distrust

11:43 PM 6/11/10

I don't always know that I've hurt someone accidentally, but then I hear voices telling me about it afterwards. I had an incident like that with him. A few incidents. Usually it happened if I accidentally laughed at something. I laugh if something surprises me, or if I don't understand something.

One time I accidentally laughed at him because he said that one of the scales at the cash register seemed to be off in a way that favored us. It seemed like it was weighing things too light, and as a result, you wouldn't get charged very much for them. But when he described it, I thought I knew what happened, because I had done it before. Whoever weighed it had typed in the wrong thing when they made a label, and it came out charging them, like, $0.05 for something that ought to have been a lot more than that. I had made exactly the same mistake by pushing the wrong buttons. So I laughed when he said that to me, and then I went and tested it, and decided the scale was working all right but someone had messed up when they made the label. I got voices later on telling me that he thought I was laughing at him, personally, when I wasn't. I was laughing at the idea of it, and laughing because I had done the same mistake before when trying to weigh something and make a label for it.

Another time I laughed when we were all outside taking out the trash. There were a bunch of us, and one guy was saying that somebody had put a box in the cardboard baler with lettuce still in it, and I thought this was hilarious and I said something like, 'Oh my gosh, I can't believe somebody would do that, blah blah,' and then it turned out that it might have actually been my friend who did it (and for whatever reason, I can't even call him my friend today, I don't know why - there is too much anxiety and distrust, and I haven't gotten to see him in the real world for too long, and I'm having trouble with emails). So he walked away and he looked humiliated, and I realized he might have been the one who did it, but it was too late, and I had been laughing at him.

There was another time when were out at the trash again, and there was something on the floor next to the baler, something like spilled detergent. He tried to slide on it, but it wasn't very slippery, and he almost fell instead. I thought this was hilarious and I was laughing at him. And I was laughing also because he would have crashed into me if he had been able to slide the way he was trying to, because I was standing right next to him. And the way I felt about that was that it was overwhelming, or too exciting, or playful, and I actually would have loved that if it happened, but it didn't. He also did something similar on a patch of ice outside, but it didn't work that time either. That was just before he switched to day shift and quit working in the evenings.

I was getting voices talking to me about how I wrote the 'slightly manic' blog and I said, stay the hell away from my boyfriend, hahahahah, just kidding. What I mean is, I don't go confronting people like that, and he's not my boyfriend, he's just someone that I am attracted to and yes, I have said that I love him, because of the way that I feel when I talk to him, and every time I see him, and every time I am with him long enough to get to know him better.

I wish that I could sleep right now, but for some reason, I can't, and I don't think it's because of the coffee I drank this evening - that was so many hours ago, it should have worn off by now. I have to get up in the morning to go to McDonald's, and I really need to sleep, really badly.

Yesterday, I sent him an email on MySpace asking him which email he preferred, because I had tried asking him a question on Facebook and didn't ever get an answer to it. I asked him about the jail thing, and there was no answer. So I decided to ask him if there was an email address that he used most often that was easier for him to check. I got a reply from him, or from someone pretending to be him, saying that he wanted to stay single for a long time, like a year at least, and that I was giving him the creeps, and he reminded me that I am 35 years old. That is why I said it hurts me when you say these things. So I wrote a reply saying that you can tell me these things in person, and if you can't say it out loud, you can write it on paper, but it must be told to me in person because I have people hacking my emails and doing terrible things to hurt me, and telling lies to me, so I never believe things that are said in email if it's something important like this. I told him that he could tell me what to do, and be specific, like tell me to stop sending emails, text messages, etc. (although I'm not sending them anymore, partly because they were almost never answered, and partly because my Tracfone expired and I haven't renewed it yet, and partly because I get charged for them, and so does he, he said, so I'll use email since it's free), and I would try to stop doing whatever he said to stop doing.

They were asking me why I believe the things that he says to me. My answer is that I have sworn to believe things that he says to me as though they are true, to take him seriously, to assume innocence, and that this simplifies communication, but at the same time, if it's something important or something hurtful, it has to be said in person because of the hackers.

(*note: this is NOT symbolic to ME, but 'they' take everything symbolically. so it's going to sound like it has some other meaning, but it's literal to me.*) Then, the voices were talking about eating bone marrow, and being horrified by this. They said that ALL of Weston Price had to be B.S. because it was discredited as soon as they talked about eating bone marrow. They said that he had to be insane and a crazy psychopath who deliberately and maliciously gave out disinformation to hurt people. And in a way, this fits, because I read an anecdote from his grand-nephew, a letter written that said that he, Weston Price, used to throw scraps of food to the dog, and every once in a while, he would throw the dog a slice of pickle, and the dog would be surprised by it, and the grand-nephew said that this fits with WP's belief that 'to get to the good stuff you had to endure the sour taste along with it' (I looked it up just now to see exactly what it said). This is in the book, in the beginning.

I don't know how to explain it, but I am still assuming that MOST of the general ideas in that book, and on the website, are correct, but some of them are mistaken. It isn't 100% wrong, and it isn't 100% right.

Then I was getting attacked by voices telling me that I had 'failed' the text message 'test.' I had mistakenly believed it when somebody sent me a text message, claiming to be from my friend, saying that he wanted me to stop giving him any notes, but then, when I saw him in person, he looked worried and he asked me if I had a note for him, and I didn't, because I had believed the text message.

I can't help being hurt whenever I read these things, no matter who it is that's saying them. It is always going to seem like he is rejecting me, no matter what happens, even if he seems nice to me in person. Again, I told him in the email that if he wants me to stop doing something, he must tell it to me in person, and he can write it on paper if he has to. (The voices were harassing me and making a joke, and saying, 'Because some people just don't GET THE MESSAGE.')

I am covered in a rash and I think I've gotten poison ivy on my bed. That should be easy to fix, because I just need to get a new vinyl cover for it. This is very irritating though. It got on me when I took a walk the other day during that thunderstorm, but there was only a little bit on my shoes, I think. It must have spread around.

I'm not sure what else they want me to tell.

(It almost seems like I have vitamin C poisoning again. Last time that happened, it was when I was drinking a whole bunch of juice boxes of lemonade. They have 100% RDA vitamin C in each box. I got covered in a rash, and I also had extremely severe insomnia. But I haven't had anything like that today, no juice or anything. But I had several Starbucks frappucinos, because I'm trying to avoid drinking the coffee made with tap water - I was thinking I might be having a problem with tap water, long story. Bottled coffee has ascorbic acid as a preservative, I think - I'd have to look at the bottles again to make sure. Maybe I got a bad batch of coffee and they accidentally added too much ascorbic acid. Maybe it's not ascorbic acid, I forget. But I don't know how on earth I am going to get up in the morning.)

Anyway, when I talk about distrust, and about how I might have hurt him the times when I laughed at him - that was the main thing I had to write about. And I also worry, what if the person ringing the doorbell was someone I would have wanted to see? The census people always leave a message on the door, but this time, there wasn't a message from the census people. Whoever it was they rang the doorbell a LOT.

I've been thinking about the idea of 'delusional' lately because I read something somewhere, and I forget where I read it. It described different types of stalkers. It said there was one kind called the 'delusional stalker,' where the stalker believes that the target is in love with them, or could easily be made to fall in love with them. With me, however, I am being forced by electronic mind control to believe things, which I myself don't believe. The real me believes that I could never have even tried to get this guy to go out with me - I would not have done anything at all, for instance, I would never have gotten his phone number and tried texting him. I would have been attracted to him, but I wouldn't have actually TRIED anything. So I thought that I was in the category of 'delusional stalker,' maybe from everyone else's point of view, but not from my own point of view. Maybe the people CONTROLLING me fit into that category, though.

So, everyone else thinks that I'm delusional because I believe in the existence of electronic mind control. But that is something different from believing that someone can be made to fall in love with you.

Okay, I guess I will just post this, I feel restless and uncomfortable. I hope I can get some sleep, any sleep at all tonight.