nothing but constantly lie and manipulate everyone, while having no 'self' of their own at all.
I decided that this idea was impossible. Every human is vulnerable and real. If there is such thing as a sociopath, for instance, serial killers, they have a brain disease. I'm not saying that this is okay or that we shouldn't put serial killers in jail. I'm just saying that it's a logical contradiction somehow to define a person as 'inhuman' or 'absolutely evil.' There is no such thing as a Cylon (Battlestar Galactica), a robot in a human body.
From this, I decided that the hackers cannot possibly 'get off on' hurting people from far away, because no one is capable of truly ENJOYING a long-distance, internet-only interaction. What I mean is, no one is able to deeply and completely be 'nourished' by an internet-only interaction, and the 'absolute evil sociopath' theory imagines that the sociopaths deeply and sincerely and completely 'benefit' from attacking and hurting people. I am saying, they do not benefit from it. It is some twisted struggle as they try, and fail, to get something that they need.
I have had incidents where the attackers forced me to feel physical sensations or emotions that they then directed towards someone on the net. Those weren't even my real feelings. (It's so hard to type on this keyboard - the keys STICK, so that I can't push them down. It's actually making it hard for me to say what I want to say.)
It looks like I was making some pathetic attempt to 'win' against Rick by arguing about peak oil. What I was doing was, trying to interact with him AT ALL. And I was having a reaction to a drug residue on my clothing, which was no accident, I think - I think it was something that 'they' forced to happen.
The drug residue theory will probably disappear with me when I die. I do not see anybody else recreating this theory. I also don't see myself getting into a situation where I would be able to convince large numbers of people that transdermal drug residues are real. (By the way, I'm at the Schlow library right now, which has wooden chairs, not upholstered ones, and I don't get as much of a reaction while sitting on smooth surfaces that quickly get wiped off, so hopefully if I use this place I won't react as much as I did when I was at the Bellefonte library.)
I think Ramiel Nagel is an IEE. I bought his book, 'Cure Tooth Decay,' which takes Weston Price's research and goes into more detail about it. He has the 'Wow! I found something wonderful and amazing!' feeling throughout his writing. I read one of the socionic descriptions of an IEE as a doctor - it was one of the translated foreign language descriptions. It said that IEEs as doctors are interested in telling everybody about the amazing new discovery/treatment/method X, whatever it is, and it reminded me of Ramiel Nagel. There are other reasons why I think he's an IEE based on his writing. I am trying to learn to recognize them by their writing style. He also had something about being involved in 'emotional medicine' or something like that - it was his field of study - I would have to look it up again.
I like it when my unconscious stereotypes are discovered, and broken. I thought 'IEEs can't be doctors,' but there in the type description it said they can, and I think I found one.
I looked at Maritsa's blog whenever I did a google search for socionics VI. Now that I've seen her blog, I'm noticing everyone's superciliary arches and the way their neck connects to their head. This is an informal typing method and it cannot be used as the one and only method of typing someone. But it's interesting because VI is breaking my stereotypes too. I had a co-worker who I was thinking was a Feeling type. She always laughs nervously in kind of a submissive, 'I'm cute' way. It means 'No one takes me seriously.' I've done that too, many times, when I feel like people aren't taking me seriously. It doesn't mean I'm a feeling type! So I noticed that she seems to have the more pronounced superciliary arches and I thought, 'What if she is a thinking type?' Even though you could disprove all of VI and show that it's nothing but total garbage, it was still useful because it made me question a stereotype that people who laugh and giggle all the time are feeling types. Once I had questioned this assumption, I was able to see that she really doesn't have a lot of strength in the 'feelings' area, and also, that the guys who flirt with her and play with her a lot are the guys who I've typed as F types. There are several guys who seem to have extraverted ethics, and she likes them. She also seems to like the guys with introverted ethics, but not as openly as the Fe ones. I'm thinking she might actually be an LSI. This is just a hypothesis for now.
I read about normal anatomical variations years ago. For instance, there are some big blood vessels that are able to connect at a higher point, or a lower point, to another artery. Surgeons have observed this. It affects the way the blood flows. But there's nothing 'wrong' with it being different. There are many other normal anatomical variations in the body. Some people have two thymus glands (if I recall correctly), while others have only one. (I'm too lazy to google search for it right now.) Some of these variations are significant, but no one really knows about them until they have surgery or until they're dead and someone does an autopsy on them.
Personality types might be associated with some normal anatomical variations. If your nerves join each other in a particular way, for instance. I hadn't known that there were variations in the way the spinal cord joins the brain, but once I saw the pictures, I recognized those types of heads and I realized I had noticed that before, but it had no significance to me.
I already know about variations in the amount of metabolic enzymes you can produce - for instance, is it easy for you to metabolize the natural salicylate in fruits and vegetables, or not? People also vary in their ability to metabolize drugs and alcohol.
I don't think I'll get an opportunity to guess people's types, and then take pictures of them, and analyze the pictures for similarities. I would like to, though. VI is fascinating to me right now. It serves a purpose for me. It makes me feel as though all these strangers walking by might actually be interesting people. I am totally disconnected from society and extremely antisocial (yes, I still go to work, pay for things with cash, etc), and I see all the people around me as being closed and inaccessible, too (pardon my language) stupid to understand anything that matters to me, too stupid to understand any issues that I think are important, too stupid to have any deep feelings about anything, clueless about our society and how unhealthy it is - I see them all as people happily embracing television and football and Penn State and unaffordable huge mansions - but VI is making me look more deeply at all the people passing by and wondering, 'What if one of those people could actually understand me?' What if one of them really is an IEE who is intelligent enough to understand what I say and what I care about? What if they could care about the same things I do? What if I could actually feel a connection with one of them?
I know that I am in the 'open bond' state right now because of my intense reaction to my coworker, the 'request recipient.' I didn't know that he knew I existed. Now that I think about it, I recall that I worked with another person of that type, an older man, at State of the Art, Inc. When I got laid off and had to leave my job, he cried and cried (and I did too). We had worked next to each other and with each other every day for, how long, more than a year. He said he felt like he was losing his right arm, as in, *I* was his 'right arm.'
It was those incidents that made me start asking questions about economics and layoffs. Why do we get laid off? Why isn't there a better way of doing things? The answer is because of economic forces caused by the banking systems, and also, because of laws and regulations that make it very difficult to lower people's wages, and difficult to run a business AT ALL. It's a long and complicated answer which I won't attempt to explain in less than 17 minutes on a keyboard that sticks!
The layoff was horrible. I had already lost a previous job, which went bankrupt and shut down after the dotcom boom, in 2002 or so. Then I went to State of the Art and got laid off again. After that, I stopped working for the temp agencies, stopped trying to get 'nice' jobs in offices, stopped trying to work for any manufacturing companies or technology companies, stopped working for anybody who was living on borrowed money and had to make big profits now or declare bankruptcy, and instead, I started working at safe, reliable jobs that would always be there, so that I would have fewer incidents of saying goodbye to coworkers while we all cried our eyes out, which shouldn't have happened at all. That's why I went back to fast food - no layoffs, no bankruptcies.
The point was that yes, that old coworker loved me in his way, and cried when I left, and we were very attached to each other. So I can imagine him, in this guy's body, feeling something similar. This guy was suppressing intense emotions every time I talked to him for the past few weeks. I had changed my schedule and quit working weekends because I was trying to get a job with the temp agency, a second job, and I was going to make the two schedules work together. For various reasons it didn't work out and I abandoned that plan and changed my mind. But I was too lazy and too scared to change my schedule again - I didn't like having to tell the manager every time I wanted to change my schedule. It was actually this guy who convinced me to go back on weekends. His intense suppressed feelings seemed like grief and pain. Every time I talked to him, he would start to look and sound like he was going to cry. I didn't understand it. He was also giving me distrustful, hurt looks. I realized that he only worked on weekends (mostly) and that I was rarely seeing him at all anymore. Then I realized there was another person who only worked on weekends and I never saw him anymore, either, and I missed him too. So I went back to weekends.
I knew he existed and I thought he was attractive but I didn't think he cared much about me one way or the other. It was strange to see him reacting intensely to me. I had intense feelings around him the first two days I was back on the weekend. Every time he walked close to me I felt my skin prickle as though he was breathing down my neck. I could feel electricity, like static. I've never touched him except briefly by accident. I wanted to touch him and was obsessed with him during those couple of days. I am vulnerable to this because I'm in 'open bond mode,' not being attached to anyone, trying to break my unfortunate internet-only long-distance crush (which as always was being pushed and encouraged by 'them'). I'm like an ion.
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