11:53 AM 10/8/10
I wrote back to Carrie last night. I told her some of the truth, not all of it.
1. I didn't tell her that I had created a fakebook account, just like I said I would end up doing, so that I could continue to peek at their pages. I can't see their photos, because they're set on private. But I can see the status updates.
2. I told her that I wasn't working at Weis anymore and that I was ashamed about that. (I am still in denial - I keep thinking maybe I can go talk to them and negotiate something.) But I didn't say the biggest part of it, which was, I hated the job, and in the past, it wasn't so bad, but it got worse and worse over time, and I only went in because I looked forward to seeing Curtis. He was the *only* reason I could put up with going to work every day, as things got worse and worse there. So, when he left, I had no reason to go to work. I didn't tell her that. (Someone I know who works there was talking to me last night, and he said that the chaos in the store has gotten *even worse* since I left. So I have even less motivation to go back.)
3. I told her that I was scared of getting hurt if I went to visit Curtis at his new job. But I didn't tell her that it was very likely I would try touching, hugging, etc, and that was how he might reject and hurt me. I just made it sound like a general, vague, overall rejection of some kind. I didn't say what it was that I would probably try to do if I saw him.
****
They took a bunch of photos just before I shut down my facebook page, while I could still see them. There was a halloween costume that he tried on - I don't know if he actually bought it - and I can only describe it as 'totally adorable.' I don't really know what the costume *was*. It sort of looked like a bartender, and in one picture, it looked like he was trying to do the thing of leaning back and spraying liquor out of his mouth. There were spider-shaped buttons, or maybe they were bats - I forget - spiders and bats and that kind of thing - down the front of the shirt. Whatever the costume was, it fit him well and it was extremely cute.
I've been thinking of a costume. I have a sewing machine now. I could really make my own costume for once. I have wanted to do that for years. I don't officially celebrate holidays, but I tolerate Halloween. I don't tolerate Christmas though. I think I would enjoy dressing up. I would like to dress up as a soft, furry animal, since I am a fur lover. I don't know what kind of animal. I don't like 'joke' costumes as much - that's not my style. It would be something cute and beautiful and comfortable.
When I was a kid, we had some halloween costumes that we kept afterwards, and every once in a while I would put them on and play in them. I would wear them around the house just like Max in Where The Wild Things Are, in his wolf pajamas. We had a dog, a panda, and a leopard. Then later on there was some kind of thing, I forget what it was - a kangaroo? A giraffe - I think it was the giraffe, yes. They made it for a play that my brother was in. All of those costumes were homemade, and they were comfortable enough that you could wear them around the house as clothing. Even the masks were made of soft comfortable material. I don't want something with a big heavy head mask made out of hard material, for instance. It would be all fabric with some stuffing here and there if necessary.
*******
I'm sick today. That's the reason why I'm not out stalking. I have been busy stalking almost every day this week. I am a little more relaxed now because I know which store he's at, and I know that he is really at that store, and I vaguely know about his schedule - not specifically, just vaguely, and also, I'm more relaxed because Carrie has emailed me and so we are still in contact.
How I *feel* about the stalking: I have a few different perspectives on it. One perspective is the 'sort of a joke' feeling that I have while I write about stalking. I use the word 'stalking' here in my blog and it is, slightly, a joke. In reality, I warned him that I would be trying to go visit him, and I actually begged him to tell me not to. I warned him many times in many different ways that if he left, I would become a basket case and I would do crazy things to try to get his attention and I would be trying to email him and thinking the emails weren't going through, and all that. I warned him in paper notes, I mentioned it briefly in conversations out loud, I sent him dozens and dozens of text messages although he only got some of those because some of them went to his old phone numbers, as he's had three different phone numbers since I've known him.
So he's known about this for a long time and he has refused to set boundaries the way I've asked. I asked him to tell me in details about what I can and can't do, but he never discussed it with me. It's obvious that he just *doesn't care* if I go visit him at his job or not. He might want me to, he might be happy about it, or he might just not give a shit one way or the other. Whatever it is, he can't be bothered to write an email telling me to stay away from him. (I'm having a reaction to a drug residue. There's been a problem at my computer where I sit. It's either on the chair or on some part of the computer, like the keyboard. It makes my heart pound too fast. When that happens, I get into an angry, agitated mood that won't go away. That is why I hate the drug residues. It might even be something on the cardboard that I put on the floor.) Anyway, that's why it's kind of a joke to call it stalking. He either doesn't care, or else he's happy about it. He can't even take the trouble to tell me strongly to stay away from him. And his girlfriend/fiancee is still writing emails to me as though I'm not an enemy.
Also, in another perspective, I feel a sense of honor or duty in doing this. This is the part that my friends and family would describe as 'delusional.' I feel that there is something important about staying connected with him, because the voices are telling me to. Like it's something to be proud of, choosing to hold on and maintain a relationship even though it is difficult to do, instead of just giving up and letting go. I see myself in the role of a protector.
And I know: How can I sometimes say the voices are my enemy, they are human beings pushing buttons on a machine, it's electronic harassment, and all that, and other times I say that I agree with something they are 'guiding' me to do - like many people who interpret them as being 'spiritual guides?' It's true, that is a contradiction. I don't believe that they are 'spiritual guides,' and I think it's a lie to call themselves that, when I believe they are human beings pushing buttons on a machine. However, do I sometimes agree with something they try to make me do? Yes, I do sometimes agree with them.
Several things have changed my reaction to the voices.
1. I removed my metallic dental filling. The metal dental filling made me sick at my stomach constantly. That constant sickness manifested as hate, anger, bitterness, all the time. It made me hate the voices and feel rebellious simply because I was sick and I hated everything. The new plastic fillings are very bad, too, and they have side effects, but they don't make me sick and bitter all the time.
2. I'm not using drugs, except small amounts of drug residues. When I'm on antidepressants, I hate the voices and I rebel against everything the attackers do.
Without antidepressants, and without silver-mercury amalgam dental fillings, I am much more tolerant towards the voices.
(I was thinking about eminem last night. They told me he's using prescription drugs, and that's why his songs are full of violence. Prescription antidepressants cause murder and suicide, and they also cause fights when you are in a relationship. They said that he is at great risk because of his drugs, and that he might be dead within a year, and that he absolutely must stop using the prescription drugs and he has to go to a hospital to do the withdrawal, because the withdrawal is just as dangerous as the drugs.)
I don't know how many different people are using the mind control systems. Some of them might be trying to fight against the 'root of all evil,' the government. I don't know who they are. Others might be within the government itself. Others might be trying to make money by owning slaves and entertaining themselves at the slaves' expense. Others might be individual criminals doing something for their own reasons.
****
Someone with Curtis's screen name asked a question to Mythbusters about how Indiana Jones climbs into a lead-lined refrigerator to escape from the nuclear explosion in the latest movie, the one about the aliens with the weird shaped heads. I saw that movie too, and I thought the same thing about how the refrigerator could not possibly protect you against a nuclear explosion. However, if you were actually stuck someplace where a bomb was about to go off, even if it was a nuclear bomb, it might make you feel better if you climbed inside a refrigerator, so you might as well do it anyway. That's if there wasn't enough time to run far away from the blast or get in your car and drive away.
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