I am your worthless chunk of granite

A few days ago, I was going into McD to work, and I saw a guy driving through who had hair and a beard like Dumbledore. My reaction was intense curiosity and I had to look at him. The voices called my attention to him. He was old and white-haired. It was a strong positive reaction. True, his hair was not very long. It was below chin length, but not much longer than that. Maybe shoulder length.

I am going through the dating websites, and I can't *stand* the short hair and beardless faces I see. The only ones who are even slightly attractive to me are the young guys in their late teens and early twenties. For them, I can tolerate short hair and beardless faces.

There is something I know about a man right away if he has long hair. They are almost always an SP artisan. Peter, the guy I'm seeing now, is an exception. The voices told me he's an SJ, and he has long hair for a variety of reasons. And he doesn't really have long hair, either. And he's even more stubborn about changing his rigid 'rules' about how he does his hair. SJ Guardians are able to get a really, really bad hairstyle, and stick to it, because it has some religious meaning to them - for instance, shaving off all of the hair except for a tiny ponytail in the back, and that kind of thing - that's a religious hairstyle, and it isn't sexually attractive or beautiful, not to me.

Anyway, I know they're an SP artisan, and they're a drug user. They like to 'have fun' for the sake of having fun. They are 'laid back' and they want to 'hang out' and do drugs and drink and do nothing at all. I have a very negative impression of guys with long hair. And yet, long hair is the most attractive thing, the best thing that can improve the way a guy looks.

I don't really want to have lots of 'fucking friends.' I think I could easily find those if that was what I was looking for. I might even find young ones, if fucking friends were all I was looking for. I could find people who I found sexually attractive, who were also young, late teens and early twenties, and they would probably be SP artisans who don't mind just being fucking friends. Curtis is in that category. I felt right away that he was another SP artisan like me. But my feelings for him were very intense. Still, he is in the 'fucking friends' category. It's not the same category as 'soulmate' or 'husband' or 'my other half.' Those are the people who have a different personality type that's complementary to yours. 'Fucking friends' are similar to you in a lot of ways.

I was reading about complementary types, versus similar types. (Myers-Briggs.) When two similar people are together, they compete to do the same things. So they're sometimes competing for one of them to be better than the other at something. Sometimes, that works out well, if it's clear that one person is the teacher and the other person is the learner. But we don't always want to be stuck in superior/inferior roles like that. In love, we want to be with our equals.

Curtis was much younger than me, so in some ways, he would always have a slightly 'inferior' position, in terms of knowledge and experience. In my experience, the older person usually loves the younger person much more intensely than the young person loves them. The young people aren't very devoted to the old people. But the old people love the young in a helpless, hopeless, total devotion way, the kind of devotion where you would do anything, and give anything, for that person. Curtis isn't an 'equal' kind of friend. He is more like a son or younger brother. A person who is much younger than I am, like an adopted son. My feeling for him isn't the same as my feeling for a friend my own age.

I hate our society. I hate our short-haired, shaved men. If men had long hair and beards, I would be able to find adult men much more attractive than I find them. I wouldn't be trapped liking teenage boys forever. I could enjoy an adult man much more if he had hair. I would still be attracted to teenagers, but I wouldn't be totally, hopelessly repulsed by adult men anywhere near as much as I am.

I wish I could explain this to guys, but they can't see my point of view. Imagine being a *guy*, and you lived in a world where, unfortunately, all the women shaved their heads. Like Africa. That's actually true in Africa. All the women, and everyone, shaves their heads there. I think it's because they have deadly lice that carry diseases, or something, in Africa. But anyway, you have the rotten luck to be surrounded by shaved-headed women. How would *you* feel? You would feel frustrated. You would miss the beauty of the face surrounded by a fall of hair shining in the sunlight. You wouldn't have anything to run your fingers through. There's nothing to look at. There's no movement. Why should women feel any differently about *men's* hair?

I glanced through hundreds of pictures very quickly today, in different parts of the country, thinking about what Weston Price had in the book about certain states having better soil than other states, and therefore, fewer facial deformities, and better teeth, in those areas. I was thinking of that while I looked at different states. In all parts of the country, long-haired men are a tiny minority. And only a tiny minority have beards, and *all* the beards are short. *NO* men have full beards that are totally uncut and left to grow as long as they can. That is only the tiniest minority. If they do have beards, they often shave their heads, which looks horrible. I can't stand a shaved head with a big fluffy beard. It has to be everything: long head hair and long beard hair.

And I see only a few people who have either one of those things, and I usually sense something, or know something about that person right away: they're not the one I'm looking for. They are the wrong personality type. 'Rebellion' is the only thing that makes a man grow long hair. I don't want to be with a 'rebel.' Not unless he is a very specific kind of rebel: a leader.

There is such a thing as petty rebellion. With petty rebellion, you don't know if they have any principles, and you don't know if they'll change their mind tomorrow. Eric, my ex-boyfriend, was a petty rebel. He didn't like to be told what to do. He would grow his hair slightly long, because he didn't care about haircuts and wanted to rebel against all rules. But then, he would cut his hair every once in a while, because he wouldn't 'follow a rule' requiring him to grow his hair and not cut it. When I begged him not to cut his hair, he ignored me and disrespected my wishes, because he didn't want anybody telling him what to do, even if it was his girlfriend. In other words, he rebelled against all rules as such, and he did whatever he wanted on random impulse. That's not the kind of 'rebel' I'm looking for. I want a strongly principled rebel, if I'm with a rebel.

I am looking for a serious, principled man who also has long hair and beard, and it's his rule to follow, and he keeps it that way forever. That is the reason why I am making a religion and an intentional community that has those rules. They are the new convention. If you want to rebel against the religion, then you can cut your hair and join mainstream society.

And again, if they refuse to grow their hair and beards the way I want, then I will be stuck chasing after teenage boys, because teenage boys are the only ones who are sexy enough that I can tolerate anything and everything they do. They can get away with 'breaking the rules' because they're sexy enough. When they're older, however, the rules actually matter, because they're not sexy anymore. That's the time when they really *need* the long hair and beards. There has to be something there to touch and pet and stroke and look at. Otherwise, there is nothing touchable about them at all.

I can't stand big thick muscular chests. Big, thick, muscular men - it's like hugging a big piece of meat. When you hug a skinny person, you can feel the life energy in him, the heat, like a wild animal. With a big person, it's more like a giant walrus or something, big and heavy and flopping around slowly on the land, not something fast and quick and agile and graceful. But if the big heavy walrus has hair and a beard, I might be able to compromise. There is something that I can pet with my fingers. That's the only thing they have that would be attractive to me.

*I*... *hate*... *everybody*. I hate looking through hundreds of photos and being disgusted by all of them.

You really don't understand what it's like to be a hair-loving woman. You really don't know. You can't imagine. You, guy, whoever you are, if I have any male readers out there, for you it's easy. Women are so beautiful. There are so many beautiful women. You can pick any one of them at random, and she'll be good enough. And one of the reasons for this is because they all have semi-long hair, which makes them slightly more beautiful. You can at least tolerate a woman even if you don't really like the shape of her body, because her hair makes her face more beautiful and more touchable.

Yes, I'm mad at everyone today. I hate our society. I hate it.

I've been angry at the murderers too. They are dragging me from one 'advertisement' to another on PlentyOfFish. First I'm looking for a husband, next I'm a prostitute looking for clients, next I'm looking for fucking friends, next I'm looking for members of my religious community. Those are all drastically different goals! They are not all the same thing! I hate being forced to do everything *their* way instead of my way! I hate being forced to 'test' whatever goal and whatever ad they want to 'test' today! Let's see how people react to this! Let's change it and see how people react to that! Wow! Lots of people reacting to random stuff! Yippee!! I don't have to finish anything or follow through!

One of the voices was talking to me and saying that it's actually not as difficult as they're making it out to be. However, the drug residues are a major problem. I have to totally fix those first, or else I will have a huge conflict with my husband who doesn't believe they exist. That is the biggest problem.

.....

So last night, of course, I got online at McD and made my fakebook profile, which was inevitable. I did it. So I looked at C&C's pages again. Of course. What I'm looking for is the impact of my absence. Nothing changed now that I'm gone. There was no effect. That is what every lost person looks for. Does anyone care that I'm lost? No one cares. No one notices. The only thing that changed is that Curtis removed 'Girls' from his list of interests. I don't know when that happened. It could've happened anytime recently. I think it was still there a month or so ago when I glanced at it. Before that, a while back, he still had his bisexual interest in men listed there too, but that got removed some time ago.

Would I *expect* anything to happen on those pages because of my being lost? No, of course not. But my emotions drag me there to look anyway. Does anyone notice that I'm gone? Yes, I was just in the 'fucking friends' category. Does a fucking friend matter all that much? Does it matter at all? I wasn't even a fucking friend, really, just a potential fucking friend. I was just a co-worker, nothing more. I am your 'worthless rock.' I'm going to start calling myself 'worthless rock' and see what happens. I am your chunk of granite. I am your pyrite. I am your basalt. I am your gypsum. I am your limestone. What am I? I forget.