sick today; your investment portfolio

5:57 AM 5/5/11

How much money do you have?
What is it invested in?
When are you planning on getting the money back - for instance, is it meant to be withdrawn freely whenever you want, like in a checking account; is it scheduled to be given back to you at some date in the future, like a CD or bond (I don't remember anything about these and would have to look them up again); is it something that has no set date when you get it back, and you can sell it whenever you want, like stocks; or is it meant to be there forever until an unknown time, like physical gold and silver?

If my entire life hadn't become a complete failure of severe chronic fatigue, I would have been saving money by now, and would have had to actually make a decision about these things. But instead I barely make enough money to pay the rent the next month and never save anything; and during the brief periods when I am working two jobs, I am forced against my will by the murderers to buy useless expensive items that I do not want (sewing machines, computers, and other items that will have to be resold), instead of buying coins that I do want, which is what happened the last time I was making a lot of money temporarily.

I woke up sick. I tried to eat something just before going to bed last night, when I came home from work. But I took two sips of a milkshake and then hiccupped, and then hiccupped again, and it was a weird hiccup that scared me, so I didn't drink any more, and then I almost threw up.

I also was having a drug residue reaction. That had started the day before yesterday at McDonald's. The soap dispenser on the dish sink is not working very well. The water comes out of the soap dispenser part, but there's hardly any soap in it, even though there is soap in there.

So I climbed up into the sink and stood up there and looked down into the soap dispenser from above and tried to find out why the soap wasn't coming out. I didn't get it fixed.

I climbed back down and then I sprayed out the sink where my shoes had been standing. The hot vapor rose up from the extremely hot water that I was spraying, and I had a reaction instantly. The bottoms of my shoes always have drug residues on them from the floor of the car. The floor of the car cannot be cleaned - I have tried several times to shampoo it out. No carpets at all can be cleaned of the footprints, actually. So my shoes are always carrying drug residues on the bottoms.

So I got this vaporized water, containing vaporized drug residues (mostly St. John's Wort and tobacco with a little bit of ephedra), in my face and on my hat and my shirt. I'm not sure how much of it is actually in the uniform. I may have just gotten it on my face and breathed it in.

I started becoming excessively talkative, blurting out every thought that crossed my mind, within minutes after that happened. Then I went home and had trouble sleeping, and I didn't take a shower, I just went to bed. The next morning I still hadn't taken a shower and felt miserable and uncomfortable because I hadn't slept well, and I finally took a shower just before work, but I didn't wash my hair at that time. It sometimes takes more than one wash to get the stuff off of me. I didn't remove all of it, then. I was still having a reaction as of last night when I got home from work. I was laughing more than usual at work. I was also acting like I was in tobacco withdrawal, very hungry and irritable, and my blood sugar seemed to be crashing.

So when I got home I was able to go into intuitive mode, which I don't normally do, although I would do it a lot more often if I were not being attacked by murderers, because it would greatly help me make life decisions if I could do that the way I used to. I would meditate and look at the future and motivate myself to make important decisions, and then I would go back to my normal way of functioning; but if I try to do that now about my PERSONAL life (instead of about money-related subjects and society-wide, large-scale subjects), the murderers zap me and make loud banging noises around the room, which is what they did last night the very instant that I started trying to use intuition to look at the pathways of my personal life's future - I started trying to look at my own personal future and WACK! BAM! CRACK! the loud noises started crashing around the room. There is no way to express the anger that these attacks deserve.

They will not let me think about anything important without being attacked. Even if I have my earplugs in, it doesn't matter - they start making my hands and fingers twitch, they burn the muscles in my legs so that I have to start doing big, painful kicks and jerks, they make snapping noises inside my body in a variety of different places, they make zapping electrical sensations inside my head, they force me to suddenly fall asleep and start dreaming instead of thinking whatever I was trying to think about, they force me to hear voices in loud bursts that interrupt my thoughts. They are murderers.

If I were able to meditate and look at my own future, I would easily see where to go and what to do, and I would be motivated to do it without hesitation. I call them murderers for a reason. They have murdered the hours and years of my life, and those years cannot be gotten back. They are completely gone forever.

Because of them, I am stuck in this hell and I have not been able to move since 1997, when I first came here, and got stuck living in a place that I did not want to be in, doing things I did not want to be doing. Because of them, I cannot make any changes in my life, and I cannot do any unusual activities that haven't been 'approved' first before I do them, and I must make changes slowly and awkwardly while the murderers mess around and make their adjustments and prevent me from doing anything drastic or sudden. I would have left this hell hole long ago and I would be doing different jobs and I would have taken action to fix all of the things that are making me sick. The murderers WANT me to keep repeatedly having drug residue reactions, because SJW makes me suggestible and controllable, and they force me to do stupid things every time it happens. Again, there is no hate that can express this.

I wasn't able to eat last night. I might have parasites again - I actually feel the recognizable tickling crawling sensations in my abdomen - because I get them EVERY SINGLE TIME I take a walk at Fisherman's Paradise, and I have to eat jalapeno peppers several times afterwards. (Note, when I talked about 'parasites' in the financial world, that is obviously figurative, not literal parasites. Parasites are the people who steal wealth from others, by tricking the financial system, or by taxing a large group of people and taking their money. It is a coincidence that I was talking about 'parasites' last night and then saying that I feel like I have literal parasites today.)

So they woke me up in the middle of the night and I almost threw up, again, but didn't. I was freezing cold, the window was slightly open, and my heat was way too low, and I was sick so I wanted lots and lots of heat. So I closed the window and turned the space heater so it was facing directly towards me and I finally was warm again.

I still haven't eaten, and I'm hungry and I want to eat something.

I might ask Dad to tell me about what his investment portfolio is like. I don't remember all the different types of things he has. From what I recall, they are not all profitable - some of them are losing. I remember some anxiety about the municipal bonds - will the government default on the bonds?

There are decisions that I might make with my own money; then there are decisions where I step aside and allow other people to do what they choose; I myself am not at all comfortable with any investment that is intended to 'earn interest,' to be paid back by someone at some time in the future, or to 'go up in value.' Everything that goes into a bank and turns into a number on a graph, I am not comfortable about.

Any time I have had just the slightest bit of extra money, and wasn't being forced by the murderers to buy extremely stupid objects that I do not want at all, I was, instead, getting silver coins, and on very rare occasions, gold ones, but those can only be bought with large amounts of money all at once, so I usually just got trivial little silver ones, sometimes even just tiny little things like silver dimes. I get the junk, the bullion value coins. I don't have a lot of them. I plan on getting more of them.

As of right now that is the only 'savings' that I have, and it is not the type of savings where you can withdraw cash anytime you need it. If you try to withdraw coins and sell them, then you have to calculate whether it's worth it, because the price you get from the coins will be lower than what you paid for them, sometimes, or whatever, and it requires thinking and planning and understanding what is their value relative to what. They are not meant to be deposited into and then withdrawn in the short term. Instead, the coins are meant to be extremely long term savings, as in, they will still be valuable after I die and give them to my children, who might even pass them down to THEIR children. They are never meant to be withdrawn and spent.

I don't know of any other investments that I feel comfortable about in the medium term. Medium term investments are dangerous. They often involve thousands and thousands of dollars - my ex-boyfriend mentioned his 401K from work, and how it's gone down over the past few years. That is exactly the type of investment I do NOT want to have. That is pretty much the dictionary definition of the type of investment that I want to avoid more than anything. Those are the investments that people are given by default without understanding them; you get hired for a job, and they offer you these 'benefits' with your job, and one of the 'benefits' is your retirement plan, and you don't understand what it is or how it works, and you automatically deposit money into it with each paycheck, and then suddenly you discover that the market is crashing and you are losing thousands of dollars on something that was expected to be stable and reliable forever and ever and would just keep magically going up and up and up without end, forever.

I don't trust any investments where the purpose of the investment is to gain money when the 'value' of something 'goes up.' Even I, with my silver coins, am not viewing them as being something whose value 'goes up.' I can look online at the price of silver right now and see that it's 'gone up,' but I am not selling the coins. Even if the price of silver 'goes back down' again, I am not going to get all sad and angry and upset because I 'missed the opportunity' to sell the silver coins while the price was high. I am going to sit there with the little box of coins and wait for the even more distant future, because that is what they are for.

So at this time I do not have any advice about medium-term investments that are meant to earn a 'return' on the investment. I would, but my entire life has been destroyed, and I can't do the things I would have otherwise been doing.

This is one of those 'sick and miserable' blogs that I was talking about. I still haven't eaten anything and I barely slept at all.

On another topic, I was forced against my will, some time ago, to write blogs about some sexual topics which are now in the tag cloud, as 'they' wanted me to 'talk openly' about things that other people won't talk about. They view me as the queen of taboo subjects, and they often give me an 'assignment' to talk about particular taboo subjects that no one else will discuss, and it's usually something sexual or something involving bodily functions or grooming or whatever. That all started because they saw that I don't shave, which was the result of being friends with Rachael, who questioned it with me, and because of that, they view me as someone willing to talk about all sorts of forbidden things. So if my blog is unpleasant to read, or if it's 'not safe for work,' partly because of those topics, then I can put away the tags cloud, which jumps out at me every time I scroll down the page. I only put that there recently. 'They' want me to deliberately offend and disgust people, a lot of times, because supposedly that accomplishes something useful for them.